Ummm hi all...again i'm sorry if this is a stupid post but i'm really caught in a tough spot and don't know what to do or if i should even be worrying about this at all anyway but this week has been worse than ever...i'm struggling soo much and now my sis. wants me to do some drugs w/ her tonight...not coke or anything just hash but still i'm just not sure about it...i'm already struggling soo much w/ the eating disorder that part of me is afraid that the giving in to the drugs might just make things worse....i'm sooo confused and my mind is all over the place...part of me wants to say no because even though the effects of the drugs are what i want (escaping from myself and the world) i know that it will only be temporary and aside from everything else i just can't afford to take up that habit on a daily basis again...like my sis. said to me...she wants me to do it because she knows i haven't been able to do it in sooo long that she says i would like to do it again not to mention that well what makes it even harder to say no to her is the fact that this is her b-day gift to me so it would dissapoint her if i say no...i haven't touched any drugs (illegal drugs that is) in about 2 yrs now but i'm afraid if i do it once i'll basically fall in love w/ the effects of it again and i can't afford that...part of me is saying what the hell just do it..your sis wants you to so go ahead who cares...but then in the bk of my mind i hear my big bro. (he passed away when i was 16) telling me not to...that its not worth it and i'll just dig myself into a deeper hole than i'm in now...my bro was the only person who was ever there to protect me and look out for me and now w/ him gone its soo hard...i keep thinking i should just do what my sis wants cause i don't deserve any better anyway so whats to lose..but then part of me wishes my sis would look out for me the way my bro. did...i know thats stupid and selfish though especially since i'm older than her..but damn i'm 22 and yet i still feel like that 16 yr old w/ my bro by my side looking out for me..but the fact is my bro. isn't here anymore and my sis is and i just feel too weak to fight anything and it just seems easier to do what she wants and not dissapoint her than to fight against it..yet deep down i don't want to go down that road again...i just don't know what to do or what to think...i guess i just needed to vent...cause i have no one to turn to..no one to give a damn about me one way or another and i feel soo alone in this...i was going to give up on my support group but then one of the facilitators from the group (who was actually my therapist at one time too) called to check up on me cause i wasn't there last week and that made me feel good...like i wasn't completely alone or forgotten...so i'm gonna keep w/ the support group i think but i don't go until wednesday and i don't know what to do about this situation i'm in
I also have a quick question...the nerves in my arm(s) seem to be really shot...my right arm is the worse..just typing this post is really hard...my arm feels sooo weak and my hand and arm keeps freezing up...like when i'm holding a pen or something the muscles or nerves or whatever will freeze up and my hand/arm will lock into that position and i have to use my other hand to pry my fingers bk into a straight position and try to flex and shake it away to get them moving again..its really messed up...has or does anyone have this problem too?...do you think its related to the e.d like maybe a nutrient deficiency or something?? i'm having a hard time doing certain things because of it...like driving and doing certain workouts or writing and stuff...any input would be appreciated...sorry for the long post...believe me i'll be very grateful if anyone read all this...i don't mean to be a nuissance i just have nowhere else to turn...thanks again in advance.
it might be a nutrient deficiency. maybe call a doctor if you don't have the guts to go in. that's what i would do. DO NOT do the drugs, it will be hard to deal your eating disorder (like you said) if you're also dealing with drugs, if you need support anyone here will be here for you. stay strong!
It seems to me that u already know the right answer about the drugs- it really isn' a good idea...could be so easy to fall back into another problem and it really isn't worth it. I know u feel a bit like 'should I? Shouldnt I?' but u know deep down that these effects are only temporary......I learned that last night...but I dont think Im permitted to talk about what happened with a drug' encounter...let's just say that coming down ..i had never in my life felt so depressed and generally stuck in my whole life.
