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Old 02-10-2005, 06:53 AM   #1
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Join Date: May 2002
Location: US
Posts: 299
zusanna HB User
Unhappy I tried to make myself throw up for the first time.....

Last Saturday I tried to make myself throw up for the first time. That is something I said I would NEVER do. I didn't succeed but the point is I actually tried....what was I thinking?? I felt so incredibly fat and felt like I had eaten way too much. I had gained a pound of water weight from eating too much sodium and I was just desperate to get rid of it. When I came out of the bathroom my b/f asked me if I was ok because he heard me gagging. I just told him I had some stuff in my throat I was trying to get up. I know I have a problem, but I just don't know where to put myself or what to consider myself. I wouldn't say I'm anorexic. I do eat and I eat 6 times a day. 3 meals and 3 snacks but only a total of around 1200-1400 calories. Always more on weekends though because we always go out to eat and I usually totally binge. But last weekend was the first time I tried to purge. I just felt like absolute crap after that. I know I would have felt alot worse if I actually would have succeeded. I'm underweight but not extremely. I'm 5 feet tall and 93-94 pounds. I weigh myself constantly. The number on the scale in the morning predicts my whole day. It's like I want to see that number go down more and more even though I know I'm only hurting myself. I'm so afraid of gaining weight and when I do gain a pound I completely freak out. I stand in front of my mirror naked everyday and pick out the areas of my body I don't like and need to work harder on. There is always several it seems like but of course to everyone else I'm so tiny and thin. One of the areas I hate the most is my inner thighs. I not only limit calories and fat but sodium too because I retain water so easily which is probably more than likely from not getting enough calories. I know what I have to do to be healthy but my fear of gaining weight is so intense that it keeps me from doing those things. I just want to be healthy, normal. I used to eat whatever I wanted, whenever I wanted and never gained an ounce. I weighed 110 pounds before I had my daughter (who is 7 months now) and I never counted calories or cared about my weight. I would eat double cheeseburgers, supersize fries, half of a large pizza, and so much more and never gained. My fear of weight gain started during my pregnancy. I only gained 15 pounds during my pregnancy. I went up to 125. I immediately lost that after having her and went back down to 110 then I wanted to get down to 105 so I did, then 100, so I did, I wanted to stop there but since I've lost 6-7 pounds more and I know I'll continue to if I keep it up. I just wish I could enjoy eating like I used to and just not worry. I know I would definently gain now though because my metabolism is lower from cutting calories and after having a baby. That's one reason I'm afraid to increase calories. I really don't want to gain weight, but I don't want to lose anymore. I want to maintain my weight and be able to eat normally. I actually envy people that don't care what they eat now. Even people that's a bit overweight, they are just so much happier. I exercise 4-5 times a week, sometimes 6 when I get time. But only for 30 minutes at a time, I do pilates. So I don't over exercise. I'm on zoloft for anxiety/depression. I've had problems with anxiety/depression for quite awhile. Through most of my teen years. I'll be 20 in a few weeks. I'm a complete perfectionist. I also have OCD. Everything in our apartment has to be clean and in perfect order. I just feel everything has to be perfect which I know is impossible because nobody's life is perfect and it just puts an extreme amount of stress on me which is where my anxiety comes from. I'm also a full time college student in my first semester of the associate degree nursing program. And again...I'm a perfectionist when it comes to school. I feel like I have to get straight A's and maintain my 4.0. I study ALOT. I guess there is nothing wrong with that but I just need to accept the fact that everything can't be perfect and my life is so far from it that I don't know why I even think things should be perfect. Can anyone relate to my situation? I'm just so tired of all of this. I just want to be normal again...is that too much to ask??? Do you think I'm really anorexic or just somewhere in between? Please I just need some replies. I'm just really down today.

 
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Old 02-10-2005, 07:20 AM   #2
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Join Date: Jul 2004
Location: England
Posts: 313
juicy*lucy HB User
Re: I tried to make myself throw up for the first time.....

Hi Piscean

I haven't seen you around on this board before, so first of all I'll say welcome! I hope you find the support you're looking for here.

I can only partly relate to your situation; I have had anorexia since I was 11 and I am now 20, so we're about the same age. I am also a perfectionist, and along with expecting everything in my life to be perfect (which of course it never will be) I expect myself to be perfect. This is dangerous when you also have an eating disorder, because the two ideas really don't go well together as you're probably finding out. I can't diagnose, but from what you've said it sounds as though you may well have anorexia. The thing is you recognise what you're doing and (hopefully) that what you're doing is dangerous. I would strongly recommend going to see a counsellor about what you're going through because it isn't something you can deal with by yourself, especially when you had a young daughter and you're studying as well. Getting out of what you're getting into as soon as you can is the best advice I can give you. Eating disorders are not glamourous, they wreck your life. Please seek help before it goes any further.

Do let us know how you're getting on, and do think about getting some help with this.

Take care,
J*L xxx

 
Old 02-10-2005, 03:27 PM   #3
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Join Date: Dec 2004
Location: SK, Canada
Posts: 1,232
SammyT HB User
Re: I tried to make myself throw up for the first time.....

hey piscean! yeh, im on here 24/7 and i never seen u around, so once again, WelCome!!! i can totally realte with the whole weighing, looking at urself in the mirror, weight frantic part totally!! i remeber the first time i made myself purge. i was 9. but my bulimia started when i was 12 and i am now 14. it really sux. its not worth it. just rememeber that u are beautiful and i see u have a family which i am shure is the ebst thing ever 2 u! dont let it go to waste! trust me! i have a while yet, im only in grade 9, but whoowy its gonna be a batle!

just love urself for who u r!
x0x0xSammY

 
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