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Old 03-09-2013, 06:22 PM   #1
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what do i do?

I will be married 4 years in April. We have been together for seven years. I left my husband and I am staying with my parents over a week now. I have been wanting to leave for some time now but have always managed to talk myself into staying because I couldn't bare to hurt my husbands feelings. I have talked to him on many occasions about how I feel and how he makes me feel. He isn't abusive he doesn't drink he doesn't do drugs, he is actually probably the sweetest guy I have ever met. He is just lazy and boring. I have asked him tons f times to please date me and make me feel special. Give me some romance and passion in the bedroom. Cook for me surprise me take me somewhere. These are all things I do for him all the time day in day out I only ask for a little in return to just let me know he loves me and that I matter. He has no motivation and has no interest in anything. I have talked to him about this and I have even written him long letters explaining how I feel and how he makes me feel. He just tells me that he doesn't plan anything because he isn't good at it. I cannot even explain how easy it is to please me. I don't like jewelry I don't like flowers I don't get my nails done nothing like that. In love to cook and bake. The kitchen is where I am most happy. So it's not like I am asking for him to fly me to Paris. I just need a little excitement. excitement just can't take this dull life. I know that sound like a horrible reason to get a divorce but I can't keep having the same conversation over and over again with no results. Yeah I could try counseling but I don't want to sit in front of someone and say again everything I have been saying over the years. Now that in left he has all kinds of ideas about talking trips and going out. Its just now I don't want it. It makes me angry that I had to leave for him to wake up. I wanted him to do these things to make me stay not get me back. It doesn't feel as good doing it this way. I am torn because I don't want to hurt him because he is a great guy. But I just don't have the romantic feelings for him and I am questioning myself if I ever did. I am very confused. Any advice is welcome.

 
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Old 03-24-2013, 04:58 AM   #2
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katenicsmom HB User
Re: what do i do?

Maybe when you left, it was the wake up call that he needed....I believe if there is love, there is a reason to try. Hope it all works out for you.

 
Old 03-24-2013, 08:42 AM   #3
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Re: what do i do?

You know how guys say that marriage means no bedroom play? Well, I've noticed that women parrot the same thing, but with romance. Men woo and romance us, and then don't do it anymore after marriage! I have a similar issue, but not as big as yours, with my husband. I buy myself flowers because he doesn't get them for me. I get my own chocolates, my own perfume, my own whatevers. At first, I was really frustrated with it all because my friends have men that do do that stuff. I was green with jealousy!

Then, a friend left her husband and claimed that no romance was the reason (it wasn't). I couldn't understand it, he had given her everything she wanted; she went shopping every day, had a beautiful home, had things she needed and wanted, etc. So what if he didn't come home with flowers!!! Realizing I was getting even more jealous, and even a bit resentful of her leaving him because she had I what I wanted from my own marriage, I took a step back and really looked at my life and marriage. My husband was romantic, even if flowers and perfume weren't in the equation. He took care of the kids when I wanted a moment, he cooks dinner every night so I don't have to worry about it (he's an amazing cook and loves to be in the kitchen), he grows a garden every summer so that I (we) have fresh veggies for our table, etc.

So, my advice to you: don't throw in the towel just yet. Look around yourself at the things your husband does do and see if you can't find romance in them. Sit down with him, once more, because you owe it to yourself, and ask him what he thinks he should do for you (don't take I don't know/what do you want as an answer). Then, start 'dating' again. Go out to dinner (even if it's McD's), talk and laugh, etc. See if you can't find the spark again. Then, once you do (I really think you will), establish a weekly and monthly ritual for you two only. Talk and open a bottle of wine, go see a movie, watch tv, play a board game....anything to get the two of you laughing and talking!

Good luck, darlin. I think all will work out well for you. (p.s. it isn't a stupid reason for you to leave; your happiness and his happiness are imperative to a successful marriage.)

 
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