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Old 09-06-2004, 11:35 AM   #1
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Aurora HB User
Please can anyone help me

I'm so sorry to do this but I didn't know where to turn... I feel like I am losing my mind. ..
Why exactly was I wanting to get better? I just seem to have lost sight of it all today. I feel like I am so incredibly fat now even though I have only been out of the hospital a week and a day.
I feel so awful and weak and I just can't stop crying.
I hate myself so much. I know that I should not have signed myself out now because I will end up dying of this before much longer.
What is the point of all this? Why bother to eat if it makes me feel this bad? Why live with this pain? I am hurting and I have no idea what it will take to ease this pain away...
I'm so sorry to all of you that I have let down.
H xoxoxo
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Old 09-06-2004, 11:47 AM   #2
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ohiobabe43 HB User
Re: Please can anyone help me

even though u dont know me i know for a fact you havent let anyone down. I dont know ur situation but maybe you should go back to the hospital and continue treatment...u dont want to die and no one wants u to die ...

 
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Old 09-06-2004, 12:47 PM   #3
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eminemworshipper HB User
Re: Please can anyone help me

(((((((((((((((((((((((((((((((((((((AUR ORA))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))) I know this 'pain' of getting better is unbelievably difficult....but this pain is no worser than not eating and slowly damaging yourself. I lose sight often about why Im trying to lose weight...and othertimes..the purpose of it is as clear as day. Have u thought of re-checking yourself back into hospital. I know u feel as though u dont know why u are doing this any more, but u need support no matter what at this point in time....being around people is the best thing for u- people who are there to understand and help u through these crap times. I'm sorry I cant be of much comfort, but this pain will go away if u continue to stay strong- even though that's not the easiest thing!!!!

XXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXX XXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXX XXXXXX We r all here for u

 
Old 09-06-2004, 01:51 PM   #4
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Dance4jc HB User
Re: Please can anyone help me

Sweet Aurora,
You have not let anyone down. This is a bad day for you, one of the worst, but you can make it through it.

You are doing all this to get your "real" life back. The one that has eluded you for so long.

You CAN have joy
You CAN have laughter
You CAN have love

You just have to keep fighting, but you also have to surrender the idea that you know what is best for you. Unfortunately the pain you are in emotionally and physically is putting you in a place where you are not the best one to make decisions for yourself.

Please think about checking yourself back into the hospitol and allowing them to make your decisions regarding your health for you for a little while.

You are hurting so badly and you can not make it stop on your own, no matter how much you want to.

You are VALUABLE, BEAUTIFUL, WISE and WORTHY.

Take a deep breath my sweet friend and go back to the hospitol where they can help you help yourself.

We love you.

~Dance
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Old 09-06-2004, 04:16 PM   #5
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itsjustmeLR HB User
Re: Please can anyone help me

Aurora-
You have NOT let anyone down. You are struggling, that happens when you try to get rid of a habit youve held onto for so long. Its not about weather or not your going to have hard times, its about what you do when they come. You know what you need to do. You need to call up the hospital, tell them you are comming ASAP and get there ASAP. Please do this Aurora. You need people with you who can help you get through this. We are all here for you as much as we can be but you need people there for you in the physical life too. Aurora, we care about you SOOOO much. nothing you could do could change that but please please don't give up. Keep up the fight against your ed. Its not worth what it does to you. You asked why you should want to get better- this is why: because it is the ed that is making you feel like crap. Its not "being better" that is making you feel this way, its the ed still there trying to take over your life. You and I both know that if you go back to your old ways you'll still feel terrible, youll still hate yourself for every calorie you eat, youll still hurt, but you may not live. You know Im not saying that to be mean, Im saying that because I care about you so much and I just want you to see that you DO need to get better- for all of us who care about you but more importantly, for you. I LOVE YOU GIRL! Please keep fighting.

Love,
louisa

 
Old 09-06-2004, 04:48 PM   #6
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Re: Please can anyone help me

Aurora - I don't know much about you - just what I've read over the last couple of months... But I'd say you've been under a tremendous amount of stress lately - the decision to sign yourself out, going home, visiting your parents and not having them want to talk about the very things you NEED to talk about, eating, gaining weight... I think what you're going through is probably a pretty natural reaction to all that. Now, what to do about it... I'd say if returning to the hospital is an option, go for it... You know it's a safe - if not comfortable - environment - by going back at least you'll be physically safe for a while, and you'll have the strain of DECIDING to eat and re-feed your body taken away - it'll be somebody else's decision, until you can make it for yourself more comfortably. Somehow, it seems ED units have revolving doors for many, but I think that's partly because we don't allow them to do their jobs as completely as they can - for personal reasons, or insurance ones (as here in the states). At any rate, it's not a failure on your part at all, but going back is a sign of strength as I see it - it takes a lot of guts to recognize that you require a bit more help, and to be willing to accept it. You certainly have a lot of people here who are pulling for you, and I doubt there's one among them who feels "let down."

