cryingskies

I've just been having a real hard time lately....Christmas is coming up and I lost my grandmother and this is the second christmas without her, and the second christmas without my best friend and it's not the same anymore. I don't look forward to it. I spend all day with my family and my grandma and all nite with my best friend....I mean what do I do now....it sucks....and I feel like everything is so out of control....this disease has over taken me....I thought I had control, but the whole time it's had control of me...ha...what an idiot I was...to think for one moment that I had it all under control....I tell everyone that.....the other day i was in a friend of mine's workplace and she hugged me and she just looked at me so concerned and said everytime i see you, you are smaller and smaller, and i looked her in the eyes and lied to her.......i'm okay, I have it under control...and she always just asks me to get help...I feel bad, because something in me wants it and knows i need it, but everything else screams no im fine....ive been through more in the past 4 years than i ever have, and probaby more than most people have, and to be honest its reall F***** with my head...a very good friend ive had since i was 5 overdosed and died, my grandmother died, my best friend hit a tree drunk driving and died, another good friend of mine...her sister walked into her trailor and found her dead on the couch, two of my aunts died, my mom had a bad wreck and messed herself up real bad and she's not the same anymore, she can't do anything with me that she used to do, she cries all the time because shes in pain, it sucks....everything is just out of control, and i cant handle it....theres nothing that i can fix...its all just final i cant change any of it and i cant stand it i dunno. i just really needed to vent i guess...happy holidays