Thanks. I always thought I was strong, but wish that strength would stop being tested!
The fact that I've always been such an optimist and dealt so well with things has made it harder in a way. It's so difficult for me to not be dealing so well...and knowing people have been so worried about me for SO long. I also feel that, no matter how good your friends are, after a point they get tired of the drama too. So, I don't talk about things anymore. They want me to be fine and I want to be fine.
I know it's common after a life threatening experience like the surgery I had to be depressed. It's the shock and the pain and having to face your mortality. I am so grateful to still be alive and I truly mean that! I've talked to my Dr. about it. He offered antidepressants but I had taken them during the worst of the divorce and never noticed any positive effects. I can't see taking medicine that doesn't work. I still see my therapist on occasion and she really feels like I'm coping as well as anyone could. I had even joined Match last May, and have gone on some dates, but they've mostly left me feeling there are a lot of men out there more messed up that me!
I don't know. Maybe I just needed a safe place to whine a little? I have found a local divorce support group that starts meeting in a week. I think I'm going to join that.
Today I'm just trying to be busy, putting away the Christmas stuff and making some soup. Tomorrow is New Year's Eve. I wish I had someone to kiss. But hopefully next year will be better.