Ferocious cycle--cannot escape my thoughts of anger, guilt, lonliness, unhappiness. - Eating Disorder Recovery Message Board

MistiGrace · 09-10-2004, 06:47 PM

Hey you guys,
I haven't written in awhile. My body's getting used to hurling, but doesn't like it. I think I lost something like 2 pounds, but I'm sure I've already gained that plus more. After pigging out tonight, all through my meal I kept asking myself "How am I going to get rid of this food?" I've heard it said before that some food is easier to throw up than others.
If all this wasn't bad enough already, I just had to break one of my good friendships off. It used to be a great friendship, but it was so unhealthy. I had to get out of it for me. I'm living with the consequences now, and so is he (and no, we never dated, but he wanted to). I've been crying (which I never do), and have been physically sick and nauseous the past 4 or 5 days. THis is gross and I'm sorry, but I have no control over which end my body decides to purge everything I put into it.
I'm so sick, so tired (I work nights, and this tumultuos friendship didn't help), and so scared. Now that I'm in the pattern of purging (still haven't mastered throwing up; my face gets real red and tears comes to my eyes from gagging, but that's it), I'm worried that i won't be able to turn around.

I completely recognize this as a control issue. I'm nearly 28 and have my master's in Counseling. I know this stuff, why am I doing it? Having control over this and my walk with God is the only thing I feel like I have left to hang onto. Everything else changes, nothing's ever the same. Time in prayer makes me feel worthless, guilty, and like I only run to Him when the bad times roll around. I'm trying to sek help and heal from this broken friendship. That's so new and fresh right now. I cannot bring myself to tell my accountability partner about this food issue I've been dealing with for so long. I go from one extreme to another--not eating at all and feeling like crap, to now eating and feeling so incredibly grotesque. She's disappointed in me already for the poor decisions I've made. I just think I need to face one battle at a time. And i know this won't go away on its own.

When am I ever going to feel like I can stop doing this to myself? Do I have to hit rock bottom and become seriously ill or worse, for me to wake up and get help? Why am I so against getting the help I need that I know I would want for others to get going through the same problem?

MG

novblis · 09-11-2004, 07:04 PM

MG-
Wow, all I can say is that I feel what you are going through. I may not be in the same situation, but I know what it feels like to feel guilty going to the One who can and will save us from this pain we go through.

I go through the same cycles all the time. I cannot stress how much guilt I feel whenever I go to God, going to Him when times are tough. Its sad, as I look at my prayer journal and see that the last entry was almost a month ago. I just feel bad that my thoughts revolve around food, instead of what He wants for me in my life. Things are so much better with Him...when I feel close to Him..yet, I still turn away. In the way of accountability-it's so hard talking to my best friend about the food issues I deal with. She's one of my accountability partners-someone who I should trust and not feel uneasy talking to about my weaknesses..but I tend to stray away from the largest weakness in my life when the question of, "What can I pray for you about?" comes up.

I know what you mean when you question your own actions compared to the actions you want others to take. I am going to school to become a diatician. Its difficult to go through the same struggles with those whom I want to help. It makes me feel like a hypocrit. It also makes me want to fight this ED monster for all it's worth.

All I can say is that I will pray for you, and that you aren't alone in this. If you ever want to talk, I am here.

Novblis

MistiGrace · 09-11-2004, 07:54 PM

Novblis,

Oh honey, you so feel my pain. I'm glad that someone else knows exactly how I feel. You know how a lot of us are used to saying "I know how you feel", but i know you really do.

