tired and angry

Hey guys,

Sammy ur always there for everyone! Thanks guys. Yes it was awkward at first. I dunno I guess it was just a bit sereal coz i never thought in a billion yrs that id ever end up in counselling..hmm.. Neway, im glad I went coz nxt week were gonna discuss how im gonna get through this summer back at home n what im goin to say to my parents but i felt v different comin out of there than i felt comin out of the doctor's.

I found it so much easier talkin to my doctor than my counsellor but then i think its because i wrote everythin down for my doctor n then she read my food diary two weeks later so she could kinda get inside my mind before I had to speak to her.

With the counsellor I found it really quite difficult to come across right. It wasnt like I was inconfortable talkin to her but she asked me some questions that required me talkin about things that I like to deny is part of me or ever happened- like bullying at school...i h8 that word, its kinda overused sometimes i think- if that makes sense. n she asked me how exactly do i make myself sick n i just cudnt answer, like not even a word. It was ok coz she sort of said it for me but I was just annoyed with myself wen i came out becoz i didnt feel like i explained the whole thing accurately. My doctor knows everything n i mean everything but the counsellor didnt seem to get the whole background behind my situation the same. I dont kno ... i just didnt explain v well.

It was worth goin to though. Maybe I cud just think more b4 my nxt appointment. I havnt done any work today n my exams r in under 2 weeks. I dont kno what to do. I just cant deal with this. Its like I dont kno who I am anymore. I used to b able to deal with anythin, or at least I thought so. There is just too much goin on- counsellors, doctors, exams, tellin my parents or not, sortin out student loan forms, sortin out arrangments for my hair 4 our ball coz i have 2 exams each 3 hrs long that day, pickin options for finals, finding a job 4 summer, arranging movin all my stuff out of my room at the end of term, sortin where im livin nxt yr (currently down 4 livin in a box room with no desk with no hope of a different room in college-sounds like nothin i kno but i need a lot of space for all my books n my laptop etc). I kno these all sound like small things but thats what i mean- i never used to get so stressed but im properly panicking...i cant do all this!!!!!!! My friends are brill but now im scared of becoming a burden on them. I dont feel as though they see the real me anymore. I cant be fun to be around. I h8 myself at the moment- really really h8 myself. I look at other people in college n i wish i cud b like them. I never used to think that- i had the most perfect life. ALthough apparently thats the problem- im a perfectionist with low self esteem! Argh!!! i dunno wether to go n talk to my tutors again but i dont wanna pester them or cause trouble. Its like there are all these people who have done loads ot help me but i still feel totally alone.

Im really sorry for ranting. I just need to get this all off my chest coz im goin insane.

Anyway gud luk Liza with the counselling. It is worth it. Im glad I went. We basically started with the present n what im like now n then looked back. I am probably used to startin at the beginning but never mind. lol.

Suzanne
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