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Old 07-06-2005, 06:51 PM   #1
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Join Date: Jun 2004
Location: Bristol, Connecticut
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firewtr38 HB User
Unhappy I'm really struggling

Hi ladies
I need some help. I'm feeling really crappy today. I'm hoping it's just a bad day but I'm scared. I've been in "recovery" for a few months now. And thats been good but I just feel like it's all a hoax on myself. Like I'm fooling myself into thinking I'm fine. I still think about food ALL the time, I still eat INCREDIBLY healthy and god help me if I eat anything that's not good for me. I still have all the guilt feelings and quirky behaviors. And I have been exercising a lot. Running 5 miles a day, doing 400-500 situps every day, and lifting weights for my upper body every other day. I feel like my whole life is still all about food and now exercise. I'm feeling really anxious because I don't know what to think, feel or do right now.
I enjoy running but I guess I don't know how to keep it balanced. I'm not losing weight (which I guess is a good thing) but my brain is preoccupied with it all the time.
I realized this weekend that I also really don't know how to have fun anymore. I haven't done much of anything lately besides exercising, doing errands, working, watching TV and playing board games with my girlfriend. I guess I do more on the weekends but I feel like it's not good enough. Like my whole world still revolves around food. I just feel like I can't get myself out of the grip of my ED. I try so hard! As all of you do also! Why can't it just be a little easier sometimes?
I'm SO bad at articulating my feelings too. I saw my therapist yesterday, do you think I had ANY of this on my mind then?? Of course not!! So I sat in her office for 50 minutes and talked about nothing even remotely close to this stuff. And even as I try to write it down it doesn't make sense enough to be clear in what I want to say to her. I just feel stuck, scared and wanting some help. I think my therapist is wonderful and I want to tell her everything. But I'm just so scared and I don't even really know what it is I want to tell her. I'm just so confused and feeling like I'm getting nowhere.
God this might not even make much sense to you all. But if you've gotten to this point that means you read it. And I appreciate that.

Thanks for listening
Lauren

 
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Old 07-06-2005, 07:04 PM   #2
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Join Date: Jul 2005
Location: Utah
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maggie043 HB User
Re: I'm really struggling

Lauren
I could feel your heart in your post. I'm sorry for your pain. I often have those same problems you talk about when I see my therapist, its like the words are in my head but ED jumbles them up and I feel paralyzed. I wonder about recovery too - what does that mean anyway! I too have been eating but my insides especially the ED thoughts in my head are the same nothing has changed so then I get very confused. I feel like I am foggy most of the time. It almost like if you are eating then treatment teams believe you are most certainly on your way even though we feel the same and almost more scared then ever because the coping of starving or puking is taken away and we are left with what? I am sending you positive regards I wish I could be more help...take care

 
Old 07-06-2005, 08:32 PM   #3
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Join Date: Dec 2004
Location: SK, Canada
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SammyT HB User
Re: I'm really struggling

Aaw Lauren. we're with yah . sorry to hear ur having a ruff time lately. i can relate with the whole obsessive mind with food and excercise. its a pain. i missed 2 workouts and man am i stressin, but i have been really tired lately and my sisters are down and i HATE excerising in front of ppl and i have such a small house the living room is the only place to do it. please take care..

 
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