Im not really sure how to answer to the last part (i dont know myself)...i have the same in one arm- only coz I pulled a few muscles whilst playin darts!! hehe...sorry, I just had to put that- im really pathetic. xxxxxI hope u start to feel better soon. I'm sorry im not much help to u.....but.......Im thinking about u hon.x
Yeah truthfully i do know the RIGHT answer to the drug question...the hardest part is being able to say no to my sis and not disappointing her thats where i'm having a lot of trouble..she didn't end up going out last night so i'm still waiting for her to ask me again...i know i'm not going to be able to keep avoiding it and her so i dunno well see what happens...as for the problems w/ my nerves and muscles...i got soooo bad today...i was at my sis's house cause my older sis is getting married and we and my 2 sis's were getting ready to go to a bridal show and i got extremely naseous and my whole body started tingling and was really weak and then my arms and hands went COMPLETELY paralysed it was the scariest thing ever cause i literally couldn't move my arms from the elbows down and my fingers were locked into a straight position and i couldn't move them at all...it was sooo bad...i thought it might have to do w/ potassium but my sis didn't have bananas or oranges at home so we drove past a grocery store and she bought me some bananas...i eventually got movement bk but i'm still having problems w/ this...i've been trying to load in the multi-vitamins to see if that will help..but geeze it was sooo embarrasing cause my sis had to open the car door for me and buckle me and peel the banana for me,etc because i couldn't do any of this for myself...but i just can't eat even though i guess this is a warning i just keep thinking ahhh who cares i'll deal w/ it as long as i don't end up completely paralysed like that again...anyways i'm doing the multi-vitamins now so we'll see...thanks for all your input and support again...and thanks for reading that loooong post lol....and oops looks like this post is gonna be a long one too...sorry
Fallen, I can't even begin to imagine what inner torments you are facing; my heart goes out to you.
I hope and pray that you did not go along with your sister's wishes last night. There's no such thing as a "safe" drug, and as you struggle with your ed, you certainly don't need the added complications of possibly falling into habitual drug use again. Please think about what it would do to your body, as well as your mind, sweetie. You need to be able to draw on all possible inner resources at this time.
Forgive me for being so blunt, but I think that your sister is trying to get you using again, despite all this talk about birthday presents, etc., in order to validate her own drug use. Don't give in to her!!!
You're dealing with a lot right now, including that great void left in your heart after your brother's death, but do you think that you have enough physical and mental strength to perhaps try to help your sister get off drugs? I guess what I'm asking is if you thought you could try to be there for her, as your brother was for you? I am in no way trying to lay a guilt trip on you, because I know that you barely have enough inner reserves of strength to deal with your own problems, but it was just a thought... maybe if you could try to help her, you would begin to feel a sense of purpose that has been lacking in your life, and that could help you with your own problems.
I obviously don't know anything about your family situation, except for your ed and prior drug use, your brother's death (for which I am deeply sorry; I'm sure that the pain is excruciating), and your sister's drug use. I think that your family might benefit from some counseling as a group, if there's any way to pursue that. I assume that your relationship with your parents is less than perfect, if you feel that you have "no one to turn to". It's so sad to me that you feel that way... it's of little comfort, I know, but you do have your many friends here and, as you just discovered, your support group facilitator.
Speaking of her, you said that you didn't know how you were going to get through until Wednesday, with this situation with your sister going on. Is there any way that you can call your facilitator if you ever have a problem that can't wait until the next group meeting?
Another thought I had was for you to undergo grief counseling, separate from your ed counseling. Many churches and hospitals offer free "bereavement" classes or weekly support group meetings (usually for eight weeks or so) for those who are grieving the loss of a loved one. Such classes or meetings are offered on a continuing basis throughout the year.
Your weird arm and hand symptoms sound a lot to me like dystonia, which is a neurological disorder affecting the nerves that control certain muscle groups that often go into spasm while attempting to perform a specific task. It sounds really dire, but it's not (at least based on your particular set of symptoms). Often, physical therapy will help relieve the symptoms. The best doctor to see would be a "movement disorders" specialist, but if you don't have access to someone with that expertise, then a "regular" neurologist should be able to diagnose the problem and recommend treatment options.