Wishing you strength - D.

 
Old 09-07-2004, 11:00 AM   #7
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emily_1990 HB User
Re: Please can anyone help me

Hey H

Firstly sorry you're feeling so low . It makes me so mad to see you so unhappy and I don't even know what I'm mad at but I'll be sending you big hugs!

Secondly, what everyone has been saying about you signing yourself back into hospital is probably a good idea. I know its the last thing you want to do and all that but don't you want to live? Although it feels horrible there its because you're having the control taken away from you for a bit and I know that must be hard to let go of but you have to because you have to get better from this so you can go and live all your dreams. You can do this H.

I'll be thinking of you
Emily xoxox

 
Old 09-08-2004, 08:59 AM   #8
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Aurora HB User
Re: Please can anyone help me

THANKYOU VERY MUCH
I hope to get my head together later or sometime soon to write a reply to each of you.
I am still not doing too great. Basically I have flunked out on the whole beating my ed thing. I starved a full 24hours then gave in and ate a little then vomited it, took a whole box of lax and went for a run for two hours. Then couldn't get myself together enough to even walk home so I lay on the beach freezing cold for a while.
And why do I feel bad about this in regards to letting people down? Well for starters I had the nerve to get upset with some of my friends from the boards who doubted I could get better a while back. Well 1st prize guys because you could see what I could not - that I was born to fail.
On Monday I am meant to go back to work. Anyone wanna bet on the likelihood of me getting to that point by then?
I don't know why I have lost my will to get better. I just don't think life and me go together very well.
But who knows - I could have ANOTHER sudden turn around and be all optimistic before you know it.
Till the miracle happens I am still rooting for the rest of you. You are such amazing people. So kind, caring and ....just ace!
Keep trying, you deserve a life free from pain.
Love H xoxoxo
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Even if I knew that tomorrow the world would go to pieces, I would still plant my apple tree today.

 
Old 09-08-2004, 11:05 AM   #9
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Dance4jc HB User
Re: Please can anyone help me

Sorry you are having such a rough time Aurora. Wish we could do more for you, but you have to do this for yourself and I know that all to well.

I still believe you will get better, it just has to be at your time and pace. Hug your puppy and think of the good things life has to offer.

Sun on your face
The laugh of a child
The lick of a puppy
The smell of the sea

Don't give up just yet!

~Dance
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Old 09-08-2004, 01:40 PM   #10
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Charlyssa HB UserCharlyssa HB UserCharlyssa HB UserCharlyssa HB User
Re: Please can anyone help me

Quote:
Originally Posted by Aurora
THANKYOU VERY MUCH
I hope to get my head together later or sometime soon to write a reply to each of you.
I am still not doing too great. Basically I have flunked out on the whole beating my ed thing. I starved a full 24hours then gave in and ate a little then vomited it, took a whole box of lax and went for a run for two hours. Then couldn't get myself together enough to even walk home so I lay on the beach freezing cold for a while.
And why do I feel bad about this in regards to letting people down? Well for starters I had the nerve to get upset with some of my friends from the boards who doubted I could get better a while back. Well 1st prize guys because you could see what I could not - that I was born to fail.
On Monday I am meant to go back to work. Anyone wanna bet on the likelihood of me getting to that point by then?
I don't know why I have lost my will to get better. I just don't think life and me go together very well.
But who knows - I could have ANOTHER sudden turn around and be all optimistic before you know it.
Till the miracle happens I am still rooting for the rest of you. You are such amazing people. So kind, caring and ....just ace!
Keep trying, you deserve a life free from pain.
Love H xoxoxo
My dearest Aur -

If I were a fairy godmother and had a magic wand, the thing that I would change, first and foremost, is that you would not be so unjustly hard on yourself. Sometimes I think that that's the root of soooooo much you go thru. You don't see yourself as others see you - wonderful, sweet, caring, gentle, kind, loving...oh, the list is endless. Knowing you for months as I have I see the person you are...but you have such a distorted vision of yourself!! So this is what I would change if I could. You have claimed you are a disappointment to others, when, in fact, it is others who have disappointed you. You say you let others down, when, in fact, it is others who have let YOU down ( & we know to whom I am referring) You blame yourself for soooooo many things that aren;t your fault, nor that you can help. Dearest girl, sometimes I think that you keep yourself thin so that you can carry the weight and burden that has been imposed on you.

