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Old 04-03-2004, 05:07 PM   #1
Join Date: Oct 2001
Posts: 71
Legally_Brunette19 HB User
Exclamation Scared of falling back down...

Hi everyone, I have not been on these boards for a quite a while, not that I don't want to be supportive but sometimes there are things that can trigger my anorexic thoughts. I have been a recovered anorexic for over a year, and I've felt so much better about myself. I realized how bad I looked before, and now when people tell me that I look so much healthier I don't go crazy (although it still bothers me a bit), I don't think I will ever be able to eat like normal people, but I have been doing so well lately. The problem is that recently my over 4 year relationship with my boyfriend ended, and although I have come to accept it, and I know that it's what's best for me and I am the one that doesn't want to go back, I feel so guilty because during the worst of my anorexia he helped me soooo much. At this moment I've noticed that I've reduced my food intake and it has been totally unconciously, I mean the thought of loosing weight has not entered my mind, but in this last week I've dropped a little over 2 pounds, and the thing is that it's not that I don't eat because I don't want to get fat, I don't eat because everytime I'm about to the thought of eating makes me nauseous and everything tastes bad. Analizing all this I've come to believe that all my inner problems are expressing themselves in this way, and I'm scared, I'm scared of going back to the hell that I was living while I was in the worst throes of anorexia. I hadn't thought much about it, and no one has expressed their thoughts out loud, but today at lunch I pushed my plate away and was about to get up, and my cousin just looks at me and says to me come on you have to eat you can't start that again, and then I realized what I had been doing these past few weeks. And the thing is that I think I'm doing fine, I don't feel like I'm suffering all that much because of my breakup because I know it's what's best for me, so I was just wondering do you think I'm like acting my most inner unconcious feelings?? Am I making a big deal out of nothing??? Or do you think these are some warning signs??
Please help me out guys, and I hope everyone is doing much better and from personal experience let me tell you that you can beat this ed, it takes hard work and determination, and you do get scared about some issues, but I've been well and eating practically normal for over a year and I know everyone else here can do it too, don't be afraid or embarrased to ask for help, I would have never gotten thru it alone, and let your family and friends help you believe they want what's best for you, and only people outside the bubble can truely see the damage that we are doing to ourselves.
So be brave people and stand up tall and beat this ED!!!!
God Bless

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Old 04-04-2004, 12:04 PM   #2
Senior Veteran
Join Date: Dec 2003
Location: London, UK
Posts: 1,006
Aurora HB User
Re: Scared of falling back down...

Hi Legallybrunette,
I am sorry that things have turned a bit for you recently. It sounds as though you are feeling guilty and that is why you are feeling a bit weird about eating. I am anorexic and trying to start my journey to recovery. I would like to say that you are amazing for having got yourself so well again. Don't let this start you back on your old anorexic ways, it may seem as though it isn't drastic yet, only a few pounds here or there, but it is so very important that you get help now before it gets worse. You cannot take the risk of it all returning again. If you are not getting therapy at the moment, then I would recommend that you seek some external help like that, to talk through this. Also you may want to get checked by your medical doctor in case there is any other reason for your loss of appetite.
Good Luck and be strong.
Love H xoxo
Even if I knew that tomorrow the world would go to pieces, I would still plant my apple tree today.

Old 04-04-2004, 08:47 PM   #3
Join Date: Nov 2003
Location: Southern California
Posts: 395
Dance4jc HB User
Re: Scared of falling back down...

Hi and congratulations on your continued recovery. I have been recovered for a little over 4 years now. I do not know if you are still talking with a therapist, but if you are not I would suggest that you do. Breaking up with someone after 4 years is hard on anyone (even if it is what you say is best) but for those of us who often act out emotions in our lives through food it can be even harder. Please love yourself enough to get the help you need. It sounds like you may just need a little help while you are dealing with this loss in your life. Remember back to the begining of your ED and I bet it started little like this. Take it seriously and surround yourself with people who can support you emotionally through this hard time. Although a year may seem like a long time to have been recovered and worry about losing ground, it isn't. It took me over two to really see my ED as a thing of the past. You are precious and deserve laughter and love. We are here when you need us!
~You are precious in His sight

Old 04-04-2004, 09:17 PM   #4
Join Date: Oct 2001
Posts: 71
Legally_Brunette19 HB User
Re: Scared of falling back down...

Thanks Aurora and Dance4jc, your replies really helped, at present I am not speaking with a therapist i stopped that a little over 6 months ago, and i don't want to go back and I don't want to put my mother specially through all the worrying again which is why I haven't even mentioned anything like that to her. But today was better I think I ate lunch without worries which was good, so I hope this will all just pass away soon.
Thanks again to y'all for being here.

Old 04-04-2004, 09:50 PM   #5
Join Date: Nov 2003
Location: Southern California
Posts: 395
Dance4jc HB User
Re: Scared of falling back down...

No problem, that is what we are here for. Please just keep an eye on yourself and post here if you need support.
~You are precious in His sight

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