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Old 08-01-2005, 04:49 AM   #1
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troubled_teen12 HB User
I've been doing a lot of thinking..

Sorry about my previous posts, I didn't realize how they sounded to others, and I deeply regret posting those thoughts.... I feel terrible knowing that I might have or could have triggered ED's to start, or to pick back up.. I am so sorry.

Besides that fact, I have been thinking alot lately about my problem.. I have noticed that I never call my problem an Eating Disorder..but deep down I know it is. Only 300-600 calories per day not including exercising is not enough for anyone, and if I don't stop now.. I'm going to get very sick, or possibly die. I really don't want to die or get very sick, and I want to get better, its just that I don't know how..

Yesterday my mother weighed me for our weekly thing (she'd noticed that I'd lost A LOT of weight while at camp, and she put two and two together since she hadn't seen me in a while.. I think she knows I have an ED but doesn't want to accept it, so she just told me to make sure I gained at least 10 lbs before school starts... How does she expect me to gain weight? I really want to be healthy.. but I just can't imagine how to eat 1800 calories a day.. How? I've spent months studying calories and fat grams, obsessing about them, memorizing them... learning of meals that have only a small amount of fat/cals so that I don't go over the 600 cal limit.. How do I just get past that and eat 1800 by myself?

What should I do?.. I tried talking to my mom about it yesterday when she was telling me how sick I looked.. and I was trying to open up to her about it and I hinted and hinted that I had a problem becuase I kept saying how I was so scared of being fat and how I was scared to gain the 10lbs she wanted me to because I didn't want to be fat and bla bla.. but my mom just didnt pick up my signals.. I am so scared to tell her, but I know that I can't do this on my own.. I just don't know what to do.. I don't know if I should just try to gradually increase my calorie intake little by little and see if I can do it on my own... or what? I just.. I know that i need help.. I thought I would be able to gain 10 lbs on my own and get out of this ED, but.. I just don't think that's possible for me..

Again, sorry about the other posts.. I just....I don't know what to do.......

 
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Old 08-01-2005, 06:34 AM   #2
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DaraYu HB User
Re: I've been doing a lot of thinking..

Hi Troubled teen12,
When I read about your thoughts and your problems it reminded me of myself 15 years ago. I'm 30 now, married, with two nice daughters. But back then, I felt terrible just like you.
First of all, I was the only child of my parents, I was supposed to be the best at school, then the best student - my parents were so proud of me. But, deep down inside, I was so unhappy. I felt terrible presure - I felt so ugly and not atractive to boys. I started excersizing a lot, and counting my daily callory intake. I knew energetic value of most food by heart. I was drinking only water and tea (stopped taking milk) and avoided to eat untill my stomach hurt and felt dizzy. It was like a closed circle with no answer. I became very thin, moody, introvert. I had terrible stomachaches and my knees started killing me (becouse of low calcium intake). I stopped growing.
But, luckily my mother took me to a doctor (psychiatrist, I think). I was diagnosed anorexia neurosa. I got some medicine and had to eat small quantities of food but more often. My mother helped me a lot. She was gentle but persistent.
One thing that stroke me and helped me a lot was an encounter with a girl (when I was on summer holiday at sea 1991) who looked like a sceleton. She was only bones and skin. She looked so terrible and sick. Her mother was desperate. We were on the beach together and she kept offering her some sweets. She encouraged her to eat with me. Now I wonder what happened to her?
To cut a long story short, you need help from a doctor and your mother. You MUST eat more - little ammount of food 5 or more times a day, for the beginning. Please, drink at list 3 glasses of milk or yogurt (cheese, icecream) a day, to preserve your bones.
Believe me you will not be fat - but you will be STRONGER and you could face everything that life brings. And life brings a lot.
I met my dear husband who made me feel like the most desirable girl in the world. Now I feel beautifull and strong. I never gave up excersizing, but I stopped counting callories. I just avoid greesy food and too much sweets, and never hasitate to eat when I am hungry. I am 162 cm tall and weigh 52 kg, after giving birth to two kids.
I graduated economy (University diplomma), and have a manager position in the large company.
Please believe in yourself and never give up your education.
I wish you all the best.
Dara Yu

Last edited by DaraYu; 08-01-2005 at 11:10 PM.

 
Old 08-01-2005, 11:05 AM   #3
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snitter HB User
Re: I've been doing a lot of thinking..

hey.

i'm glad you realize we weren't ganging up on you earlier. our hearts all go out to you, more than you know!

10 lbs seems like a LOT to gain over a month. now, i'm not saying it's a lot of weight or that you don't need to gain it (because you DO -- no question), but it seems like your mother is giving you an unrealistic deadline for a couple of reasons.

