Hi, came across this forum and I thought maybe sharing with you could provide me with some much needed point of views and some answers.
I'll try to keep the story short. We've been married 4 years going on 5 this coming May..I'm Active Duty in the Air Force, and she hasn't worked at all the whole time we've been married. First 3 years were great..we had ups and downs like normal couples and got through them. Then, at the beginning of the 4th year as we were getting ready to go to my new duty station, she was diagnosed as Bipolar. She wasn't able to go, and being a week from leaving, we probably made the worst mistake ever. I went ahead unnaccompanied, and she went back home to to stay with her mom. At some point, she and her female friend decided to rent their own place and share the cost supposedly. My wife is bisexual, and her friend is full blown Lesbian...and her friend also is unable to drive/read/work for some reason unknown to me. The air force pays me for her housing.
I only make a set amount a month...and I have a car loan, 2 car insurance payments, my own cc payment and her rent plus utilities (the house they got I just found out is a 1 room house). Her friend contributes nothing. So the money the Air Force pays me for her house, she spends it on the rent, utilities, her and her friends food, vet and food costs for a pregnant pitbull and 11 pups...and her gas for her vehicle. She is very anti-social, refuses to stay with me at my grandmother's house because she "doesn't like the town because she's not used to it", she always has the "i dont want to be here look", she's told my mother that I came home on leave at "a very bad time because she's got a lot of things to do". Last year she was very healthy looking, but in one year she's lost at least, if not more, half her weight. She's skin and bones, and breaks down emotionally. But she constantly calls me and leaves "nastygrams" on my answering machine and voicemail while I'm at work asking for "more money". The area she's living in, she goes through more money than most of my family and friends that work
I'm at my wits end here...she refuses to do as I ask. I suggested she and only she live with my grandmother and we pay her rent. She'd have a roof over her head and food to eat...she'd be in town, and she'd have tv and internet. But she refuses and wants to live iwith her friend. Their house like i said is a living room, kitchen, bathroom, and 1 bedroom. I went in there once and ....it looked like a crack addict place you see in movies. trash everywhere, my wife sleeps on a futon couch, and her friend has a mattress on the floor in the living room where she sleeps.
I make too much money to file for a simple dissolution of marriage...I'd have to pay for a lawyer I think...but I'm not sure if I really should follow through with it or something. I go back ovrseas in 3 weeks..so I'd be unable to be at a court hearing. I've only been in for 4 years..and am soon going to be medically separated. She's civilian.
Hi there : First of all let me say that I'm real sorry you are having such a difficult time with your wife and her partner. I don't have all the answers but as a veteran as well as my spouse being a captain in the army I may at least be able to point you in the right direction. First off do you still care about your wife? If you do then you may consider continuing helping her financially and provide psychological and medical help. If you get a service connected disability depending on your percentage your benefits will cover her as well as long as you are still married. If not then you shold be able to get a divorce with minimal cost to you while still on active duty. I wish you luck and hope everything turns out well for you. Innerspirit
I can't really tell you if you should divorce her or not, but you do have some options.
If you want a divorce. Jagg should be able to point you in the right direction. They usually go on the laws where you are you are stationed (in the states). I am not sure how it would be handled if you are overseas. You will have to pay for things, but you don't specifically have to have a lawyer. You can do the paperwork and filings yourself. If she will sign a waiver, then she doesn't even have to show up in court. If not, you can just have her served. Of course, I believe you will have to wait until you are back in the states to do any of this filing. You can talk to Jagg, though and see what advice they have for you on this matter. Additionally, many lawyers will give you a first meeting at no cost to try to get your business and tell you the options you have. So, that is also an option. Whether or not you have to pay any spousal support will depend on the state you do the filing. Your chaplain is also a good resource to get direction.
Actually, it really sounds like to me that something severe is going on with your wife. Are drugs involved at all? Does she take medicine or go to counseling? Not doing that is not a good thing at all for people diagnosed bi-polar. A person can learn to handle things without medication depending on the severity, but counseling is a must. You can try to talk to family services to get her help.
Wow, you are in a tough spot and I feel for you. I used to be a Navy wife...for 20 yrs..before I divorced my ex. I understand and have often heard of situations like yours as I was an Ombudsman of our squadron on more than one tour of duty. My ex was enlisted for 7yrs before becoming an officer. When I was going through Ombuds. training, I can't tell you how many times I heard situations like yours.
There seem to be many things going on that are huge red flags as far as what your wife is doing. None of it is good. I think you probably know that. The fact that she isn't living with you in the first place is a bad situation. I agree with a prev. poster that it sounds like she may be living a life that is detrimental to herself and to you...the Bipolar diagnosis is something that isn't easy to deal with for you or her. Her anti-social personality, the way you describe the appearance of her home, etc. Not good. Change in personality? Screams to me that she is living a completely seperate lifestyle from yours, possibly including drugs. Who knows. But it also sounds like you went into marriage knowing she was bisexual, she decides to not go with you to your next duty station, etc. In my experience, a spouse that doesn't want to move on with you to your next duty station always causes problems. She has the best of both worlds...she gets to live a seperate life from you but you still pay for that.
So the question you have to ask yourself is..do you still want to be married to her? If so, why? Are you in love with her? If yes, then you need to figure out what you can do to work on your marriage....it ain't gonna get worked on with her living a different life from you, right?
If the answer is no...got to Jagg just to talk with them about what is going on and how you proceed. They will help you work through the legalities from the Airforce's standpoint. When I got divorced, I had been married for 20 yrs and all of them active duty years. I was entitled to half his retirement pay, but I didn't ask for it. At the time, I just wanted to hell out. Dumb move. You won't have that to worry about because you have only been in the AF a little while and married only 4 yrs. Get the legal advice from Jagg. You can also go to a lawyer after that and get a free consult. Remember, they want your business so they will offer a free first consult appt. DON'T give anyone a retainer fee unless you are SURE that you'll use their services. My divorce was easy...I went to a lawyer and told him I wanted it to be fast and as easy as possible. I just wanted out. So I basically wrote out my requirements for allimony, division of property etc...he turned it into legalese and applied for separation. Ex had to sign papers, then it went to court, had a waiting period of 3 mos, and on the date I was to appear in court, the judge said I wasn't protecting myself enough and said I could get half his retirement pay...I said no, just get this done. So she signed off on the papers and I was divorced. Total cost at that time was $600..best money I ever spent.
Just be careful, whatever you do, and get advice from people who are there for you to use in the AF. Don't go anywhere till you go to them.
Good luck and I hope it all turns out the way you want it to.
__________________ LAURA 2/6/13: Cuneiform neck lengthening, Calcaneus Osteotomy, Brostrum procedure, Peroneal tendon repair, accessory Navicular bone excision, Gastrocnemius Recession
You need to go to JAG. Also you can file from overseas, even if you were deployed, but if your being med boarded you shouldn't be deployable so I assume you mean Japan or something. She's only due half of your living allowance so I wouldn't give her a cent more. Is she taking her meds? Have you thought about having her committed to get help? Lots of questions unanswered, but I'd like to help.