Personal Question (no offense) - Eating Disorder Recovery Message Board

dfwgoodguy · 02-04-2004, 10:09 PM

What are you thinking that makes you wanna b/p? How in your view does the b/p'ing make you feel?

Sorry if these are straight up questions. I have this girl ive been dating and I know she has bullimia, although she does not know I know. I just wanna understand a little bit more, because I understand she can't help it. But I want to be a person she can talk to if/when shes having a "bad day", or she wants someone to talk to about stuff she normally wouldn't. Thanks a lot.

Nikkita · 02-05-2004, 04:23 AM

I B/P most nights. often its chronic hunger which sets me off but essentially anyone struggling with an ED suggests there are deep emotional issues which are manifesting themselves through B/Ping, starving etc. its very complex and i understand how frustrated you must be feeling.my husband deserves a medal!

scribbles · 02-05-2004, 10:20 AM

Having been slaves to both anorexia (currently) and bulimia (1 year), I've had 9 years of conditioning into the diseased mindset.

Quote:

Originally Posted by dfwgoodguy

What are you thinking that makes you wanna b/p?

I am constantly consumed with food thoughts, body image, and weight issues and in my experience, bulimia was the most horrible of the two. After eating, I would feel so guilty (like I was not worthy to eat, how I SHOULDN'T have eaten, why was I such a loser to have GIVEN in... basically, ashamed and really berating myself for my lack of self control), feelings which compelled me to rid the food from my body. My biggest fear, during those times and to this day, is getting fat, which is enough to drive me to purge, even without binging (a purging anorectic).

While I also felt scared of the long-term consequences of bulimia -- enamel erosion, tooth decay, tooth loss, not to mention more serious physiological effects, like heart arrhythmias caused by electrolyte imbalances -- the NEED to purge was too overwhelming. It was like my mind had only one goal and I would do everything I had to in order to carry it out.

Quote:

Originally Posted by dfwgoodguy

How in your view does the b/p'ing make you feel?

After purging, I would feel so satisfied, but also worried that I may not have gotten all the food out. This thought didn't mess with my head so much, because after a good purging session, the bossy voices in my mind have died down. Some days are better than others, I guess.

I hope I've answered your questions. The bottom line is that everything about eating disorders suck and I wouldn't wish them upon my worst enemies. Good luck to you and your girlfriend.

dfwgoodguy · 02-05-2004, 05:34 PM

Hey scribbles,

Thanks a lot for your reply. It has helped me understand it and her a bit more. Im pretty sure I had/have an ED in a diff manner. I was overweight my whole life, but not obese. Didn't have many friends in my high schools years. Food was always there and made me feel better. It seemed whatever I ate I stayed the same weight. But after I would binge on whatever I could find or go buy, I would feel as you said in your reply "ashamed, etc." The thought of purging never crossed my mind. As ive aged a bit more I feel I have grown up a lot these last 2 yrs, ive lost almost all the weight and am in a healthy eating and workout habbit.

Although I do feel better about my self now, I still have those thoughts when I eat too much sometimes.

Sorry for rambling, :P thanks for helping me understand things a bit more.

scribbles · 02-05-2004, 10:36 PM

Hi... Thanks for sharing a bit about yourself as well. So little attention/awareness is given to males who battle with disordered eating and eating disorders, when the truth is that the disease knows absolutely no boundaries.

I work at keeping my eating habits a secret and therefore, have practically alienated everyone who was once close to me. I panic if I have to eat in front of others or go out socially, since most of the social activities in Western culture is organized around food and eating.

I, too, gave up purging, but I traded that in for compulsive exercising. I've always been on the lower end of normal weight for my height, but I just can't block these thoughts and stupid rules I come up with.

For myself, I know I would rather not be approached about my eating disorder because I've known nothing else for such a long time that I would feel stripped of the security, comfort, and control it seems to offers. And I know from past experience, certain people watch me like a hawk and grill me with questions ("What did you eat today?", "Did you eat yet?") and I end up having to lie and sneak around.

But on really rough days, I really wish someone would read my mind and offer me help... but then I'm afraid of actually getting that help and all the things that go along with having people know, if that makes any sense.

Well, what I know is that I can't be forced into recovery; I have to willingly make that first step in asking for help. And when that happens, it's always nice to have someone supportive and trustworthy around.

Take care.

(I guess I can be a rambler as well

... Talking/writing can be therapeutic!)