Random ramblings... - Eating Disorder Recovery Message Board

Anterrabae · 12-19-2004, 09:53 PM

Things just feel different lately. Better and worse. I finished classes and for the past week have been home and it has thrown my eating and restricting schedules all off kilter. I normally would restrict all day and then come home and eat soup and some fruit, feel very full, and then be done with food for the day. But with being done for the semester, I'm home all day.. it just has me so thrown. Like I would eat a power bar in the afternoon and a piece of something that I had baked.. so I'd have to skip dinner. My schedule is so off and then wouldn't even know exactly how many calories I'd eaten. Finally I'm out of the power bars and pretty much else except for my soup, so I won't be *able* to eat anything outside of the normal schedule. I can't wait to get back to my "normal" eating.. that's pretty messed up, I guess. I'm terrified of xmas food and I don't know what I'm going to do. It's worse than thanksgiving because I have a large family that I have to see over the course of three or four days. Three or four days of food. God, I don't know how to eat a little without binging for all those days. I'm trying to figure out a plan.. it's so hard. Some part of me just wants to let go, other parts of me just want to hold onto the ED so tightly. GRRRRR.

And I wonder if anyone else feels like this.. I was at a party with my boyfriend two weeks ago and a friend I hadn't seen in a while made a comment in front of everyone that he thought I was too thin. And I was embarassed and annoyed, angry and secretly happy. I just wish that he hadn't said anything. And last night I saw another friend who was at that party and she said, "Oh, I just wanted to tell you, you look so good! You lost a lot of weight," like it was the greatest thing on earth. And that made me so mad too. Part of me really just wanted to say, "Yeah, well, I have an eating disorder. See, I starve myself for days at a time, and then on the weekends I binge until I'm sick. It's really great. I've lost ** lbs and it just feels so f***ing wonderful. So thanks for bringing it up." I just wish people could keep their comments about my weight (positive and negative) to themselves. Does anyone else feel like no matter what people could say, it's the wrong thing?

blackmamba · 12-19-2004, 11:55 PM

My roommate is exactly the same way. No matter what I or anyone else says to her, she is secretly happy or crushed depending on how it makes her feel about her eating. I know it is so hard, but no one should be able to make you feel better or worse about what you eat except for yourself. I am the same way...it took ME having a very tough moment of realization to realize that I am the only one who should impact my eating. I almost have to get angry with myself..."Why am I hurting myself...who is it for?" YOU...have the power and you can change yourself. You've seen for yourself how damaging you can be to yourself but also probably how much disipline you can have when it comes to eating. Don't be terrified of food...think about that? That is sad...I have gone through this too and you must learn to channel your amazing will-power (that you now use to hurt yourself) in a good way!!! You can take care of your body by learning to eat the right foods!!! Do you know that to lose weight the healthy way you actually have to eat more? Its great...the "right" foods of course...

Anyways....sorry I kind of went off on a random ramble myself, but when I read your post my heart ached...I remember this and I see it everyday in my friend...I have let go and you can too!

Here are some of my favorite mantras that helped me...corny...but they helped.

"No one can make you feel inferior without your own consent" E. Roosevelt

"Life is a banquet, and most poor suckers are starving to death" - unknown...

Don't starve youself...life is so much more than that...

Sorry for the ramble...I hope it helps...

novblis · 12-20-2004, 09:33 AM

Anterrabae-
Boy can I relate to you. No matter what anyone says about my weight I take it as an insult. I try to tell myself rationally that I am reading in to much about what he/she said, but it never really settles in my mind. I take, "You look so much better" as the queen of all insults. My response is, "What?..are they telling me I've gained weight?" Because my sick idea of "healthy" is obviously not there's. I don't even know that "healthy" looks like anymore. And whenever I hear someone say, "Are you eating okay? I hope you are cause I don't want you getting too thin again." I automatically applaud myself inside because I know someone is recognizing the trouble I've put myself through to get this way. Yet, I am mad at the thought that they even had the decency to say something like that in front of family and friends. Sometimes I just want to scream! I nodded my head when reading your post about what you'd really like to say to someone about starving ourselves and feeling so "****** wonderful about it!" It makes me happy and mad at the same time when people bring up my "food issue".

I understand about messing up our eating routines. I just moved and back where I used to live, I had it all straightened out-nibbling here and there before work...nothing at work, only a snack or two after 7 hours of work, and then bed. It was simple. I knew all the restaurants and what they had to offer if I was to go out. Here it's all different and I've had to adjust to what is around me. I have a new job, new hours, and havn't mastered the routine yet. I have a lot of free time at home by myself and that doesn't help when there is all this food preperation for the holidays. Like I said before in a previous post-the holidays aren't about food and it's hard not to focus on food entirely during the holdiays, but we cannot mask the importance of Christmas by our fear of food. We can do it, I know we can...

Hope it feels better knowing that someone else can relate

Take care,
Novblis

CapricornLove · 12-20-2004, 12:47 PM

I totally relate to everything your saying. Changing schedules really ruins everything. Like the holidays for example, everyones gonna expect you to eat and if you refuse they'll start up. And then parts of you doesn't want that kind of attention so you give in and you say ok I'll eat today because of the family. But then you end up regretting it. Feeling so guilty. I always feel like I gain 10 pounds even if I ate a small sandwich.

I just don't believe that eating alot of healthy foods helps you lose weight. I mean the less calories you eat the more you lose weight. And then I go to holiday parties and ppl say to me.. OMG you lost alot of weight! How'd you do it? Or I hear... your too skinny. But its like when I was a little heavier I would hear, if you don't watch yourself your gonna get fat. Make up your mind ppl!! If your even the slightest heavy they call you fat, when your thinner they call you skinny, and skeletons! All I can do is be me and when ppl bring up convos like that I try my hardest to change the subject. I always feel like telling them the truth too just to shock them. Thats the one I hate the most.. when they go, How did you lose the weight? I fear when ppl make it such an issue to talk about my weight cause I don't want them to find out. I don't understand, I don't do that to ppl, why do they do that to me? Gosh!
I'm glad you all understand...