Ok, I made it a week! Exactly one week of eating healthy and normal (watching my calories of course but eating no binging no purging) and yesterday I lost it. I can't figure it out. Nothing really happened that triggered it except that no one was around and I could. I had one episode yesterday where I B/P and today I feel awful. I'm trying no to feel guilty, but my body literally feels awful. I'm bloated, my eyes are irritated, my skin feel gross. I'm trying not to get upset and telll myself it was just one little set back and that this is a journey but I get so mad for doing this to myself. I feel awful. Though there is one good thing to this, since i have decided to get better and have been in therapy I recognize so much more and I am learning a lot about myself and the disease. So, I made it a week. That's something. I hav elearned that I do nothing on moderation. Eat, drink, starve, smoke, gamble, all the good vices. (not that I drink, gamble or smoke often) I recognize now that when I haven't had eating issues (in-between-times) I've usually drank and smoked. Interesting huh? I guess they both smae the same purpose.
You made it a week, that's great! You are always going to experience bumps in the road. Try not to get down on yourself for the episode...it happens. You have to let go of the guilt and move on...today is another day....that's how you break the cycle. You are human. You are going to make mistakes. Do something nice for yourself...take a hot bath, read a book, buy a new cd...
I use to b/p the most when I was alone, for instance if my roommate was gone, boyfriend away etc...I think being alone triggered the episodes. At one time I hated to be alone....I felt so lonely and empty, but at the same time I wanted to be alone so I could tend to my binging and purging.
So keep going girl!!! Remember, recovery does not happen overnight...This disease is not something you can quit cold turkey! You are very lucky to be as strong as you are. There are many people with ed's that stuggle their whole life and never find an inch of recovery...Take advantage of the strength you have now so you can enjoy the rest of your life being healthy and most important, HAPPY!!
Ok, I made it a week! Exactly one week of eating healthy and normal (watching my calories of course but eating no binging no purging) and yesterday I lost it. I can't figure it out. Nothing really happened that triggered it except that no one was around and I could. I had one episode yesterday where I B/P and today I feel awful. I'm trying no to feel guilty, but my body literally feels awful. I'm bloated, my eyes are irritated, my skin feel gross. I'm trying not to get upset and telll myself it was just one little set back and that this is a journey but I get so mad for doing this to myself. I feel awful. Though there is one good thing to this, since i have decided to get better and have been in therapy I recognize so much more and I am learning a lot about myself and the disease. So, I made it a week. That's something. I hav elearned that I do nothing on moderation. Eat, drink, starve, smoke, gamble, all the good vices. (not that I drink, gamble or smoke often) I recognize now that when I haven't had eating issues (in-between-times) I've usually drank and smoked. Interesting huh? I guess they both smae the same purpose.
I was that way too...nothing in moderation. I still may be that way a bit. I totally understand what you mean. Do you know why there is no moderation in anything you do? I sure don't.
I have no idea about the moderation thing but that is going to be one of the first things I address with my therapsit in about one hour. I don't get it. Today I feel lousy. Because I had already screwed up on Thursday, that night I went to a party and ate whatever and drank wine only to feel like crap that night and the next day. Friday was ok but I was starving before we got dinner (at a restaurant, it took forever) so I ate too much and again Saturday night at a party not only did I overeat but I also over drank!!! I haven't really drank in a month until this weekend. And again yesterday I just filled up on crap. I don't understand it. I have not purged since Thursday but I tend to get the attitude that "well, this day is shot, I might as well make the best of it and eat what i want...." but it turns into an ugly cycle. It's like I can't survivie outside of my regular routine. I can't figure out if my b/p is a result of opportunity (because I'm alone) or hunger from dieting, or emotional. One day I think it's one thing and the next day it seems to be something else. I don't get it. Today I feel lousy!
I know exactly what you mean with the attitude of "Well this day is shot, who cares what I eat". It's so much easier said than done. I thought I had done good for going three days without purging. But I lost control. That's what it is - control. Once we lose it, the battle is over - but what I am slowly learning is that once the control is lost, I have to find a way to get it back again. Ok, so I start a new week on a Wednesday. It's the only way to give yourself hope again. It's a monster - to me bulimia is a monster - a demon more like it. I can't get rid of it. It's the ugliest thing I have ever had contact with. Just when I think I can beat it, I'm alone again and thus I purge. And afterwards, I feel totally lousy too.
We have to figure out a way to beat it. There has to be a way. I started a new diet again......and today is a new day. Encouragement is what I give you...be strong.
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