Soo Scary! - Eating Disorder Recovery Message Board

wheresmylamp · 10-03-2005, 10:59 PM

This is terrifying. Actually writing about my eating disorder. Putting the words down on paper, where anyone who happens to accidentally open this folder may see, and may discover my huge secret. Im bulimic. Its been about two and a half years. Sometimes I will binge and purge 4 times a day, sometimes weeks will go by without anything. But its always there in the back of my head.
I think that ive had body issues since I was… in grade 4. I would compare myself to my friends and all the other girls in my school. I despised my body, although looking back I was so skinny. I really don’t know where this issue came from, my parents are both wonderful people, ive always had amazing and supportive friends. But, from such a young age I felt utterly inadequate.
I think that im generally a pretty happy person. My ed doesn’t control my life. Well, not too much at the moment. Its just another huge failure on my part. I hate feeling so out of control. I hate that I hate my body. For my whole life Ive wanted to be thin, but Ive never been able to stick to a diet. Im sure that this bulimia has only made it worse, since I seem to be completely addicted to food.
No one knows. Im 19 now and feel completely lonely and hopeless a lot of the time. Im not depressed and im quite sure that everyone I know would be very surprised to find out that ive been battling this for so long. Im so afraid that it has become such a part of my life now that im never going be able to recover.
I guess I only have one question, and it’s a big one… how do I heal?

Jonistyle2 · 10-04-2005, 05:52 AM

well, the first step toward recovery is fully and readily admitting you have a problem. and huge congrats to you, you've done it! welcome to these boards. they are a great place to share and help and cry and ask questions. don't ever be afraid to post anything . . . i guarantee anything you've done/thought/said has been done/thought/said by at least one other person on this board! it's great to know that you're not alone in your struggle . . . that you're not a freak and that other seemingly "normal" girls are fighting the same battle you are every day. so, welcome!

i'm sorry that you feel so alone in your battle. i know what it's like to have the "perfect" mask on all the time and feel like you're falling to pieces on the inside. but have faith, you can get better. you have to believe that everyday. if you want to heal, then honey, you can. there are going to be ups and downs and it's gonna take awhile (especially if it's pretty ingrained in your lifestyle), but you can pull through this! i know it seems like a daunting amount of work, but just always remember how great it will be when you love every inch of your body and you don't always have to have this dark cloud hanging over you.

my advice is to talk to someone you feel close to. my first person was my mom, but for you it might be a friend, other relative, boyfriend, whoever. you need to begin to open up about your bulimia so you can recover. EDs are so secret and being open and honest is one of the first steps to recovering. i know telling someone seems horrible, and YES, it will be an uncomfortable conversation, but i think you'll be suprised how empathetic most people are. plus, after you tell (just one person!), you'll feel like a million pounds have been lifted off your shoulders!!! it's amazing.

the next step is to find a therapist you can work with. i know that this may seem unnecessary, but believe me, it is VERY necessary in order to fully recover and be freed from the shackles of your ED. i know you said it doesn't rule your life now, but you wouldn't have written if it wasn't plaguing your mind, and therapy is the way to go to get to the root of the issue and overcome it. often you'll have to go to a dietician/nutritionist and regular doctor too. it's a lot of appointments at first, but then it chills out and it's mainly the therapy.

sorry this was so long! (apparently i have a lot to say at 6:45 in the morning!) anyway, welcome and best of luck to you! keep us updated on everything!

bbybyrd · 10-04-2005, 05:29 PM

I agree, the hardest thing for me to do was admit that I had an ed. But it was a load off of sorts because for the first time I felt like I didn't have to hide it anymore. Next was finding support and a therapist. Talking about your ed and actually getting feedback on the emotions driving it is absolutely necessary for you to heal from this. Congrats on making the hardest step by admitting you have a problem.

tired and angry · 10-05-2005, 01:59 AM

Hey! Reading ur post sounded just like mine a few months ago when i first came to these boards. Like u, i always tried to diet and it didnt work and i also thought people wud b surprised i have had this so long but actually they werent really. I am also 19. i know u said its not controlling ur life but its clearly having a big impact on it and i really really urge u to go and see ur doctor. However, i know that when i first posted on here that was absolutely hard enough and there was no way i was goin to talk to sb in person!! BUT, believe me, u will feel sooooo much better when u do. Otherwise, this will just carry on as it has for yrs. Try talking to a close friend first. I emailed mine one night and she was so great n iv been able to talk with her ever since when i am having a rough time. It really helps n then u get used to talking bout it more n kinda realise its not such a bad thing at all and eventually i made the appointment at my doctors with a friend. I just wrote the whole thing down so i wudnt miss anythin n just gave it to the doctor n she was great.

Anyway, for now u have made a HUGE step in the right direction so well done. U should b proud of urself! Keep posting on here and let us kno how ur doin.

luv n hugs
Suzanne
xxx