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Old 08-02-2005, 03:49 PM   #1
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Tina maria HB User
Arrow feel fat all the time, dont know what to do,

Hi everyone.
i dont know where to start really apart from i cant handle feeling like this any more, and dont know what to do. i dont actually know if i have the disorder or if it's a totally different problem.
I do know how i feel about myself, and i totally hate the way i feel, i feel fat, ugly and such a bad person. i am getting so depressed, well have been for a while i think. I am constantly thinking about my weight, from the moment i wake to the moment i put my head down to sleep. i look in the mirror always and just see fat. some days i might think a part of me might look ok. i am always grabbing at my fleash, wanting it to all be gone. i have even thought of self removal but to scared.i want to make myself trow up but im to profectic to even do that as i have a fobia. i am constanly watching what im eating, and always feel guitly when i do,i have taken laxatives to help remove weight. I also use to weigh myself nearly every day. but haven't had the guts to do it lately. the last time i weighed myself i was 7st 8lb, i am 5ft 2ins. I do try and exercise but really i just dont have the energy, and it dont seem to work.

I have tryed to talk to certain family members about my problem, but they just tell me to shut up and stop being stupid. this makes me feel worse. but lately it's starting to effect the way i feel towards my hubby to be,. i dont trust him, and i feeling totally insecure. i keep thinking he's going to find a slimmer prettier woman, one that dont keep on about her weight. I feel totally ugly and un sexy towards him. he dont even look at me anymore when i undress. the compliments have stopped. yet he says its cos i always laugh at him and am in denial when he tells me so.he tells me he loves me but i cant beleive him. I due to marry him next june. and i dont know if i go do it, not because i dont love him, i do so much, it hurts, but because i dont want to look fat in my wedding dress.

I feel like im being so stupid telling people my problem, but i no longer know what to do, and want to talk to people going through the same experience as me.

can anyone help? Tina.

 
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Old 08-02-2005, 04:12 PM   #2
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snitter HB User
Re: feel fat all the time, dont know what to do,

i just can't stress enough to you how much it's not worth ruining your life over wanting to lose a couple of pounds (which you really don't have to lose in the first place). you have got what most people would consider THE perfect BMI... it's on the very low side of exactly what's reccomended for your height! congrats!

you HAVE to nip this thing in the bud. seriously. you can stop this before it starts, and you must because an ED is a downward spiral addiction you get trapped in... not just something you can induce until you reach your goal weight -- it just doesn't work like that. if your husband compliments you, try to take it at face value... i mean... the guy's MARRYING you, right? obviously he thinks highly of you!

furthermore, i think the person your husband wants to be with is a healthy happy lady who accepts herself and him... not some withered bonebag. know what i mean?

best,
snitter

 
Old 08-02-2005, 04:27 PM   #3
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aleash HB User
Re: feel fat all the time, dont know what to do,

I agree with what snitter said about it being a downward sprial. But I wanted to add that your not alone in these thoughts. I would say you have an ED, you don't neccarly have to starve yourself or throw up after every meal to have an eating disorder. Constantly thinking about your weight and feeling your "fat" more like skin, are all signs of eating disorders. Also laxitives are another form of losing weight for people with ED's, which I would not recoomen, because long term use is VERY distructive to your body (trust me I now have IBS and it really sucks).
So heres what I suggest. You are in the beginning stages of going down a sprialing path, so please if you can go talk to someone now, before it gets worse. I think at this point a thearpist would help you alot. Trust me please don't try the starving or purging method, it might seem worth it but there are plenty of people here that can tell you it is defiantly not. Your husband obviously loves you alot, but I know what you mean about not wanting to be naked infront of him or scared he will find someone prettier. I feel like that everytime my bf and I are intement. The thing is he is with me and is an awsome guy (I'm sure yours is too your marrying him) so for him to pick me must mean something right. He wouldnt be with me if he didnt find me attractive, and neither would your bf, so you have to belive that. I'm glad you came here for advice, but from someone who is seriouly regreting ever going down the path of bulimia please get help before it starts. I still think I am fat, and I have been bulimic for 2 years, so obvioulsy it doesn't get rid of thoses fears, therefor was not a good path for me to do. Now that I think about it I have always thought I was fat even when I weighed like 80lbs. So I hope you go talk to a thearpist I think for you that would be a great idea, I know that when I go back to school I am going to find an eating disorder thearpist first thing, I am ready to get professional help. I just wish that I would have done it when I was first having all the same thoughts as you, instead of heading towards the bulimic path.
Best of luck, if you ever need someone to talk to or advice I am always here
leash

 
Old 08-02-2005, 04:28 PM   #4
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Tina maria HB User
Re: feel fat all the time, dont know what to do,

i cant stop, i dont know how. i dont know whats wrong with me. it really upsets me. just reading your message made me cry, not in a horriable i know what your saying. thank you also. i cant help feeling this way, i want it to stop, i really do. I have a daughter as well and i dont want it effecting her, but i think i have slightly. im wrecking everything around me.