Clearly this visit home did more harm than good, and is responsible for triggering your current state. I think you said it best in your other thread, that you were "p----- that you couldn't tear down this one remaining barrier between you and your parents". But I think it goes much beyond that, Aur...to a wealth of hurt that your parents don't see you, don't recognize that their little girls is suffering so...that they REFUSE to see what is clearly before them...and how very diminishing, horrific and hurtful this is for you. Home should be a place where one can take refuge, where everything is right with the world, where one is loved, cared for, and there can be openness and honesty, too. Instead, it seems they have let you down, and I can't even imagine how hutful this must be for you. Is it, then, any wonder that you are so devastated?? And then, of course, that this has so affected your ed??? Every bit of this is soooooooo understandable, Aur. But NONE of it is your fault, and until I take my dying breath I will keep pounding this into you!!

You were NOT born to fail, Aur. There isn't a person who has ever walked this earth that hasn't failed many times at things. It's part of life!! But BORN to fail??? NEVER!!! In fact, what I have seen in you is someone very determined to succeed!!! So you have had another setback - so what!!! I have had countless setbacks, myself, as have most people on these Boards!! All we can do is pick ourselves up, dust ourselves off, and try, try again!! But again, you are MUCH too hard on yourself. And it's not about any of us being right and you being wrong...no one here is keeping score!!! You should know by now that all any of us do is state how we feel because we care so much. It's not about us telling you that you are wrong...it's about us caring enough to say anything at all!!!! It's never meant to be confrontational, argumentative, or in any way trying to make you feel bad. It is only because we all know eds so well...we know how vicious they can be. And we know how VERY ill you have been, and we were afraid for you. But let us down in any way???? NEVER!!!!!!!!

I don't think anyone here, including myself, of course, has told you anything you don't already know...including the fact that it's a necessity that you re-enter the program. I know you want to live, but it's the ed that makes you feel that you don't. So, you must keep trying to conquer the ed! You have dreams of the future, a husband you you love and who loves you - you have sooooooo much to live for!!!!!! So, please, Aur, please do what you know you must!!!!!! And know that we are always here for you, and will be, every step of the way!!!!!!!

SOOOOOOOOOO many hugs for you!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Char

 
Old 09-08-2004, 01:42 PM   #11
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Roxie Hart HB User
Re: Please can anyone help me

Oh H, you poor thing

Sorry for not replying to this thread before, I have kept meaning to, but I haven't had too much inclination to post on the boards lately, really not feeling too good. But you really can do this. You are most certainly not a loser, I love you to pieces and I need you here! Could you please please go IP again? You really were in there such a short time when you think about it in relation to how long you have been suffering for. If you would feel uncomfortable going back to the same place, I am sure there must be several other places around you that you could try. Please think about it, and take care of yourself.

I love you so much
xxxxxxxx
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Old 09-08-2004, 07:34 PM   #12
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Quencher HB User
Re: Please can anyone help me

Aury:

Well, for starters, no one ever doubted that you could get better. In fact, the opposite is very much true. We were always rooting for you Aur, whether you know it or not, and we were always on your side—ALWAYS. We care so much about you, you have no idea. And no one ever saw it that you were “born to fail,” either. Not even now, because it's a false statement. And THAT is the truth.

I’m sorry you’re having such a bad day today, and I’m also sorry to hear that you feel the way you do about yourself. But I am delighted at one thing, and that is, you came here because “you didn’t know where to turn.” But as you know, there IS also one other place you can turn to, and that would be inpatient. You say that you “know you shouldn’t have signed yourself out.” Perhaps you should reinstate, then? I can only hope you will do JUST that. I think this would be for the best, Aury, and I hope you agree with me on this. PLEASE reconsider, and do what you must—to live, to thrive, and just SO much more!!!
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Old 09-09-2004, 04:01 AM   #13
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juicy*lucy HB User
Re: Please can anyone help me

Hey Aurora

In the few months I've been on these boards I have seen the most amazing support for you. So many people want you to get better, you have not let anyone down at all and all we want is for you to be happy and healthy. When anorexia has us in it's clutches, we think we know what's best for ourselves but sometimes it's better to let others give us their opinion and help us out. Maybe inpatient would be the best thing for you now, but whatever you decide to do you have to remember all the love and support that is here for you. You deserve the absolute best and to be free from this ED.

