| | I'm really struggling
I need some help. I'm feeling really crappy today. I'm hoping it's just a bad day but I'm scared. I've been in "recovery" for a few months now. And thats been good but I just feel like it's all a hoax on myself. Like I'm fooling myself into thinking I'm fine. I still think about food ALL the time, I still eat INCREDIBLY healthy and god help me if I eat anything that's not good for me. I still have all the guilt feelings and quirky behaviors. And I have been exercising a lot. Running 5 miles a day, doing 400-500 situps every day, and lifting weights for my upper body every other day. I feel like my whole life is still all about food and now exercise. I'm feeling really anxious because I don't know what to think, feel or do right now.
I enjoy running but I guess I don't know how to keep it balanced. I'm not losing weight (which I guess is a good thing) but my brain is preoccupied with it all the time.
I realized this weekend that I also really don't know how to have fun anymore. I haven't done much of anything lately besides exercising, doing errands, working, watching TV and playing board games with my girlfriend. I guess I do more on the weekends but I feel like it's not good enough. Like my whole world still revolves around food. I just feel like I can't get myself out of the grip of my ED. I try so hard! As all of you do also! Why can't it just be a little easier sometimes?
I'm SO bad at articulating my feelings too. I saw my therapist yesterday, do you think I had ANY of this on my mind then?? Of course not!! So I sat in her office for 50 minutes and talked about nothing even remotely close to this stuff. And even as I try to write it down it doesn't make sense enough to be clear in what I want to say to her. I just feel stuck, scared and wanting some help. I think my therapist is wonderful and I want to tell her everything. But I'm just so scared and I don't even really know what it is I want to tell her. I'm just so confused and feeling like I'm getting nowhere.
God this might not even make much sense to you all. But if you've gotten to this point that means you read it. And I appreciate that.
Thanks for listening