I haven't posted much lately and, as a lot of us have said in the past, that usually means that we're struggling. I thought for a while there that I was doing fairly well. I started to get angry at ED and realize that I didn't need to spend all my time blaming myself and putting myself down for having this disease. So I started to fight and really give myself permission to get angry at ED.
Well then Thanksgiving came...ugh! It has really throw me for a loop. I know it's not about the food. I'm really feeling angry and bitter because my family is freezing me out and has not contacted me in over a month. They didn't even invite me for thanksgiving dinner. Which I would have declined to go with my partner but it is just the point that they didn't even invite me! I haven't spoken to my brother since July and my other brother has again dropped off the face of the earth (this is a common occurence). So I'm feeling abandoned by them and really angry. But at the same time they were really controlling and abusive when I was younger so that's all unresolved and stuff I'm dealing with. So I'm all mixed up about it.
So then on thanksgiving I went to my partner's family and it was just not worth it. I ate dinner but was so damn anxious throughout the whole thing. The appetizers, the dinner, the dessert...ugh! I left there feeling very unsatisfied and even more frustrated with myself! I didn't enjoy the company or the food or anything.
I'm just SO disgusted with myself! I try so hard but then I never end up letting it go. I want recovery but then I think...if I really wanted it than wouldn't I try harder? Wouldn't I stop focusing so much on food, calories, fat, miles run, calories burned, etc.? I must not hate it as much as I think I do since I'm not fighting it hard enough.
This is what goes through my head so often. And it's just kind of sent me into a spiral of self defeating thoughts. I go to the grocery store and I won't buy anything thats not "safe", I won't take risks, I won't give into the things I want (like ice cream, that's NOT lite). My partner wanted me to buy a pumpkin pie today at the store. She wanted a half a pie but if they didn't sell it to buy the whole pie. Well they didn't have the half and I was too damn chicken to buy the whole because I was afraid I'd eat it. Well isn't that what you're supposed to do with a pie???!! Ugh!!
Having an ED and grocery shopping is really hard too. Sometimes I won't buy something because I can't find it in "light" or "fat free", so I'll buy the more expensive brand just so I can have that label. I end up spending more money because the things I want are never on sale because they're the low calorie brands or gimicks (like 100 calorie snack packs, they are NEVER on sale) or whatever. And I'm so ritualistic! I take on some of the patterns that people would if they were living in a third world country and suffering from malnutrition. Which I guess in a way is what I do only I control it.
I'm just so sick of myself! Does anyone else ever feel this way?
I'm just feeling so freakish and frustrated.
I'm also trying to read "The Body Myth" which was suggested to me by my therapist and nutritionist. It's really good but some of it really hits home and then I get frustrated, depressed or scared.
Well, thanks for listening/reading. I guess I just needed to vent. I've been emailing my dietician a lot to vent but I'm feeling guilty and don't want to bug her. So thanks for listening.
I definitely feel as frustrated as you!
Sometimes when I used to grocery shop when I was anorexic, I would look at all the different foods I wouldn't dare let myself eat, like brownies and pizza and bagels.....all the very high-calorie foods.....and then I would just buy stupid fat free stuff and go home wishing I could just eat whatever I wanted and not get fat
So don't feel bad if you feel frustrated because we all go through it and face this major struggle.
It's hard to actually do, but learning to accept yourself for who you are is the key.
What is one thing you like about yourself? Try to find as many things as possible: your eyes, your sense of humor, your friends, your skin.....Focus on that.....
A lot easier said than done, but if you can try to think of that instead of ED you might slowly work your way towards accepting your body
Thanks so much for your post. I was feeling like I was the only one with ritualistic eating patterns and so much frustration and shame and blaming myself for having this disease, feeling as if I am just a bad person a lazy, or as if I really want to be this way (as opposed to having an illness).
The patterns you mentioned: have you heard of the Minnesota Study? It was done in WWII, I think. They took conscientious objectors, young, healthy men, and put them on a semi-starvation diet. The men, all normal eaters, developed all the symptoms and obsessions of anorexia. They cut their food into little pieces, developed food rituals...all of it we go through. Apparently these rituals and habits are what anyone's brain and body do in the face of starvation. So these patterns are the result of semi-starvation and food deprivation, not anything we individually make up or want to do.
I feel like you right now. I didn't even try to celebrate Thanksgiving, easier for me, since I have no family. But even when my parents were alive and I was in touch with my brothers, I couldn't do it. They'd beat on me to come and eat with them, and I just couldn't go (I also have agoraphobia). My family was abusive, alcoholic, too.
As for grocery shopping, I eat mostly the same thing every day, a pretty balanced diet, so I don't even look at anything else. I get too confused and panicky if I do.
I eat what is safe and healthy. But not enough to maintain a decent weight.
I find the frustration just maddening. I think I've made progress, then slip back into losing weight again (often without intending to), get so discouraged.
Well, I am so sorry you are having this rough time, but you really helped me tonight, thanks again.
I'm glad my post helped some people. At least I know I'm not alone. Seaturtle I have never heard of that study, I think I'm going to look it up. It sounds interesting and it makes a lot of sense. What else is the body and mind supposed to do when it's starving? It makes so much sense in one breath but trying to apply it to myself is what's difficult.
I get so sick of eating the same things every day but at the same time when I try to mix it up a bit I get really anxious. I went out to dinner with a friend last night and it made me anxious. It was out of my normal routine. I NEVER eat out on a Monday night. But I did it and I survived. I just wish that I didn't end up going through so much mental hell just to do something as "simple" as going out to dinner with a friend.
The voice of ED has been so loud in my head lately. I'm sure it partly has to do with Thanksgiving and all the other holiday stuff. I actually stood in the shower yesterday morning and yelled "SHUT UP!" as loud as I could. It actually kind of worked.
I know I do a lot better with structure. When I go to work I eat better than on the weekends. I tend to do a lot of restricting when I'm not on a schedule.
luv4life- I thought about what you said. I really like my hair, my teeth and my sense of humor. Those are three things I like about myself.
ya i used to do a lot better on a schedule when i was anorexic, but ive been trying to get off depending on that
however, that led to my bulimia....so i shouldve probably stuck with more of a schedule
this post has been really helpful thanks u guys!