Take care of yourself honey

xxx J*L xxx

 
Old 09-09-2004, 03:22 PM   #14
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emily_1990 HB User
Re: Please can anyone help me

H if you seriously think that we didn't believe that you can recover then why would we be telling you to get help? If we honestly thought you couldn't recover we wouldn't bother. We do it because everyone here knows that you need support to recover, that you're going to slip up and when you do you need to know theres somewhere to turn.

I don't really know what to say apart from I believe in you as do so many of us and I can understand why you are reluctant to go inpatient but are there any alternatives?

I hope you are feeling more positive soon
Emily

 
Old 09-09-2004, 04:31 PM   #15
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Aurora HB User
Re: Please can anyone help me

Hiya guys
Well as promised I am replying to each of you now. (Please don't let the computer crash as I have lots to say to you all!)

Ohiobabe - thanks for your reply. Sometimes it gets so hard and its hard to figure out if you want to be alive, yet part of you does. Its confusing and painful. Thats what eds do to a person. How are you getting on with trying not to purge? I know you probably don't want to do this, but I would recommend trying to confide your secret to your boyfriend. Afterall if you love each other enough to want to get married then he will only want to help you.

Caroline - Actually you are all a comfort. I would love to say I am going to take your advice and go back to inpatient...but I just can't do that now.
Hows things with you? Are you missing your friend still? I hope you can try and be good to yourself in his absence. I know how sad you are, but he is still your friend even with a physical distance between you.

Dance - You always say such lovely stuff. But I am ashamed to admit that I cannot bring myself to go back now. I feel like I have no choice but to stick to my oriinal plan of going back to work next week. I know it is foolish, but I can't admit to them that I was just a stupid cow like they thought. (the docs) I don't really know how I am going to manage to keep going, but I must try something to keep me out of there.

Louisa - You are right honey. It is my ed that makes me feel so bad. But it also makes me feel like I need it. But I have left a message for my counsellor so hopefully she will call me tomorrow. How are things going since you told your parents? Are you doing well in your own fight against your ed? I sooo hope so sweetie!

Luktyl - I am scared to be one of those people who find that the ed unit has a revolving door. I don't want them to think I am stupid or weak. I just want to be happy. Maybe I am just a contradiction in terms. You are recoverng from anorexia arent you? Do you honestly feel like you are getting anywhere with it? I know some who say they are almost 100% back to their pre-anorexic habits, and others who...don't. Just curious? And hoping for yours and my sakes that you answer the first one!

Emily - You are so important to me honey. You have been there for me without fail, even though I do not deserve that. The thing with needing to get well to pursue my dreams...its all just turned to nightmares. I am afraid to dream anymore because I can't face my own disappoint if it doesn't go 100% to plan. I am a perfectionist to the core. PS - I will answer your thread in a min.

Char - you are right. I do not see myself as that. I can't. I find it confusing that people even bother to reply to my posts. I have done nothing to deserve it. You, however, are like a fairy godmother to many of us. You are always there waiting to give support and encouragement. We love you.
You raise an interesting point though, about why I keep myself like this. I honestly feel like I need to take everyone elses hurts away from them and take them into myself. I wish I could do that with you all on here. I hate knowing you are suffering so much. I would rather die a thousand deaths and know that in doing so I could rid the people of the world from pain and suffering. See I always did aim high, lol!
I hope you are enjoying the new house. When is your hypnotherapy meant to be put into action?

Millie - I can't go back to IP Millie. I am sorry. But I HAVE to go back to work. I need to get into a 'normal' routine with work because so much is going on right now with my family. I need to take back my role as a support to others. I can't do that from IP. My family is grieving just now and my dad is really sick and I am gonna need to be strong for the rest of them. So you see why I have to try and forget about the anorexia and move on with stuff again.
I am so sorry that things are bad still. I would love to be able to help. When you are ready to open up again I will here for you. Love you sweetie.

Quenchy - Honey if you have read any of the above then you may have understood why things cannot go back to how they were. I am so heartened to think that people like yourself actually do give a damn what I do, and I thank you for that.
How are things going for you? Are you back at school now? Is it helping? I hope you are ok. I do worry for you.

Juicy Lucy - Thanks! I am constantly amazed by the support I get from everyone here. And don't think I haven't noticed how wonderful you all are. But I still wonder why people would bother with me. I am a nobody, nothing special.
How are things with you lately? I know you have been in recovery for a while, but have been finding things a bit difficult lately. I just hope you have people to help you with these feelings.

Hugs to all from H xoxoxoxo
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Even if I knew that tomorrow the world would go to pieces, I would still plant my apple tree today.

 
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