This whole issue with my friend has been tumultous to say the least. I wish I could just get over it.But, it's a process. Just like the whole food issue. I truly feel that I can't to anybody about it. I feel horrible because I feel like I'm such a needy person. I go to my accountability partner it seems like every other week with so more disappointing news for her or some crisis she has to get me through. She's tring to help me get through the current crisis. That's hard enough right now. She has so much on her plate right now it's not even funny, but still she makes time for little old me. Her heart is incredible. She hates my behavior, but loves me, and I know that, but I don't want to send her another bombshell right now. I can't. It's getting to the point now where my body's so confused with what I'm doing to it, that it doesn't want to purge. How can it be so in between like that? Like I get real nauseous after eating so many calories in just one little piece of food. I want to get rid of it--should have never given in to my urges in the first place, but my body keeps it down. THe point of doing all this is to LOSE WEIGHT, not gain it. I would be so depressed to gain more weight tan I already have. Have I said lately that I'm tipping 100lbs? And that scares me. I almost hate to exercise because I'll gain muscle which means I'll gain weight. Hello? Where's the solution in this?

You feel like you're a hypocrite? I feel like a hypocrite every minute of my life. I say I want to live for God. I say I'm a Christian and a friend to otgers but I'm really not. I know I'll only be happy unless I'm doing ministry full time, but I have to force myself to read my Bible for 10 minutes a day? Something doesn't add up here.
Despite my friend issue, I think life's great and that I'm doing fine, but then there's this control thing with food. I hate looking at it, I hate eating it. I only eat to live. Life is an art of moving on. I will get through this...one day. But I have to question myself, do I really want to? Or do I just like to suffer and punish myself? Nothing I've ever done has been without struggle. I've never learned things the easy way. I've never taken the shorter road.

novblis · 09-11-2004, 08:53 PM

It's great to think that in the midst of all of our troubles, God has brought our thoughts and feelings together. Even us together

It's actually quite shocking to me sometimes that God still has enough grace to give to me.

Feeling that your body doesn't want to give it up is very familiar to me. I've been anorexic for almost 3 years and not one time have I been able to perge...I try, trust me...I do...and my eyes water-the whole bit..all I've gotten to is heaving. I go through stages of not eating...binging...not eating...binging. My body is so confused. It's actually sad that we are soo good at being horrible and fighting our bodies that it begins to fight back. (its also sad that God has created our bodies to fight back and stay strong and we know that...but still would rather be consumed with the ED monster..) I try and try to lose weight and not gain it..it seems like it takes all the effort in the world to even stay where I am at. I feel like I am rambling...it's probably that I am so confused and consumed with this that my mind or my physical body cannot understand what's going on.

Instead of being afraid to work out, all I do is think about working out. I work out 6-7 days a week(depending on what I've eaten that seventh day). I hate it when people tell me that I am getting "more toned"...it makes me confused as to what that means...and how I get rid of that "tone". Sadly, I'd rather have no muscle and be skinnier. I've hit 103-104. I've been 93..and I want that back(even if I was so weak I couldn't think straight)

Yea...today I was driving and felt like I needed to talk to God..it seems I always start with, "I am sorry." I know what you mean about your accountability partner...you feel more of a burden..and you feel needy. Gosh, whenever I talk to Candace I feel as if I am doing ALL the talking...I ramble on and on..and then later question if I should have let all that information out. I guess we just have to remember that God has given these special people in our lives a gift of listening and compassion for others. Let her pray for you...I think God wants to hear about our lives..even if it's not from our lips or hearts-if that makes sense.

I am sorry about the friendship that you've lost..I read one of your earlier posts in a different thread...was it the guy that threatened to tell your mom?

It's evident that we are both struggling..it makes it even more clear as I type...however, YOU are in my prayers..and I thank God for putting you in my life. Hope to hear from you soon.
Novblis

firewtr38 · 09-11-2004, 08:56 PM

Misti
I can SO relate when it comes to feeling like a hypocrite. I am a social worker. I see clients individually and in groups. Constantly suggesting things for them to do or offering my thoughts and advice. But then here I am starving myself, knowing it's not good, but not stopping it. I can completely understand. But I keep saying, along with extra help from other supports, that it is helpful to know what it's like to be on "both sides of the couch" so to speak. In the end it will only make you a better counselor. It's a long hard battle but it will only help you and those you work with now or in the future.
Just wanted you to know
Fire