I ended a 25 year relationship (21 year marriage) in 2002. I remarried in 2003 and it was a stress filled disaster. He had depression and anxiety issues, and was eventually diagnosed with a personality disorder. A few years into the marriage he stopped touching me at all. I supported him through Dr. and therapist appointments, different bouts of medication. Eventually I knew he had involved himself with other women online and money was disappearing but he would beg me to stay with him. Finally he told me HE wanted a divorce. He refused to move out, then refused to cooperate with the divorce he filed for. My stress was incredible. I lost 50 pounds in 4 months. Finally faced with a court order to force him out, he agreed to a meeting with our lawyers where he basically came across the table at me, screaming. The next day he signed papers and moved out, much to my relief. The divorce was final November, 2011.
I went to therapy, which helped me tremendously. However, there was the stress of being broke from what he took, the bills he ran up, paying for the divorce and then trying to live on 1/4 of the income I was used to. I was rear ended and tore up my neck and shoulder but that could have been so much worse. I lost 2 pets, one of which died suddenly and the 2nd had to be put down because of cancer. My house, which finally was under contract, suffered 30K damage in a crazy hail storm, so the sale couldn't proceed until all that was done. I finally moved at the end of July of this year. In September I suffered a life threatening perforated duodenal ulcer and had emergency surgery. I spent 5 days in the hospital and 6 weeks off of work.
I have great parents, 3 adult children and wonderful friends. But they have no idea or can't understand why I'm not "back to normal" now. Even though I KNOW it's not true, I can't help but feel that life needs to stop kicking me! I know that so many people suffer through so much. I am grateful to be alive but I can't shake my unhappiness. I'm lonely and the holidays aren't helping.
I don't know how to move forward. Any advice would be appreciated.
The following user gives a hug of support to maylilac: ctrue (12-30-2012)
Thanks. I always thought I was strong, but wish that strength would stop being tested!
The fact that I've always been such an optimist and dealt so well with things has made it harder in a way. It's so difficult for me to not be dealing so well...and knowing people have been so worried about me for SO long. I also feel that, no matter how good your friends are, after a point they get tired of the drama too. So, I don't talk about things anymore. They want me to be fine and I want to be fine.
I know it's common after a life threatening experience like the surgery I had to be depressed. It's the shock and the pain and having to face your mortality. I am so grateful to still be alive and I truly mean that! I've talked to my Dr. about it. He offered antidepressants but I had taken them during the worst of the divorce and never noticed any positive effects. I can't see taking medicine that doesn't work. I still see my therapist on occasion and she really feels like I'm coping as well as anyone could. I had even joined Match last May, and have gone on some dates, but they've mostly left me feeling there are a lot of men out there more messed up that me! I don't know. Maybe I just needed a safe place to whine a little? I have found a local divorce support group that starts meeting in a week. I think I'm going to join that.
Today I'm just trying to be busy, putting away the Christmas stuff and making some soup. Tomorrow is New Year's Eve. I wish I had someone to kiss. But hopefully next year will be better.
Huge hugs of support to you! You have been through alot!
I think we all have had points where we feel like everything keeps going wrong. Its like one thing starts a chain reaction. I am a huge optimist and I have felt that way at times. I just try to tell myself it has to get better.
It is hard sometimes to focus on the the things in our lives we are blessed with. I try to do that when I feel down. I have my daughter who is 6 and she always gives me reason to smile. Try to find the people/ things in your life that do that for you.
People arent always going to understand why we feel the way we do. A therapist is a great person to talk to and to give you advice on ways to make yourself feel better. There is also medications that can help, if you need them. Dont let anyone make you validate how you feel. If they love you, they may not agree but how you feel is how you feel. Talk it out with them if you need to. Make them understand all you have been through and going through all you have, you will not be the same person you once were. Tell them how you feel and you would appreciate more undeerstanding. One day you will be better and stronger! With that said, you have kids and people in your life that love you, even if they dont understand your feelings. Thats a blessing and more than some people have.
Continue to come here and let us know how you are doing and I hope things get better soon.
Thank you for the replies. I am doing better. The holidays were bad and I was miserable. But, I know I have to cut myself a break. I've had a terrible amount of stress the past few years. If I needed to meltdown then that's what I needed to do.
Writing it down here did also help and I'm keeping a journal now. If nothing else I certainly know that I'm a survivor.