Belledin

Ugh, so irritated with myself. Have had irregular eating patterns since I was 13. I was full-blown anorexic for at least one year (low of 95 lbs) until my parents badgered me into eating again through sheer persistence and annoyingness. Gained a lot of wait during college (peak 135lbs), then lost it in grad school. I'm 24 now, and I've developed some seriously unhealthy weight-control habits. I currently have a prescription for Phentermine and drink wine instead of eating meals.

I'm 5'2", 110 lbs (clearly ineligible for Phentermine). I don't even have a goal weight--I just want to NOT EAT, EVER. I recognize in my head that at, say, 100 lbs, my breasts would deflate, my pretty curves would dissolve, and I'd feel like crap. I don't care, though. I don't really care if I get to 100 lbs and I don't care if I stay at 110 lbs. I just want that empty feeling, even if I have to self-medicate to do it. I want to deprive myself--I want to feel angelic and empty and purepurepure and fragile. Even if I drink all night, dehydrate myself, and refuse to put anything in my stomach so that, the next morning, I drag myself from my bed and see I'm 5 lbs. lighter on the scale......even if my stomach is heaving with unabsorbed alcohol and my muscles are all sore from sheer deprivation of nutrients.

I just want to talk to someone a little bit OLDER--I see these *girls*--13, 14, 15-- depriving themselves and I hope they don't get to where I am. I would love nothing more than to set this case of bricks down....

I am the jelly-fat, quivering case of bricks and I'm staying right where I am, apparently.

It's so sad--I adore cooking. And I love the taste of food. Cooking is such a womanly, life-sustaining activity. To feed one's family and friends is one of the greatest priveliges, I think. You are literally keeping them alive.

But at the same time, I refuse to feed myself. Why am I not worthy of the same attention I lavish on my boyfriend and friends?