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Old 03-01-2005, 12:54 AM   #1
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Join Date: Dec 2004
Location: PA
Posts: 200
cryingskies HB User
Unhappy Always falling back

Hi...
I dont really know what to say right now. Sometimes things are just so hectic, you dont have time to take a minute to look at the stars. . . Or even want to. I used to always take time to go outside and lay down on the grass and look up at the stars....just relax....think of my hopes, my dreams and my wishes...think about my best friend who is no longer with me....think about everything important to me. Now everything is so crazy, be here or be there and work all the time....I bearly have time to spend with my nephew, i just saw him for the first time in over a month. I just want to slow down, take some time for me. I dont have any friends anymore...it sucks, i never go out. My best friend is moving home in a few weeks and then ill have someone around. ..thank god. I have been trying so hard to get thru this ED I've been fighting so hard. When I look in the mirror all I see is disgust....it makes me sick to see what i have become, its disgusting, I swear....im so tiny and u see all the bones in my face and ribs and i mean, thats what made me say ive gotta fight because im killing myself, i see it with my eyes now....and its like the harder i try the thinner i become, i eat now at least one time i day i eat, and thats way more than ive ate in a day for a long time, and it makes me feel so sick and awful but i fight it and i try to be faithful, and its like im losing more weight and im eating more than i have in a very long time. i dont understand, when i try to go forward im always stumbling backwards....
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peace and love
Chrissy

 
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Old 03-01-2005, 03:48 PM   #2
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Join Date: Dec 2004
Location: SK, Canada
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SammyT HB User
Re: Always falling back

O chris, im so sorry ur havign a hard time rite now...we all do have our days. keep ur head up girl! i mean, ur trying SO hard, and if u give up now it will all go to waste! Be strong and ull succeed to nething!

please, take care!

SammYx0x0

 
Old 03-01-2005, 08:31 PM   #3
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Join Date: Dec 2004
Posts: 138
lovelydaze HB User
Re: Always falling back

I know how things get. There's so much going on in my life right now. It just seems like too much. I want time for myself, just every so often, but it never happens. If it does happen, it's only because I skip school which ultimately puts me even further behind. So it sux anyway. Like you miss your nephew, I feel like I am neglecting my 7 month old godson. I feel terrible, and I miss him so much. I never go out anymore either. When I do have a night off of work, I just want to be alone with my eating disorder. Alone, completely, as in by myself in my room, door closed all night. As for eating, I tried eating a salad a day for awhile. I can't do that anymore. It's too much. I constantly think about how many calories are in it. Then it's not like it matters anyway because I head to the gym and burn it all off and more. *sigh* I don't know anymore.

 
Old 03-04-2005, 08:52 PM   #4
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Join Date: Dec 2004
Location: PA
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cryingskies HB User
Re: Always falling back