1 -- you have a disorder. it's not like you're going to overnight change your views on your body and realize being 10 pounds "fatter" (a word that is used like a SWEAR on these bulletin boards despite the fact the human body NEEDS fat!) is actually a posative thing, now are you? it's a slow, gradual process of self-discovery that you need to make. good luck.

2 -- if you are as tiny as you have described, a ten pound weight gain in that short a time would probably cause undue stress to your already weakened body.

i don't know, Troubled... i think your mom needs to support you through a series of baby steps rather than putting wild demands on you like that. increasing your calories gradually is probably a good idea (rather than eating 3x what you currently eat all of a sudden!). you really need a professional's opinion on a REASONABLE goal though. and if that's really not an option... yeah, i guess just try to make the gradual increase to the best of your abilities.

you can do this. we all can.

best wishes,
snitter

 
Old 08-01-2005, 02:27 PM   #4
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Jonistyle2 HB User
Re: I've been doing a lot of thinking..

i agree with snitter. try a slow gradual increase, otherwise it'll be too much, too soon. but the more you increase, the more you'll realize you're hungry, and the easier it'll be. you might feel uncomfortable or a little bloated at first, but going slowly will help. plus, it's all worth it in the end. i'd try adding little things periodically throughout the day instead of trying to stuff down a huge steak out of the blue. that way you can add significant calories without feeling like you're overeating or overly full anytime. you might even want to try doubling your intake (since it's so low) throughout six or so small meals. just stick with foods you're comfortable with and be kind and easy to yourself. you can do this!

also, like the others said, 10 pounds before school might be too much too soon. it's more important to focus on a gradual upward swing and a healthier lifestyle than a specific number right now. you might need to talk to your mom about this. as much as we want others to recognize our problems without having to say anything directly, we can't really expect them to read our minds. especially parents, who want the best for their little girls and don't want them to be sick or hurting or sad. i know it's tough, but you've gotta work up the bravery to tell your mom. trying to get her to tell you you have a problem just won't work and if she does, you might just get angry and push her away (i know i'm putting words in your mouth, but that's what i did! even though i wanted help!) she can really help you get the right kind of help, and i promise it'll be easier once she knows. you won't feel as much pressure to do things you don't know how to do and you won't feel as lost. just something to think about and keep us updated. we're wishing the best for you!!

ps - even if you can only increase 100 cals per day, remember, that's AWESOME, girl!!

 
Old 08-01-2005, 03:12 PM   #5
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NatashaW HB User
Re: I've been doing a lot of thinking..

Is there any way you could stop counting calories?? Maybe that is dumb question for I have never been anorexic, only bulimic. If you stopped counting calories and only ate small portions severl times a day...eat until YOU feel you are full (or full enough) and don't count calories.

I know a lot of girls that aren't anorexic and only eat about 1,200 a day....I think that if you increase your calories to about 1,000 a day and then 1,200 you will slowly gain a small amount of weight. DON'T think about 1,600 a day for now.

 
Old 08-01-2005, 10:58 PM   #6
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zeroprophecy9 HB User
Re: I've been doing a lot of thinking..

You know, troubled, I sometimes hate these boards b/c I can't give you my name or number. I feel you pain just shooting through the screen. Your frustration and fear is just piercing me right now. I agree with all the others. It is very irrational to think that you should have to gain 10 lbs in a month. That can induce some serious heart issues. When I first started my re-feeding process, my dietician had to start me on only 50 calories/day, but that was because I had been eating NOTHING for a long time. You eat 600 now, maybe start trying to add 150-200 cals per week. I think that's a pretty healthy amount, one that might not be so unattainalbe. I KNOW you can do this troubled and I am HERE HERE HERE. I feel my mission in life is to bring people out of this disease (does anyone think I am a hipocrite for saying this while still struggling daily with my own restriction/exercise battles?) and let them see that there is still hope for them. Talk to your mom honestly and bluntly be as straightforward as you can be about how you feel, what you need to begin this process. I know you can succeed at this and all my love and hope is with you ALWAYS. You are in my thoughts and prayers (as well as everyone on these boards; you are all wonderful). Take care of YOU, Troubled!!!

 
Old 08-02-2005, 02:13 AM   #7
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snitter HB User
Re: I've been doing a lot of thinking..

Quote:
Originally Posted by zeroprophecy9
I feel my mission in life is to bring people out of this disease (does anyone think I am a hipocrite for saying this while still struggling daily with my own restriction/exercise battles?)
not at all. actually i think a lot of us feel that way. advice from people who have "been there" is just so much more digestable than people who haven't and think they know what's right for you. and you seem to be a very good advice-giver!