Oh thanks Pat....i'm sorry i just can't get into things too deep right now..i'm just not sure i can handle all the feelings anymore...i just want to escape...but as for my sis. and the drugs...she only does certain drugs once in a while...she's 18 so its well you know the average teenage thing..she doesn't rely on drugs on a regular basis or anything...unlike me who has in the past relied on them to 'escape' life...which is why deep down i know i shouldn't even do it 'this one time' because i don't want to choose to become dependant on them as an 'escape' on a daily basis...i'm hoping my sis. just won't ask me again and maybe it will go away w/out me having to come up w/ an answer or excuse for her and get into that discussion...i haven't had contact w/ any friends in a very long time...i pushed all my friends away..i can't seem to hold onto a friend anymore..i guess i'm too much of a messed up loser...i don't blame anyone for not wanting to be around me...as for my family and you're advice about family counselling...ha ha ha ha ha ha...sorry i'm not laughing at you because that is something that would have been beneficial not only now but yrs and yrs ago...but there is no way my parents would ever take that step...they avoid and ignore everthing and my dad will not admit or acknowledge ANY of his faults...instead he does everything he can to keep his reputation up and brainwash everyone...anyways thats all a long story and i just can't get into it....i just can't stand even thinking about all the hurtful crap....last night my mind was soo full of hurtful memories that i just couldn't push away...it was a terrible night and then i ended up having this horribly scary,hurtful,crazy nightmare....anyway i think i'm gonna stop yapping but i dunno...it feels like my whole world is crashing down on me...and i feel too weak to deal w/ it...the only thing i feel like i have left to hold onto is this eating disorder and so i'm just going to focus on that and wait......
P.S and yeah the facilitators (both of them actually) are great but it just doesn't feel right to bother them on their time.....
you sound like the sweetest person and i wish i was strong enough to do the things you're saying but i'm not...its hard when you feel soo alone...i did start therapy and went for 3 weeks but couldn't afford it anymore....financially i'm sooooo in the hole and can't afford help anyway (thats a whole nother story) but i dunno it just feel like everything is against me and nothing is working out or going right so why bother fighting it..sorry for the negativity but this is how i'm feeling
Sorry- i havent been back to check this post out so i feel as if i have missed tonnes....im just about to get to bed and have skim-read most of it so know the jist at the moment- but ill have to respond properly tomorrow. How logn have u been feeling these weak sensations in your arms etc? Have u been to see a doctor at any point??
i can't seem to hold onto a friend anymore..i guess i'm too much of a messed up loser.....
Fallen, hon, if you're a "loser" because.... you have had some failures in your life, or you have let some people down, including yourself, or you feel "weak" at times, or you feel like "escaping" from all the hurt right now, or you feel as though nothing is ever going to work out for you, that you'll ever truly be at peace with yourself and with the world... then what you really are
a human being.
I don't have a background in psychology, but I am a fellow human being who has felt all of the above at various times in my life, including this very night. When I was younger, I, too, would have often considered myself a "loser", but at my advanced age (lol), I know that I'm not, that I'm doing the best I can with the plate that has been handed me. A day doesn't go by when I don't wish that I would just fall asleep and not wake up...
... but a day also doesn't go by when I don't try to make the best of the horrible situation in which I find myself right now, or try to change the way in which I am coping (or not coping...) with the situation. I've learned that no matter how hopeless a situation seems, no matter how helpless we feel, we still have choices. I can't change my current circumstances right now, but I sure as heck can change my reaction to them. I can roll over and play dead, or I can resolve to not let the situation forever rule my life. It's all about attitude. Some days the best I can do is to realize that even in the midst of the horrible stuff, there is still a lot that is good in my life; other days (rarely) I will even think that maybe someday, somehow, circumstances will change -- or, maybe, there will be a way that I can change them.
I'm sorry... it's 2:00 in the morning, and my head is throbbing, and I'm not expressing myself at all well, but I did so want to write to you before another day went by.
Sweetie, I do wish that you weren't hurting so much and that you weren't feeling so lost and so alone.
I wish that you weren't haunted by horrible memories and nightmares of the past; I wish that your childhood had been one in which you felt loved and cherished.
If it were only in my power to do so, I would wave a magic wand and make it all better, but I can't, no matter how much I wish I could.
