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Old 07-18-2005, 09:56 PM   #1
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Join Date: Dec 2004
Location: PA
Posts: 200
cryingskies HB User
the courage always does come...

I've been faced with some pretty hard days over the past week and the beginning of this week. And most of the time I rely on myself completely and will not turn to anyone else not even for a little bit of help. I always feel like i am a burden to anyone that I talk to about my problems. I always feel like im the one who is supposed to help everyone else, and that no one is supposed to help me. Well I dont know why, ive been trying to figure it out tonite since I've got home, but I dont know why but I called my brothers girlfriend this afternoon, whom im very close with. I called her about 6 and asked her what she was doing, her mom owns a pizza shop so she was in helping her mom clean up and then she was going home ot get a shower, so she told me to call her back in about an hour and I did and she asked me what I needed and I asked her if I could drive in town to her house to talk to her about some things and she said of course, which i knew she would but I still had to ask her. and it took me about another hour just to finally pull myself together to go in there and she had to run into the pizza shop to help her mom close so I rode there with her and I actually ate a hot fudge sundae!! I was proud of myself, but disappointed at myseelf at the same time because Yeah I did eat something, which is better than what i normally eat, nothing. But it wasnt healthy and I havent eaten in two days, and I know i need to i know I look horrible.and after we got the shop all closed down and clean we went back to her house so we could talk and we sat and talked for 3 hours and as bad as i felt the whole time I feel a lot better now. I still feel bad, but much better than I have. I had talked to some people before about how I couldnt cry, well I cried tonite and I cried a lot, for almost the whole three hours I was talking to D. i talked to her about my ED. She already knew I was anorexic, everyone does, just by the way I look. but we've breifly talked about it before, not in detail, but just enough for me to answer yes when she asked me if I was anorexic, and well her and I being very close, she is one of my best friends i couldnt lie to her, thats one thing I am not....a liar, and I dont get along well with liars either. but we sat tonite and talked a lot about my ED about how I know I look bad, she told me that she didnt want me to say that I looked bad, because she said its going to make me hate myself more than i already do and I'm just going to not want to eat that much more. I can't believe I actually sat there and told her exactly how I felt. I havent done that with the three things I talked to her about with anyone else ever. we even talked about going to the doctors and going to a psychologist or therapist, and she agreed with me when I told her I couldnt do it, because if you would know me very well you would know how I am with issues. i will not talk to anyone, Almost all of my friends and I have never once spoken about anything that upsets me or that I struggle with because no matter what i will always say im good, or im fine or its okay i will never give in and say im hurting or i need help, its like in my mind that is me showing weakness, i even told D that too. And I went to a psych. before and I would not talk to her. I have a hard enough time trying to open up to people that I've known for over half of my life and I can't do it....so I dont know how I could be expected to talk to a stranger about my life. I'm so much of a closed person I just cant do it. It took me almost an hour just to start talking to D about the things I called and asked her if I could go talk to her over. But she was patient and very loving and kind with me like she always is, like a sister i never had. and im sure she'll marry my brother so she will be my sister n law....she told me that she was worried about me all the time, she said that I always have big circles under my eyes because I dont get enough sleep, she said that even tho I try to cover it up with makeup that they can still be seen. even my eye lids like a complete circle the whole way around my eyes are always really dark, so I always wear dark eye makeup and it covers up the tops of the circles, but i just cant get the bottoms covered up. and she told me that even tho I try to hid it she knows that all of my bones show, my ribs, and hips and spine, she took the bracelet off of my right wrist that i always wear, its just a metal bracelet that hooks and i could cut it down to the perfect size,and it would only go almost halfway around her arm, and i know it would fit my 4 year old nephew. and that is sad. I just sat and cried after a little bit. I finally got it together and I had never spoken to anyone about me being abused sexually when I was a freshman, I wrote a letter to my ex boyfriend when i was with him, we had been together for two years and i have problems n the relationships because of it, esp close intimate probs and sexual probs and i felt he had a right to know why things were the way they were with me and he wanted to ask a lot of questions to me after he read the letter and i told him a few things and told him that i didnt want to talk about it that it was just too damn hard and i wasnt ready yet. Well when my best friend was crying to me before he died almost two years ago about when he was sexually abused as a little boy and i said i understand he started yelling and screaming at me saying that i couldnt understand because id never been there, and I told him that it happened to me to, but I wouldnt go into talkking about it, but he knew I would never say i understand unless ive been there and I do, and he knew i never talked to anyone about it before so he didnt think I had been there. But I talked to D about it tonite. I couldnt believe that I did, I never planned to but she got it out of me, she asked me why I hated myself, because I told her i did and I said because when I was a freshman a lot of really bad stuff happened to me and it made me hate myself, and she sat there a minute and she said what bad stuff? and I made her promise to keep it between the two of us because I dont want it to get out and to the open where i have to talk to everyone about it, I'm notready yet, i just finally spoke about it for the first time ever so its a small step, but its a step. I cried so hard and i tried so damn hard to fight the tears back I even bit my lip. I always do that when i try not to cry, and i bit my lip so hard I left teeth marks there, that r still there almost 3 hrs after the fact. I cried and cried, I hate to cry, but it has made me feel a lot better, to get it off my chest. and get some help with it. Get some support and encouragement and love from someone close to me that i love. She hugged me and told me that she felt horrible about it, that no one deserves it, especially not me and that i cant keep thinkingg that it was my fault. Because she said I'm doing the same thing with being abused as I do with losing my best friend, she said I'm taking it all on me like I asked to be abused or like I told andy to get in the car and go for a ride after being completely trashed. I dont know. I still feel like I wish I could just jumo in a little time machine and go back and fix every bad thing in my life so that whenever I would get to this point in my life when im twenty. I would be happy, anorexic free - that i never had it ever-, I would havev not been abused, my father and I would be close, I would have no lost my best friend that night, Id save his life........its like one of my favorite poems.....by Robert Frost....."Birches" this is my favorite line n the poem........
"I'd like to get away from earth awhile
And then come back to it and begin over."