Last edited by snitter; 08-02-2005 at 02:13 AM.

 
Old 08-02-2005, 04:44 AM   #8
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troubled_teen12 HB User
Re: I've been doing a lot of thinking..

Thank you so much for your helpful posts.. I know that i must tell my mom about what's going on, but I just don't know how to tell her this.. I mean, its something I've been thinking about for a very long time, and I know... I really do... I know that I have to tell her.. I mean, she just doesn't understand me or the situation at all, and how hard it is for me to just eat a lot.. I mean, when I'm at the grocery store with her, I want to buy light bread, and light this, and sugar free calorie free drinks and stuff, and then she gets irritated with me saying I'm trying to gain weight not lose weight, but doesn't she understand that I'm trying SO HARD to eat more and get out of this ED? I just.. "regular food" scares me.. I feel like I shouldn't eat, and if i do it has to be the lowest calories...

Yesterday I had more calories that I usually have.. It wasn't too much, but I felt so bad.. but at least I did it right? I think I had 630 calories yesterday. I know its only by 30 calories progress, but.. I did eat more than usual yesterday (which didn't necessarily make me feel good at all.. ). It was strange, because around lunch time I was like "Okay, I'm going to eat more because I want to get out of this ED and if I can eat more today, it'll be easier to eat more tomorrow".. so I'll eat more than usual.. But as soon as dinner comes around these thoughts are coming into my mind telling me to only eat something very low in calories, or something small to make up for my big lunch... but during lunch I was all happy about more calories, and then hours later I am stratigically planning a dinner that looks more than it is to my parents but has hardly any calories.... Aauughh this is so much harder than I originally thought. Why do I think that way? Its so confusing and makes no sense...one mine I'm all for more calories and the next I hate calories..

*sighs*.. I got a feeling this isn't just going to happen over night...

 
Old 08-02-2005, 07:29 AM   #9
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aggiegirl07 HB User
Re: I've been doing a lot of thinking..

Hey Troubled I really wish I had some great advice that would make this so much easier on you, but all I can really do is relate. I feel your struggle with calories so much. I've been battling bulimia for 2 years and just recently started getting help...and if i'm not purging then I'm restricting like crazy and I know how agonizing even a few more calories can seem, but it is sooo worth it! If only we can get over this hill! I've been struggling with adding calories also...and while 100 more (for me) seems reasonable (in the logical mind), it's enough to send me into a panic. I relate to you feeling happy early in the day about the extra 30 (which is excellent by the way!) and then wanting to keep dinner small. I know it can be overwhelming but every step counts...no matter how big or small! I've read your posts and really feel those 30 extra calories was a huge acomplishment Keep it up! What if you bumped your "intake" to 630 instead of 600? That way the extra 30 won't be "extra" anymore. And then add maybe 30 or more in a few days or whenever you feel comfortable and make that number your new daily intake? Of course you need much more, but every little bit added helps Also, I know you've already heard this, but I really think talking to your mom would help. I just recently told my mom, because I know she was getting suspicious about my eating habits and why I do certain things, and telling her and having her in my corner really helped (much more than I ever thought it would). I never imagined in my wildest dream that I'd tell her...but with her realizing that this is an ongoing process and a HUGE deal to me, it's done wonders to my sanity mainly! Please consider it...I think it would make this process a little less rocky Sorry this is so long...I hope I haven't confused you!

Best Wishes,
aggiegirl

 
Old 08-02-2005, 12:02 PM   #10
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Hannie HB User
Re: I've been doing a lot of thinking..

Hey sweetie -
First of all - like you I feel bad about the posts - I really do.

Its alot of your mum to ask to gain 10lbs - and like the others said, it would most probably be best to just take it slow, maybe if your mum saw you gaining a bit of weight she would be happy and not be so pushy with you to gain exactly 10lbs.

Have you thought of getting help with a profesional - i no its hard to tell your mum - but it prob would be best - or even go without your mum knowing if you can do that!

I hope your doing ok.

X Hannie X

 
Old 08-02-2005, 04:22 PM   #11
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troubled_teen12 HB User
Re: I've been doing a lot of thinking..

I'm hopeless! I feel terrible.. just terrible... right now I am in such a low.. depressed mood.... I've had 700 calories today!!!!!! 700!!! I know I'm trying to have more..... and that's the plan but right now I'm just not feeling so well and I don't know what to do.. I just wanna break down and cry! I just don't want to be fat, and... I feel like I'm eating so much and..... why is this happening? How come sometimes I am okay and right now I'm not....