I just want to feel beautiful and happy with myself but i cant and dont know how.

 
Old 08-02-2005, 04:48 PM   #5
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Tina maria HB User
Re: feel fat all the time, dont know what to do,

thank you alesh. god it scares me what you say, i dont want to head down that path, i really dont, but i cant see away out of it. I know i should get help. but i too scared what the doctor will think or do. I nearly made an appointment, but didn't have the guts. you see i also suffer with panic attack, i have had them now for nearly 7 years, they stop me doing so many things. i have had so many bad things happen to me, some things from childhood up untill my early twenties. and some of these things make me worse to.
as for what you said about your byfriend and mine, i know your right. its just hard believing.i know he loves and wants me, its like theres a little gremlin in my head,telling me these things.

thank you for taking the time to talk to me and the offer for a chat, i might just do that.and vice versa, best wishes.

 
Old 08-02-2005, 04:52 PM   #6
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snitter HB User
Re: feel fat all the time, dont know what to do,

well... weight loss isn't the ONLY way to feel beautiful. in fact, when you start losing severe amounts of weight, you will probably try to cover up how thin you've gotten (yet still be addicted to losing weight -- how wierd is THAT!)? seriously, i'm jealous of the pregnant beagle up the street because she's got bigger breasts than i do (SIX of 'em... lucky b!+#% )...

last time i saw... eh... i dunno what he is to me. we like each other a lot... he made a playful grab at me and visably cringed when he felt my ribs. he looked really scared for me. guys just aren't attracted to thinness to the extreme we seem to think they are. it is a very rare man indeed who lusts after the women in UNICEF commercials.

i do agree that it sounds like you've already got an eating disorder, but you're not very far gone at all. Aleash is totally right that now is the PERFECT time to seek help. do not let it wait. i am really scared for you because you are at that point where an eating disorder almost seems like a GOOD idea. you don't know the personal h*** you're leading yourself into!

 
Old 08-02-2005, 04:59 PM   #7
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aleash HB User
Re: feel fat all the time, dont know what to do,

Hey Tina-
I'm really sorry I made you cry, I didn't want to do that. Now that you said you also have panic attacks and a child, I think it is even more of a reason to go to thearpy. I know your scared but do it for your daughter. Turth is if you don't get help soon it is very likley you will pass it to your daughter, I think my mom suffered from an ED all her life, and that is the main reason why I developed the same habits. Please read one of my posts on this board, its like a week old so you will have to scroll through the pages to read it but its tittled "Confused and could use some advice" Its all about how my mother has made me feel growing up and why I am the way I am. I think after you read this you will realize you really need to get help before its too late. Keep me informed, its not to late for you to get this under control so please, please, consider it!!
Take care,
Leash

 
Old 08-02-2005, 05:01 PM   #8
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Tina maria HB User
Re: feel fat all the time, dont know what to do,

thanks snitter, well you just made me laugh. breasts! what are they? i have lost mine.
how do you stop yourself feeling this way? what do you do to stop yourself when you feel like this?

 
Old 08-02-2005, 05:08 PM   #9
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Re: feel fat all the time, dont know what to do,

thank you, i will. you didt make me cry personally, i know what you say is true. i will be coming back on tomorrow, but i seriously need to get to bed. plus my partner will be home soon, i dont know what he will make of all this, even though he knows how i feel. but he dont quite know the truth of it.

goodnight and take care.

 
Old 08-02-2005, 06:44 PM   #10
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Re: feel fat all the time, dont know what to do,

Tina you are not alone is what happened as a child and a young adult - I too had some HORRIBLE things happen and I have an ED have had it since age 13 now 43 yrs. I hope that you will make that appointment, its so important to take care of it before things have gone too far. You don't want to end up like me 30 yrs done the road still starving and throwing up, freaking out about food, and obssessing about food. Call and talk to someone, check out a dietician or a nutritionist if you are too scared of a doctor or therapist - you NEED to start somewhere...thinking of you take care

 
Old 08-03-2005, 01:27 AM   #11
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snitter HB User
Re: feel fat all the time, dont know what to do,

Quote:
Originally Posted by Tina maria
how do you stop yourself feeling this way? what do you do to stop yourself when you feel like this?
i remind myself that i'm my own worst critic. i surround myself with things i love that validate me. i write. when i feel i'm sliding, i pull out a piece of paper and write my thoughts into words. sometimes i even get a song or poem out of the deal, but even if i don't, putting things into words really helps me analyze.