But yet, wouldn't we all if we could fix this part.....thanks for letting me unload what ive been thinking and whats been going on. Sometimes I just have to get things out and I guess this is one of those nights. I've got to work and i havent had but a few hours sleep a nite this week, and im just emotionally drained, and physically drained, just exhausted. Please keep me in your prayers, I'm in a little tough time right now. Keep your head up always and never get down on urself. You are everyone of you beautiful in your own unique way
__________________
peace and love
Chrissy

 
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Old 07-19-2005, 12:08 AM   #2
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Join Date: Mar 2005
Posts: 26
zeroprophecy9 HB User
Re: the courage always does come...

Thank You for your truly touching post. I am so sincerely glad that you were able to open up and just surrender to D and to us all here and let all the baggage be unloaded. I think it's great that you have D around to talk to. Keep her close. Keep your head up as well; not only does the courage always come, but the true hope of recovery does as well. Take care.

Morg

 
Old 07-19-2005, 01:40 AM   #3
Junior Member
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Join Date: Mar 2005
Posts: 41
cricket_22 HB User
Re: the courage always does come...

It sounds like you have been through a lot in your life, and you are now at a point that you are ready to confront it all. To put it all in the past. It seems like D is a wonderful person for you to turn to!

This ED you carry with you might be something you carry along with all of your hard memories. Kind of like a package deal. But think, once you have conquered your ED (which you and I both know is far easier said than done), you can also free yourself of your past and make way for new, and happier memories. It is definately something to look forward to! A future without guilt, bad memories, and your ED...and it sure sounds like you are taking the right steps! Good for you! You sound like an amazing girl. I wish you nothing but the best of luck and you derserve that sundae you had!!

You know you can open up here and unload anytime!

 
Old 07-19-2005, 06:56 PM   #4
Senior Member
(female)
 
Join Date: Dec 2004
Location: PA
Posts: 200
cryingskies HB User
Re: the courage always does come...

