Do you ever feel like you don't exist? - Eating Disorder Recovery Message Board

maggie043 · 07-19-2005, 10:22 PM

Do you ever feel like you don't exist? Do you ever feel completely invisible? Are you ever in a room full of people and yet feel terribly alone? Do I sound completely nuts? As you can see I am really struggling - I have to keep touching things like my desk or my kids or something to make sure I am really here. I have ED (of course) and also complex PTSD from years of childhood physical and sexual abuse and the same kind of abuse by my ex-husband. I know that when I get stressed I tend to dissociate some times I don't even realize I have done it. It gets even more complicated than that because I am a social worker and even worse the Director of Social Services. Today several times I felt myself watching myself perform my duties supervise employees and it was frightening to say the least. I am thankful that I can do social work in my sleep its not something I have to think about ever it is just me. Its scary because part of me truly wants to be invisible and small but another part of me wants someone to love me and care about me for who I am - I'm sorry I am rambling. Im just sitting here crying tonight. My parents were insane crazy abusers like the rest of my family. I was the abuse buffet when I was younger. So I really have myself and my children and no one else. I get terribly lonely at times. I wish I had an adult to give me a hug, not to discount my kids in anyway (14,22,23) just it is not the same as having your mom, sister, dad, brother, someone tell you they love you. thanks for listening - I appreciate each and everyone of you, I feel like I have friends here.....

zeroprophecy9 · 07-19-2005, 10:40 PM

I am so sorry you are struggling right now. I feel for you and have faith that this moment and feeling will pass and that with the help of your kids and us on the boards you feel comforted and alive and important. I don't feel like I don't exist, per se, but I do sometimes feel unimportant and insignificant to people that I deeply care about. It really hurts and it is very lonley. I definitely agree with you that having someone to hold us is missing. I want so badly to have a someone, particularly a husband someday, to just hold me, listen to me, validate me and love me. Anyway, you are not alone. You never are.

Morgan

firewtr38 · 07-20-2005, 04:53 AM

Hey Maggie
I hear your frustration. I am really sorry that you are having such a hard time. I know what you mean about feeling completely alone even when there is a room full of people. Dissociating can really make someone feel INCREDIBLY disconnected. And that feeling is horrible and lonely. I know that feeling of wanting someone to be there to hold you and tell you it's ok. The weird thing with me is that I have that opportunity with my partner but I am constantly pushing her away. I guess I don't feel worthy or trusting enough. I know that a lot of what I want is that parental figure that I never really had. And my partner can't fulfill that.
I also hear ya about having to be at work and be "present" but when we're dealing with our own stuff it doesn't always happen. I am sure you are excellent at your job though, the amount of compassion you feel probably outweighs the times when you may not seem "all there".
You're in my thoughts. Hang in there and take care.
Lauren

Anterrabae · 07-20-2005, 07:14 AM

::hugs:: Sorry you're struggling maggie. I definitely understand that dissociating feeling. I think I work so hard on presenting my outward appearance that no one really knows me at all. Lots of acquaintances, but no real friends. And I can understand the need to be parented. I think part of the reason behind my ED is to make myself sick so that I have to be taken care of. I had some physical and emotional abuse when I was growing up. There may have been some sexual abuse too.. it sounds stupid but I'm not entirely sure. I have bits of memories and I don't know what happened immediately before or after what I can remember. I guess I'm just waiting for myself to remember more.. whenever I'm ready. It's frustrating just because I don't really know what happened so I can't begin to deal with it yet.

But anyways, I just wanted to say that I can relate to what you are feeling. I'm glad you can get support from us.

maggie043 · 07-20-2005, 04:33 PM

I get so sick and tired of wearing my professional mask but I dont' know how to take it off. I guess I am scared that if i do I will have a complete breakdown and/or end up dead. Its sp crazy how good we are at being "normal" to everyone, well except maybe for our appearance

. People are entirely clueless . SItting in my office today after my last patient, looking at all my s*** on the walls, awards, plaques etc and I thought to myself WHO IS THIS PERSON??? Is it really me, is it all a sham, ED has stolen my identity...I'm not sure who I am anymore. thanks everyone for caring about me