blueyes678

Hello all. As I sit here reading and relating to so many of you, I think to myself... "OK, you're not completely alone...." I don't know where to start or even how to begin. I wish we didn't have to eat food to stay alive. People speak of enjoying food and the happiness it brings. They speak of how delicious things are and how they crave certain foods. I do not relate. I hate food. It makes me feel sick...guilty and so incredibly fat. I don't eat most foods and the foods I eat, I can't help but throw them up. I have hidden my secret from my family and friends for years. (I am 26) The very first thought in my mind when I wake up is, "I'm fat." The next thought it, "I don't want to get dressed b/c I'll look fat..." followed by, "I am hungry, but don't want to eat, b/c I don't have the strength to throw up right now. I watch people eat and think to myself, "How can you eat?" "You shouldn't eat that..." or just, "I wonder if they throw up too?" This cycle is killing me. (literally) My stomache always hurts, I have intestinal problems (went to a gastroenterologist but "forgot" to mention my little secret) and I just don't feel right. Does anyone know the feeling of looking in the mirror and wanting to watch yourself disappear? Dying sounds more pleasant than eating. Does anyone else hate getting dressed b/c of the fear of looking fat? Does anyone else hate themselves so much their lives are run by the thoughts their weight?? I want to stop, but can not...I can not help how I think and feel. Sometimes I drink something rather than eat it b/c I don't want to feel fat. I am scared this cycle will never end and I am scared my family will judge me. I live on my own and other than me telling them, there is no way of them finding out. How can I be normal and live a normal life. I want to once sit down and eat something not critisizing myself or keep thinking, "When I'm done, I have to go to the bathroom..." How do we break the cycle that slowly kills us from the inside out??