tough day - Eating Disorder Recovery Message Board

Essex · 12-28-2004, 07:20 AM

this week has been tough. in the past six months i have finally started to eat like a normal person, though everyone else says i don't eat much at all. It's been tough. I had been anorexic and a compulsive exerciser. I was wearing a size 2/4 and loving it. I had been a bulemic for quite sometime and I was at heaviest, wearing a size 14/16, when my life had gotten me really down, somehow it flipped and turned into anorexia. I know i was miserable and in constant pain, but I felt like I looked great, regardless of what my friends told me then or now. Since I started to date my current boyfriend, I've had to cut back on the exercising and when we go out to a restaurant I allow myself to eat and try not to think about the consequences. But here I am, now a size 4/6. My smallest clothes no longer fit me and I feel like I am going to break down. I'm at work writing this, contemplating going home sick just so I can get out in the below freezing weather to go exercise for a few hours. I feel so huge and disgusting. My friend's and my boyfriend keep telling me how much better I look now. How things stuck out in wierd places before and how I was too small looking, how now I look healthy and I have "gentle curves" and breasts again. But I can't stand it. I'm fighting back the tears today. I feel like my life is going great in every except my body. I have a great job, a nice car, a nice condo, a loving boyfriend, and great friends. I should be soooo happy, but I'm not. I was sooo happy when I had all this and I was a size 2/4 and my waist was tiny and you could see my bones, i loved the way it felt when i would touch the boniest parts of my body, oh god how i want that back. It makes me sick to know I think like that, but it's the truth. I had wanted to get healthy and not be sick anymore, but now that I am living this semi normal life and I'm at a healthy weight, I just want to be sick again. How can I live like this???

LizzyBreath · 12-28-2004, 11:32 AM

Get rid of those SMALLER clothes! They will only remind you of your former self. You are doing Great, girl! Congratulations for keeping up your recovery! I dream, EVERY day, of being where you are right now. Normal meals are a BIG deal. Soft curves are beautiful and you sound like everything else has fallen into place for you. Don't give up! That's why we are here. To listen and encourage and be a sounding board. Try to focus on how you are feeling, vs. what you are goping to eat and when and how much....

I should take my own advise!!!!

Love to you, Love!

Lizzy

SammyT · 12-30-2004, 05:08 PM

wow...i'm going thru the same thing and i'm only 14. when i was younger i was a size 14-16 kids..(i was always a bigger girl), and then when i was 12 i went to size 14. I am 14 years old and i can now fit into size 10 kids! but, if i eat something "forbidden", i feel way bigger than the other girls...even tho i know i'm a rake compared to them..i just can't help it. i think its because they are so athletic and have a nice tone and muscle. i would too if i wasn't so damn stupid to put myself thru this. it's just the media and commercials about "how to lose weight" are really bothering me. the ykeep telling us to "excercise, excercise, excercise!!!" but...i can't exactly go for a jog everyday or do sittups then push ups. and if i did, ppl would think i'm over excercising. i mean, is it alrite just to lay back and watch tv for a few days? maybe go for a walk, but this whole christmas break i just stayed pitted in at home watchin movies, chatting on the computer with friends, and playin video games. I know obesity is at a high risk, but now i feel like i'm going to be GIGANTIC and everyone else are going to be so skinny! i mean, just sitting around everyday isnt good, but is it alrite once in awhile? media is always saying "stay active for an hour everyday!"..well, does dancing around the house and doing house work count? (haha, i'm a dancer, so i enjoy prancing around and doing twirls around the house...it makes my mom so crazy!:

...i just feel like i'm going to become ENORMOUS!! but i only weigh 93 lbs at a 5'1 height. i mean..arghh..i jus twant a body like beyonce knowles, or britney spears! :S....

Thanks for listening Ladies...(and gents!

)

girlygirl11 · 12-31-2004, 08:58 AM

You don't need to exercise everyday unless you are at a healthy weight or are trying to lose weight. The majority of the population do NOT exercise, though it's hard to believe that with everything and everyone constantly telling us to. Especially in recovery (like I hope you consider yourself to be) you should take it easy and not stress your body out with exercise. Walking a little is good- as long as you do it for the walk, or for the scenery, or for the company- NOT for the exercise. Doing things for fun- rather than exercise will help you to recover because it lets you see the good things in life and takes your mind off of the bad way of thinking.

By the way- I used to be like you too, wanting to look like the celebs we see so often. But think about this- even if you put on 10 lbs, you still would not look like Beyonce or Britney Spears- you would be WAY thinner than them. They have curves, which I know many people associate with being heavier, but it isn't! Both Britney and Beyonce are at healthy weights for their heights, if not higher than most! They look great all the time because they work out for a living! Their bodies in magazines are so over-airbrushed that they probably wouldn't recognize their own bodies if it had no head. Celebs are so praised and we all aspire to be like them- somewhere in our heads we miss the fact that we are skinnier them them by far, and therefore we look nothing like them. You say you want to look like them- gain weight! They are thin, yes, but they are not underweight. They do not look like they have problems eating. Think about that when you see them and wish you looked like them!!

SammyT · 12-31-2004, 09:46 AM

Gee! once again, your advice has made me a lot stronger!

Thanx!~