So tired of this awful cycle... - Eating Disorder Recovery Message Board

snuggle377 · 05-31-2005, 11:39 AM

Hi guys. I've been visiting this board for some time now, but have never posted.

I don't know how this whole ED this started, but it began back in November of last year when I suffered an ankle injury and couldn't run my usual 3-4 miles a day. So, I started cutting back on food. After a couple of weeks, I was able to get back on the treadmill, but only to walk. I continued to restrict food and that's when the anorexia kicked in and actually lost a lot of weight. Well, the anorexia quickly turned into bulimia and since then I've been bingeing and purging.

The bottom line is, that I'm sick of this. I had been pretty good about the bingeing and purging, but today for some reason, has just been awful. I've eaten everything under the sun and now the guilt has set in. I'm at work right now and all I want to do is go hide and cry.

The purging is starting to catch up to me because it's now affecting my heart. I'm really scared and just need some support. I'm seeing a therapist, but as hard as I try, I'm good for a couple of days and then the whole freaking cycle of bingeing and purging starts again. I don't know what else to try to suppress the urge to binge.

I know this is long and I thank those of you for reading it all. Just needed to vent I guess. I just hope that ONE day we can all overcome this horrible disorder.

liza2 · 05-31-2005, 06:26 PM

Welcome to the boards!
Like most of the people on here, I can totally relate. It is a VICIOUS cycle and makes you feel horrible. I will wake up and be like, ok today is the day i eat normal, breakfeast lunch and dinner. But something will happen like at breakfeast i feel as though i ate too much, so then i dont eat the rest of the day. Or lunch i start out good, and then binge, then purge, then not eat regular meals the rest of the week. I know the onlly way to stop this is going to a counselor or something but there are none at my college, I have no money for one, i am a full time student and a full time worker so it gets hard. I knwo those are all excuses which is why i am going to try and find one, im just a little scared. I hope you are doing ok and keep us posted, i have found these boards to be really helpful so i hope u will too!
liza

firewtr38 · 05-31-2005, 07:40 PM

Hi there
I can totally relate too! God the cycle is vicious. I am a restricter. I do that same thing where I eat regularly and then if I feel I've eaten too much then I cut back on the next meal, and the next...and the next. You know how it goes.
I have to say I'm starting to get a little more comfortable with eating. But I did start running about 3 months ago. I feel a lot better about eating since then. I know that part of it is that I can burn off calories with running but my therapist is really supportive of it. I'm trying really hard to make it a "lifestyle change" instead of a way to fuel my ED. It's kind of working but the brain is a horrible thing sometimes and can really defeat us.
Well anyway, enough of my rambling. Welcome and keep posting. The support is really helpful when you're struggling. I am totally with you during this struggle. I think we all are.

Lauren

snuggle377 · 06-01-2005, 05:03 AM

Thanks for the welcome and the support guys! It's SO appreciated. When I got home from work, my husband could tell right away that something was wrong. He gave me a hug and I just burst into tears. He tries really hard to understand, but unless you've dealt with an ED yourself, it's hard to relate.

I think he's finally realizing that yes, I know I CHOOSE to binge and purge, but it's more than that. It's like this strong urge that I can sometimes overcome, but other days my willpower just isn't there. I felt very ashamed about how much I ate yesterday, but today is a new day and what's done is done. I just hope I can be strong to push through the next urge to binge.

Thanks again for the support...this board is wonderful because of it!