best wishes,
snitter

 
Old 08-03-2005, 07:50 AM   #12
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Re: feel fat all the time, dont know what to do,

hi maggie. you have suffered a long time. IT aint nice. I dont know how long i had this, but within the past few years its getting worse. after having children i ballooned to a size 14, a few months later after having my baby daughter. my baby girl was only on this earth for nearly 8 wks, a passed away suddenly of cot death. i haven't and never will get over this but i deal with it. soon after her death i was diagnosed with panic attacks, and my weight started just falling of me. i got down to 8 stone and a size 10 within less than six months.my weight has continued to flatulate over the past years going up to a size twelve and down to an size eight, and thats my present weight now. just before christmas i was 7st 4lbs and was fairly happy with this, but not satisfied, and still wanted to loose weight. i want to get down to just seven stone. but the weight keeps creeping back, the last time i weighed myself which was probably about a month to 3 weeks ago i was 7.8. and felt really unhappy with this.

i do sometimes try to ignore my problem, but its always there in the back of my mind, like to today, i had such an awful morning, and i came back home feeling awful and hatrid towards myself. I wanted to find a top, just an ordinary vest top. and went looking around the shops, i found a few that i really liked, some didn't fit, and the rest just made me look b***** awful. I stood there just looking at my waist and thighs and could of cried. my stomach was bloated and looks fat, my legs looked liked tree trunks. i feel and look like a size 12 again not a eight. so i gave up with the idea. i have this problem ever time. then to me me even feel worse i came home and felt hungry. so i made a marmite sandwhich, i felt so bad about just eating two pieces of bread. but i have to eat you, cos if i dont i get all shakey, dizzy, pulpitations, and confusion, which can trigger the panic attacks of. so i cant win, whatever i do. i even feel bad if i have a drink of juice or tea. this is so stupid. I even died my hair last night just to try and make me look nice, it aint bad, but it didn't work.

Maybe a dietrician might be an idea, would that be through adoctor, then through the hospital? what would be involved with that?

thank you for talking to me, and sorry i have just moaned my head head.

 
Old 08-03-2005, 08:05 AM   #13
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Tina maria HB User
Re: feel fat all the time, dont know what to do,

Hi snitter, thank you for your advice. I use to write down my emotions onto paper but then i would always throw them away and feel stupid of myself for writing, but i suppose in a sence, afterwards if i can say, that maybe a little bit of tension feels like its being taken a way for a couple of minutes, its almost like having a freind, one that dont critisize you. (sorry spelling not great.) but then i would worry someone would find it and think im stupid or loosing it. so i suppose thats why i always binned it. music use to help sometimes, i would turn it on and have a secret little dance, but then afterwards its still there haunting me. I also use to go clubbing alot, and dance the night away, i supose that kepted my weight at an even balance, but then i got slagged of for drinking to much. I also growed to relize i actually didn't like putting myself through the nasty hangover state, and thats why i dont go out no more, plus cos of the panic attacks would effect me to.

 
Old 08-03-2005, 08:21 AM   #14
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aleash HB User
Re: feel fat all the time, dont know what to do,

Tina-
I can't stress how much it would beneifit you to go talk to a thearpist. I agree with snitter when she said that you are at the stage where an ED almost seems like a good idea. Trust me its NOT, please go talk to someone. A eating distorder specialest, a nutrienist, or even just a thearipst. This would help you over come all these emotions and fears your are experiencing, and if you don't get help just think how much harder it will be to get help in the future if these feelings get stronger.
I understand the whole tramatic thing making it worse, trust me I do. Last year I experienced a few really big things that made my ED get SO much worse. If I had gone to a thearipst I think I would have been able to get control of it sooner. So please consider it, It really sounds like your really trying to get help, so please I know its scary but I really think your at the point where it really can benefit you. We are all here to support you and give you advice!!!!
Good luck, I hope things go better for you today!
Aleash

 
Old 08-03-2005, 08:58 AM   #15
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Tina maria HB User
Re: feel fat all the time, dont know what to do,

hi aleash, I dont want to have an ed if thats what im suffering with, i certainly wouldn't consider it being an good idea.why would i. i know its an illness. I cant help the feelings i suffer with. your right though i do want help, and thats why i turned to this sight. because im getting so low and depressed that i dont wont to be like this anymore.
I did almost consider phoning the doctor today after speaking to all you people, i have wanted to see a doctor for a while about my problem. but i just couldn't pick up the phone and do it. easy said and done really, but putting it into action aint that easy, surely, you must know this. I to be honest i always think to myself, how will a therapist, counsillor or any profession help me unless they have or are going through it themselfs. i think thats my problem.

Thank you for your concern though.

 
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