You can't change the past, either, but you can, perhaps, begin to build a life now and in the future that will be filled with all the wonderful things that you deserve. In this new life, you will be able to replace the dark, haunting memories with bright, happy ones. Yes, you can get out of this hole. I've already seen evidence of your inner strength; please reread what you wrote about doing drugs again:
>> deep down i know i shouldn't even do it 'this one time' because i don't want to choose to become dependant on them as an 'escape' on a daily basis...<<
That statement says to me that you have done a lot of soul-searching and have achieved enough self-awareness and self-respect to be able to reject at least one form of self-destructive behavior.
It's a huge start, and it is something that I think that you can build on if you only give yourself the chance to do so. You are clearly a very intelligent young woman, and in all honesty, I think that you can do just about anything you put your mind to.
... not that it's going to be easy... or that it will happen in a matter of weeks or even months... but you will do it. I'm not an unintelligent woman, either, (old, perhaps, but not stupid!) and I don't ever say or write anything just because it sounds "nice" (although I do remember writing some less-than-honest thank-you notes about some "unique" wedding gifts many years ago!!! lol). I really have faith in you, and I think that on a very deep, subconscious level, you do, too.
How was your support group meeting on Wednesday? Were you able to talk about your sister and the drugs?
Oh, and PLEASE see somebody about your hand and arm numbness and spasms! As I wrote already, I don't think it's anything serious, but you shouldn't take any chances.
first off thank you to both of you (eminemw, pat) for the encouragement and support.
eminem: I had to see my psychiatrist yesterday to fill out forms to put me on a waiting list for an eating disorder inpatient program...i told him about the arm thing and everything else...he said he's thinking i might need to be in the hospital temporarily because of my mood,etc and i really seem to be bad off he upped up dose of meds and is going to wait and see..i see him again in 2 weeks and i don't want him to put me in the hospital..i'm not sure if he can even do that though if i say no i'm really trying to hang in there...its just so hard to push the darkness away....i'm still fighting though.
Pat: Thank you sooo much for the support and those kind words...you definitely sound very wise, i read and really payed attention to your words and am going to really try to tough it out...its tough because most of the time the darkness feels like its taking over and i just want someone to grab me and hold me and give me a hug to help me find some kind of peaceful comforting feeling that it's not over yet and i can do this...maybe that sounds dumb but thats how i feel....i hate to sound soo needy or selfish but inside i really long for that kind of support or 'pick me up'. There are still times when i still want to fight this and try to get better but i'm sooo scared, i go back to work on the 27th (i've been on disability for the last month) and i know i'm not ready to go back but i feel like i just don't have a choice at this point financially i'm completely in the hole...i'm soo afraid i will end up getting fired, i'm suprised my work has put up w/ me for even this long i just don't think they're going to put up w/ my issues much longer. I just don't know what to do. I'm also really scared about the inpatient program, my doc is putting me on the waiting list to go there, i know it probobly won't be anytime too soon but as for right now i just don't think i can do it and get myself to go there...i'm sooo scared of gaining weight i really just don't want that, i'm afraid i'll hate myself even more if i gain weight actually i KNOW i will, i started telling myself that i may as well give up on all thoughts of recovery and just give in to the eating disorder completely and try to forget everything else but the fact and truth is i really don't want to live this way and really do want to change...i just feel like i can't, there just seems to be soo much holding me back. Anyways, i know i'm not the only one w/ difficulties and everyone else struggling w/ an eating disorder,etc has these hard times too...i'm gonna hang in there and just see what happens...i'm just not sure exactly what i'm supposed to do. I can't afford therapy...i'm not sure how much longer i'm even going to be able to afford my meds, i don't know that i'll be able to go back on disability in order to go to the inpatient program in the future and on top of that i'm not even sure that i'm going to be able to handle my job when i go back...it just feels like i'm at the end..so right now i'm just really worn out and decision making is just too difficult right now so i'm just trying not to think too much..umm yeah i think i'm done talking now lol....thanks again your words have really helped me a lot...oh and best wishes to you, you deserve sooooo much happiness and you too eminem you're both soooo wonderful
Sorry- i just read this post now......how long (if u go into hospital) will u be in there for??xxxxxx That really sucks for u, but maybe it's what u need at the moment.....but I suppose the support of hospital isnt really the same as your close friends....i'd feel really uncomfortable going into hospital.....but it seems that by how u have been feeling at the moment, that you'd benefit from it so much!!!!
XXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXT onnes of love sweetie!!!! I know you're having a right sh**** old time at the moment....it's hard to see past this rubbish time and see a good time a head..but it's waiting for u...u just need to get through this hard bit to reach it!!xxx
You just sit still and close your eyes and imagine crazy old Pat (lol) sitting down next to you, putting her arms around you and holding you tight, rubbing your back and stroking your hair, letting you cry and cry and sob and sob, making you blow your nose, and telling you that everything is going to be all right. It really, really is. And if you yell at me that it won't be all right, that I'm a crazy old lady who doesn't know what she's talking about, I'm still going to tell you that you're worth it, that getting well is worth it, that whatever you say to me isn't going to make me change my mind about you. I care about you, and I hate this disease because of what it's done to you and my friend's daughter, whom I've known since she was a cute and mischievous little two-year-old girl, and everybody else out ther who didn't ask for this disease and certainly doesn't deserve it. But all of us together --those suffering from this evil "thing" and those who care about those who are suffering from it-- we're bigger than this disease, and we're stronger than it, and we will conquer it. Oh, yes, we will. You'd better believe we will.
Sweetie, I am thrilled that you have seen your psychiatrist. Inpatient might be the way to go. Perhaps in the hospital, with others who are also suffering from ed, you will feel less alone, less scared, less overwhelmed, and less hopeless. For me, there is no more horrific emotion than feeling hopeless. I would rather feel all alone in the world, helpless, and scared to death than feel hopeless. Hope is the only thing that we have when we have nothing else. It took me many years to realize that hope is one of the very few things on earth that we can give ourselves, that no one, or nothing can take away from us.
I certainly understand your concerns about your job and finances, but I think that it's time to let someone else take care of that. There are people out there whose job it is to make sure that you don't need to worry about all of that right now. Hospitals have social workers who can work with and for you to get the help you need. They should be able to coordinate resources for you, look into the possibility of extending your disability payments, check out the legal aspects of how extended disability might or might not affect your job security, determine what will or will not be covered by your insurance coverage (if you have any; and if you don't, many states are now offering free or low-cost insurance coverage to those in need; many of these programs cropped up several years ago to assist children who had no insurance, and some have begun to include families and individuals, as well).
If you don't want to get involved with the hospital right now, then you should turn to your local (or county) department of mental health services for guidance, and I would suggest doing so the sooner, the better, because if you do have to go into the hospital, you won't want to be panicking about all of this at the last minute. I just hopped online and found out that my local board of health website has a link to a long list of resources, including additional links to the county department of human services, board of social services, and division of mental health services. Within each of these county sites are links to other resources, including those at the state level.
Among the many responsibilities of these various agencies are referral and advocacy. I just want you to know that you are not alone in this struggle!!!
Oh, I also wanted to let you know that there are several programs which you can find online that provide free or low-cost prescription meds to those who can't afford them. I was researching this topic for a friend whose sister in another state has no health insurance and is in desperate need of medication that she simply cannot afford on her own. Often, those who provide the meds are the pharmaceutical companies themselves!! Why don't you go online, and do a search for "free prescription drugs needy" or some such thing; in most cases, you should be able to fill in some info (anonymously) to see if you qualify, then download a form that you bring to your doctor to fill out, which either he or you then submits. Just please stay away from the "shady"-sounding sites that talk about "no prescription needed" and throw the word Canada around!! There are definitely legit ones out there.
OMG!!! It's 4:00 in the morning. I have got to do something about getting my days and nights straightened out.
Good-night for now. Please consider yourself hugged!!