Thanks guys...I appreciate it. It sucks....I finally had a day off work today, I went and spent the whole day with my nephew...instead of him going to the sitters i kept him... which has also made me feel so horrible because he is so sick, i have to give him breathing treatments and he hated it, he'd just cry and cry....But I could make him laugh again. He is my everything. I dont know, he gives me strength, because its like, I have to get my life together, and I have to get myself together, because I have to be there for him. I am his only aunt...he's got 3 uncles, but I'm the only aunt....I have 4 brothers....and he's my oldest brothers baby....and he's only 3 months old, and I have to be around to see him grow, and walk, and talk, and grow into a wonderful man.... I just I dont know, I feel worthless....No one cares about me, and I hate it. I just feel like I'm not even worth it...like there is no reason to even try...there are rooms in my house that i cant even go in....there are times that i cannot even climb onto a bed....I just sleep on the couch....i have nitemares about the **** that this guy put me thru....he's ruined my life by what he did to me....and then the one person i could talk to the one person who knew and i confided in....my best friend is gone.... i mean it is so hard to get up everyday and know that everyone can call their best friend and laugh and tell them about their day, when **** goes wrong they can call their best friend and they can confide in them, tell them about what happened and they can always help you thru it....everyone can smile with their best friend.....how am i supposed to make it thru each day for the rest of my life when i can't smile with mine....and he cant help me thru **** that i need help with....when i cant cry on his shoulder, or laugh with him....when I cant even see his face. Do you have any idea what i would do for one more minute with him. I would do anything if I could only have a minute....its not fair...I just wanna break down, i just want to cry -- but i am supposed to be the strong one... I'm supposed to be the one who doesnt cry, the one who is always there forr everyone else....but i need someone too....i am not made of stone, altho i try. the nite my best friend died. the thing i remember most, is when my other friend came upstairs and knealt down beside the bed, she said...hes dead...and i said no he isnt he'll be back, he's just mad, and she was like no, listen to me he's dead, and i said no no no he's coming back, i promise hes coming back, he'll be back, and she held my head in her hands and she said chrissy the cops are here he is dead....and I just stood up and walked downstairs, and they were there, and my ex was standing at the front door just sobbing, and he could bearly breathe he was just crying so hard....and the girl the came up and told me just hit her knees right there on the floor right by the front door and she just started screaming, so FU**in stupid....over and over and over again like a broken record....and there i stood, in the middle of both of them, and i was just in shock, i couldnt say anything, i couldnt cry, i couldnt even move....what do you do when someone says your best friend is dead...and its all ur fault....I mean what do you do??!?!? I mean i can never forgive myself for that, ever, I mean if I had got the keys out of the car, I had the chance....Dianna said, let me get my keys...and I told her, i said no ur car isnt going anywhere just walk, i just wanted her n my best friend to quit fighting, i wanted them to calm down because they always fought it always happened like that, we were used to it and we knew how to fix it, just seperate them, and they would both calm down, because it was because they were always drunk and just got stupid....and i just wanted her to walk across the road with me and calm down, i thought my ex had my best friend on the porch, and i told her the car wasnt going anywhere and as soon as the words were out of my mouth there he was n the car, and he took off and never came back, and all i had to do was get those damn keys.... i mean god how hard was that it would have taken two seconds, and now it will take the rest of my life to spend trying to be able to deal with this... He hated to live, he hated the pain....the same pain i feel....he'd been thru what i had....he felt the same pain...he understood....he was the only one who knew...and now im just left alone with all these problems and the loss of him, and i need help....im ready to just give up...i mean i was doing so good with this whole ed i was eating i was really trying, but i mean its so hard....its so hard to try when the one person that was you sun, moon and stars in the sky, when the one dimple on his cheek would show and he'd smile it made the whole sky shine, he could make me laugh when everysingle thing was going wrong, he'd call me just to say how are you....not for any other reason but to make sure I was doing okay. and if I wasnt he'd be at my door to take me for a ride to talk and to try to help me out, and if I didnt want to talk, he'd just hold me, and i could feel okay just knowing that he loved me and he'd care....he was the one guy that would kiss my forehead...the one who'd hold my hand....the one who'd hold me up on the nites i couldnt stand....he was the one...i know he was...the one i was going to marry the one I was going to spend the rest of my life with....after his first bad wreck he told everyone that his girlfriend at the time (who was my best friend) wasn't allowed to be at the hospital, that he loved me, and always had and always would and he only wanted me to be there, that when he opened his eyes he wanted to be staring at me....and when i went and saw him the first day he woke up from acoma (he had two bad wrecks, he died two times n the first one, woke up from acoma on the level of a 3 year old, he didnt remember anything, I sat by his side when he had tubes coming out of everywhere and he was in acoma and they told us that he wouldnt live....he was grayish brown, he was dying, his liver was shut down and they didnt think he could come back, and they said if he did he'd never live a normal life he would have irreversible brain damage) i didnt know what to expect when i walked thru that hospital door the first day he woke up, but when me and his girlfriend at the time walked in, she went n first it was like he didnt even see her, his face lit up and he said chrissy ***** I've been waiting for you...HOW ARE YOU DOING and i was like im not worried about me im worried about you, he said i broke my leg...and i said i know u did, and he said yeah i fell down the steps...he was so messed up they told him like ten times already that he wrecked his truck, but he was just lost, but he knew everything about me, everything we ever did together, all the talks, all the times we layed under the stars, and he moved over and made me lay with him in bed.... I dont know...he was my everything...I really mean that...when people say that they live for someone... I lived for him, and he lived for me....I guess I wasnt good enough, because he left me....he left me to be alone forever...I dont even know what to do... I was doing so good with my ED and its like I have nothing to give anymore, i dont have the strength to fight to do it....today I havent ate anything, and i just cant help it. its like now i just feel so horrible about myself i dont even want to do it....i dont even want to gain weight, idont want to get fat, and i dont want to lose control, i have no control over anything else
__________________
peace and love
Chrissy

 
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