Thank you both, this truly is an amazing place to be. Whoever started this site has saved a lot of lives, i'm sure of that and they should be be proud of themselves for doing it. Because when I found this site back in february I was at like 94 pounds, my lowest weight ever, and I was passing out all the time, I was on a flying on an amtrack headed straight to death. I'm still headed toward death, but in a much slower train. But im trying to turn it around. I have to say batteling this disorder has been the very hardest thing I've ever done in my life. Especially because sometimes I'm fighting it with everything I have, and other times i let myself just run wild with it. Its like an every going, ever so strong battle inside of me. Its crazy to have yourself batteling with urself at all times. I just went to the dr on friday to have blood work done and back again on monday to have other blood work done, because my heart has been beating 118 times per minute when im just sitting doing nothing, its still beating around 100 times per minute and its driving me crazy. I had an ekg done and all kinds of bloodwork you know and They called me today and told me that everything came back okay. My mom told me that she thinks its my nerves and that they should put me on some nerve pill to help me out. and I dont disagree because I shake all the time very bad, and its like I shake like my grandma does, and she shakes bad, and if i shake this bad when im 20, im going to shake like a million times worse when I get to her age, grandma even tells me I need to go and do something about me shaking so I dont get that bad. My friend D is wonderful. When I talked to her last nite, she sat on the couch beside me and we were both sitting with both our legs on the couch facing each other and she never took her eyes off of me, she didnt turn her head to look at the tv or get up and walk away, or even mess with her two dogs that shes always picking up and holdin and petting and stuff, when they would jump up she would just point to the ground and snap but she wouldnt even take her eyes off of me, always looking in my eyes, it made me feel so good, to know that she didn't just hear me, she was listening, really lisnteing to me. And we text each other thru the day while we're workin, on our phones.....I work at a shoe store, and she works at her moms pizza shop and I had left something out last nite when I talked to her, I just couldnt tell her, it was too hard it hurt too much, and thats why I wrote her the letter, and she texted me and wanted me to tell her who did it to me. and i cant tell her because she does know the person that did it to me, and i know she would instantly hate him and he is a big part of her life. It makes me feel bad, but I just tell her its too hard for me to bring his name up. I just feel pretty bad about myself right now. I umm i think I'm going to drive in town and go for a walk........I live in the country and I get scared when I go for a walk at night because there are bears around and snakes and i dont want to get hurt, so I drive the 15 minutes to town and just walk around in there for a little bit to try to get my energy out and to get my frustrations out.....please keep your head up, and smile. There is always a rainbow after the storm.....
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peace and love
Chrissy

 
Old 07-19-2005, 07:05 PM   #5
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Join Date: Jul 2005
Location: Utah
Posts: 373
maggie043 HB User
Re: the courage always does come...

thanks for sharing your post with us - I feel priviledged that you would feel safe enough to share your pain with all of us. We all love you and care about you, you are very courageous....

 
Old 07-20-2005, 07:12 AM   #6
Senior Member
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Join Date: Dec 2004
Location: PA
Posts: 200
cryingskies HB User
Re: the courage always does come...

thank you so much. I really appreciate it. I'm just so tired, worn completely out, and im so tired of holding everything in, its like I am ready to explode, I have to change something. I'm finally to my breaking point with all of this, and Ive just got to do something because if I dont its going to kill me. I think that when i get scared it gives me motivation, So I hope I stay scared. I actually ate breakfast today, I never eat breakfast because when I was young I ate breakfast with my grandfather everyday I quit eating it when I was 7 because when I went over to have breakfast with pop after my parents went to work, me and my bro would go and then pop would send us to school, and he had a massive stroke in front of us, and we never got to eat breakfast, and he died, the stoke killed him, and ever since that day i would not eat breakfast, the memories were just too much to bare.....but i guess ive decided its timmne to face my demons....and i ate breakfast today, I guess im on the right track......hopefully I can eat lunch and dinner today too.....it will be the first time that I've ate all 3 meals, kept them down, in YEARS. So please wish me luck~! Maggie, I'm glad you decided to come back. And it means a lot to me that you would reply. And for you to say im courageous, that means so much to me. I hope that you're doing okay? Keep your head up dear. I hope that work goes wonderful for you, and for me me lol. I had so much work to do yesterday I didnt even get to take my lunch break until like 4 oclock....so I hope I dont have so much work today. But I will be going to get ready now. I keep u all in my prayers, remember whatever it is you want or need is only am arms length away....all you have to do is reach...keep your head up
__________________
peace and love
Chrissy

 
Old 07-20-2005, 07:19 AM   #7
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Join Date: Jun 2005
Posts: 70
Jonistyle1 HB User
Re: the courage always does come...

i don't know what else to say except that you are very brave and strong. it comes through in your posts . . . you've got a big heart and a strong mind and i know you'll be able to beat this. i'm sorry things are so hard for you right now, but I can't express how much respect i have for you because you are able to get up and face each day and make it through. it seems so daunting and impossible, but just keep trying and keep going. sometimes there's little else you can do. i feel like you'll start to come out of this soon. just believe in yourself, and stay open with D, it sounds like she's a wonderful friend and i'm glad you can confide in her. best of luck and stay strong. you can do this.

 
Old 07-22-2005, 12:23 PM   #8
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Join Date: Dec 2004
Location: SK, Canada
Posts: 1,232
SammyT HB User
Re: the courage always does come...

o cryingskies, i just wanted to tell u im back from the lake FORSHURE now so we can keep in better touch! i agree with every1 here. u are one of the bravest ansd strongest gals around...uve been thru alot but yet u still stay strong and humble.

 
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