P.S. It's o.k. that you feel so conflicted in not wanting to gain weight, yet not wanting to be chained to ed forever, either. My friend's daughter feels the same way right now. She wants to get better, doesn't understand why she isn't there yet, doesn't understand why she still wants to lose weight, and so on and so on. It's heartbreaking. She's a senior in h.s. right now, and has cancelled her senior picture sitting three times now, because she doesn't like the way she looks (she gained some weight during "day patient" treatment over the summer). So now, this poor girl will probably not even have her picture in the yearbook, which is going to cause her all sorts of embarrassment at the end of the year when everybody is passing their yearbooks around and signing them. I'm sure she knows this (my friend, her mom, certainly does), but she just can't bring herself to have her picture taken. As I said, it's all so very, very sad.
Ummm well as for the hospital thing i don't know how long, my psych. just said temporarily but the thing is.. i know he's not talking about a regular 'hospital' stay i just know he's talking about the psychiatric ward in the hospital and that really scares me..i've been there in the past..i only had to spend a week in there about 2-3 yrs ago but it was the longest week of my life...you feel soo trapped and alone...completely locked up and its only after the 1st 5 days or so that you even get the privelege of going outside for a supervised walk around the block...i know i already feel so alone right now so that wouldn't make a difference but being locked up w/ no freedom and feeling alone is just horrible...not to mention i'm sure no one would visit me and that would make me feel even more alone...i dunno i'm just complaining i know but it really scares me. As for the inpatient program...i haven't given up on that yet but i'm still not sure that i will have the courage to go when that time comes...the reason i had to see my psych again soo soon (on thursday) was to fill out the forms for the inpatient program, at 1st i wasn't going to go i was thinking i shouldn't bother w/ it..but i did end up changing my mind and decided to go through w/ it...i'm trying to push forward the best i can even though its sooo tough...and thanks Pat for all that info. it's given me a little more hope that maybe i'm not at a dead end yet at not financially and thank you sooooo much for the hug...i was picturing myself sitting next to you, etc that made me feel soooooooooo good...nobody has ever been there for me like that so even though this is only 'cyber world' lol it really made me smile ....eminemw gosh i have to thank you too you've been wonderful too, i know you're having a difficult time too and yet you make time to support me (and others) you're the best how are you doing now that your friend left?...i hope you too are hanging in there....thanks again you 2...you're the bestest
Would you believe I didn't get to sleep until close to 7:00 this morning?! Of course, I then slept until noon and am about to take a nap (at 6:00 p.m.), because I can hardly keep my eyes open--all of which means that I will probably be up half the night again!!! I've got to learn how to tough out the daytime fatigue and not give in to the naps, so that I can begin to get back on a normal schedule again!
I'm glad that my cyber-hug meant so much to you. It did to me, too!!
I'm sorry, but I thought that the psych's mention of the hospital was in connection to the inpatient ed program (which I thought was in a hospital). I don't "really" know you nor what you might have said to him that caused him to think that hospitalization was a possibility.
Maybe he picked up on your suicidal thoughts (which you have already said--at least here--that you wouldn't follow through on), but if that were the case, then he wouldn't be waiting two weeks to see you again.
I'm just confused about why he is considering that option, but as I said, I don't know all of the details. On something this serious, I would have to defer to a professional's judgment; in other words, I couldn't in all good conscience encourage you to disregard his opinion.
BUT, perhaps you could convince him that you will enter the IP program once an opening becomes available, because you feel that it would be more beneficial to you than hospitalization. Hospitalization, as you indicated, would be an isolating experience, whereas you want and need the supportive environment of an IP ed program in order to work toward getting well.
I hope and pray that the new meds/increase in dosage will kick in soon and that you will start to feel a little stronger emotionally.
Fallen, hon, don't you dare forget that I believe in you and I KNOW that you can do this, no matter how impossible it seems to you right now!!!
You seem to have a handle on what's at stake here, including the pros and cons (for you) of getting better ~ and you express yourself openly and honestly in writing. I would encourage you to keep a journal, if you aren't already doing so. Being able to write so freely is a gift!
I'm literally "dropping" here, so I'd better close for now.