I have a problem... I have been doing this chewing/spitting thing for about a month and a half now... sometimes I make up the weirdest combinations of food that is soooo fattening, but then I just taste it and spit it out.. and sometimes I feel like I'm f ull afterwards, like I actually ate it.... but why do I keep doing it? why? Why do I always have the urge to go make something really fattening, chew it up, and then spit it back out? its stupid and I don't know why I keep doin it... I wanna stop but I don't know how..... I just keep doing it. I know its gross, and dumb, but.. I just.... id unno....

When you chew/spit does any of the calories/fat stay with you? Might be a dumb quesiton but... I just don't know... I feel like I'm losing control and I just don't know how to handle things anymore.... people are always pressuring me to eat and sometimes I want to and sometimes I just want to starve and feeeeeeeeeel the hunger because it makes me feel good...I just can't tell my mom! i couldn't do that! i'm supposed to be her perfect daughter with the perfect grades and talent and everyhting but look at me!??!?

I'm falling apart.......

 
Old 08-02-2005, 04:33 PM   #12
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snitter HB User
Re: I've been doing a lot of thinking..

aw.

nah, you're not gonna get a significant amount of calories from chew / spitting unless a lot of it sticks in your teeth? heh. of course you will swallow particles, but don't get overly worked up about those trace amounts. they won't amount to anything. i don't REALLY endorse chew 'n' spit, but it beats the heck out of throwing up. really i don't think it does any harm other than clogging the sink and making you feel bad.

700 calories won't make you fat. hate to say it, but you still need more than that to survive. think of the person whose body you admire most... i bet even she eats at least 1200 calories a day (of course, i don't know who she is, but unless she's an Ethiopian or an Aushwitz victim, it's a pretty safe bet she does). baby steps though. i know you're scared, but i think i speak for everyone when i tell you how proud we are of your progress. don't backslide. please?

best,
snitter

 
Old 08-02-2005, 06:47 PM   #13
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maggie043 HB User
Re: I've been doing a lot of thinking..

ok - so direct from my "treatment" team - 800 calories is the absolute minimum to feed your brain - that doesn't mean its enough to sustain life indefinetly. I get crap all the time for the calorie business.. I too was the perfect child, the perfect mother ON THE OUTSIDE, inside I was completely coming apart. Are you getting any professional help? maybe it would help..... 700 is great ...keep trying

 
Old 08-02-2005, 10:36 PM   #14
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zeroprophecy9 HB User
Re: I've been doing a lot of thinking..

Hey Troubled, I am so so so so so so proud of the progress you are making. Like Maggie said, 800 is the minimum you brain needs to purely think and concentrate and absorb ideas and memories, etc. Any food under 800 is simply going to be sent to your head, not you thighs. By the way, how do you plan on being the perfect daughter with the perfect grades and all the talent you possess if you are dead? Just a thought you might like to consider. I was there only a year and a half ago after 16 years of anorexia and I can tell you that my perfection was not what took my mother's breath away, it was the ghastly apparition of a 22 year old girl who was once a bright and energetic happy daughter. Please don't go there, it's not worth the suffering. We all are here for you and support you and love you, troubled. Keep up the good Work!!!!!

 
Old 08-03-2005, 02:24 PM   #15
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troubled_teen12 HB User
Re: I've been doing a lot of thinking..

Thank you everyone for the support.. Its just so hard for me to do this.. Iknow i have to tell my mother, but.. I just.. I don't know if I"m ready, but I do'nt want to keep putting it off.. I dont know what to do.. I guess its good that I had a little bit more calories than usual.. but I still feel awful. I don't know whats wrong with me. Everyone has to eat in order to live, why do I stress so much and freak out? I want to be thin.. thats no secret.. but can I eat and still be thin? I just feel like I do'nt even know myself anymore. Yesterday I was so messed up.. I thought about starting to cut again, but.. I stopped myself.. Its been 7 weeks since I last cut, so I guess that's also improvement in my depressed and messed up life. What's sad, is that I'm causing my own problems.. I brought on this stupid ED and cutting.. it was my fault, I created this... why? Why am I letting this ED control my life, my thinking and everything.... I am constantly thinking about fat, calories, food... *sighs*. Maybe I could try to go to a clinic or something.. I just don't know.. I don't really have anyoen to talk to except for you guys here on healthboards.com. Without you guys I don't know where i'd be....even though I've caused trouble on the boards (not on purpose) and upset some people.. I really do appreciate you guys reading hwat I have to say and posting your comments... thank you so much..

Now what do I do? .... I feel so alone and lost...... no one that I can actually verbally talk to knows about this and I haven't told anyone.. and no one would understand anyways.... I just feel alone....so alone...

 
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