For Today... - Eating Disorder Recovery Message Board

Elizabethspark · 02-12-2004, 10:08 AM

Today is going good... so far... I am bulemic and a compulsive overeater. I live with my boyfriend of two years and he knows ALL about it.. Yeah. Lots of stress and fights in our relationship related to food. Lately I have been attending OA meetings and last night I approached someone for the first time to be my sponsor and I also talked in the meeting about my addiction. It was such a relief to say whatever was on my mind about my eating disorder and have people listen who knew what I was talking about! I have been binge/purging for the past two years atleast once a day.. I hate it. But I am caught up with my food cycle and I am struggling with breaking free from the control over my life it has. I start every day thinking, only today. Just get through today.. the evenings are the hardest times for me because that is when I am alone the most and the urge to be "bad" creeps up like an old friend... My bathroom becomes a foreboding place and the kitchen gleams, teasing me and taunting... I can hear it in my head now...'aren't you hungry? just come in here and eat because you know you are going to anyways... eat as much as you want because you can just get rid of it all in the magic toilet. the magic toilet makes all the bad stuff go away...'
Yeah.. so it's a daily struggle that so far today, I have yet to be approached by it.. and I know I will be. So I am working on my come back. My winning battle cry.. I own my life! I have no control over food! And I will ONLY eat when I am hungry! And purging is not an option today. Now I only need to belive in myself and that these things.. all these things ARE possible.. thanks for listening. it means the world.

notorious b · 02-12-2004, 12:58 PM

good luck!! taking it one day at a time is the only way to go... otherwise, the task seems too daunting.

you're right, YOU are in control of your life, NOT food. if only it were that easy to really, truly believe.

the one thing that i try to say to myself to stop from overeating and stop the cravings, is "is it worth it?" meaning, is it worth the emotional stress you will endure when you do overeat and purge?? for me, i also use the technique of asking myself "who do you worship?" since i believe in God, i SHOULD worship God, but with all the time i spend thinking about food and my weight, it's more like i worship food instead.

hope your day ends as well as it started!!

Elizabethspark · 02-12-2004, 01:55 PM

thanks for your reply! You are so right and I like the way you think. I'm going to use that in my strategy. So far so good.. with half the day gone...Hopefully I can come back tomorrow and say, I MADE it!!!! one whole day without giving in! Are you a recovering binge/purger as well?

notorious b · 02-12-2004, 03:06 PM

i'm actually not a b/p girl. i've gone through the motions a million times, but i rarely can actually make myself purge. it's sad because i want to so bad (how screwed up is that), so i go into the bathroom for a long time and convince myself i can do it, but i just can't. the only reason i do want to though, is because i definitely binge. and i feel SO guilty, that the only thing i think will make me feel better is to purge. since i can't, i normally just follow the binge day with a starve day.

sounds real healthy, eh??

i hope that tomorrow you have another post... and it's a POSITIVE one!

Elizabethspark · 02-13-2004, 07:46 AM

Last night wasn't as good as I was planning for.. I sort of forgot all the positive stuff I had been feeding myself all day... I feel sooooo guilty after I eat, I wish I could just be full and not feel like I need to be hungry again... I get rid of it so I can feel hungry again and start the whole thing over.... sick. I just want to feel normal... I want to not be afraid to feel normal. I think that is what is holding me back... thank you for your posts. I used to just binge without going to the bathroom afterwards.. I used to stand in front of the toilet.. wanting to get sick, but unable to make it come.... now all I have to do is bend over.... why is this such an obstacle for us? Why is food ruling my life?!... ARRRRGGGGGHHHH!!!! much love to you... I am soooooo frustrated.. I need a nap now...