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Old 01-22-2006, 08:10 PM   #1
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LS289 HB User
Am I not okay?

Hi there...
I've been posting on the Diet and Nutrtion board, but was recently referred over here b/c I think I may have a problem with my eating. I won't make this a long story, but basically I've struggled with my eating and exercise and food for several months now and I'm currently 119lbs at 6 feet tall. It's not that I don't eat and it's not that I exercise 4 hours a day...actually, I don't really know what it is. I restrict myself, yes, but not to the point where I think I should be so thin. I do know, however, that food causes me a lot of worry and a lot of stress.

I know that I am thin, but I do not think that I am at a worrisome point. I have been traveling the past few months with two of my best friends and have lost weight along the way. They are very concerned and have recently told me that I have to get help when I get home and they will be very upset with me if I don't.
I also sent pictures home to my family and my parents became very worried after seeing how thin I am and have said that I am getting help as soon as I get home.

Food has been guiding my emotions for a long time now and I'm ready to be done with that, but at the same time there is a part of me that is scared to let go of this control. I don't want to get big and huge and I feel that I am at a thin, but normal weight right now. Am I definitely too thin though? I am confused b/c I want to believe that I see myself differently than other ppl and I should just trust them that I am too thin, but that is also so hard to do. It's like being blindfolded and trying to walk forward - you're always a little more hesitant.


 
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Old 01-22-2006, 09:11 PM   #2
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Re: Am I not okay?

119 and 6 foot IS THE DANGER ZONE. You are dangerously thin for your height. You should weight atleast 145 lbs at 6'.
You need to seek help now. I don't know how much you are eating or exercising, but at any rate your body is not at a healthy weight.

 
Old 01-22-2006, 11:57 PM   #3
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Re: Am I not okay?

Thank you, Natalie. I definitely am going to seek help as soon as I get home. I just don't understand how I could be so thin if I don't eat just celery and exercise 5 hours a day. I EAT (even if it's not a ton).

I remember when I weighed 135 and thinking I was very thin...it's weird how your perception can change so quickly....

 
Old 01-23-2006, 01:53 AM   #4
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LS289 HB User
Re: Am I not okay?

Just had to post one more thing...
I feel awful right now because of what I just ate. Here is what I had today and what I feel bad about:
Breakfast- special k, lowfat yogurt, berries + coffee with skim milk
Lunch- Green apple, sliced turkey, cashew nuts (over 20 of them...feel bad about this), orange
Dinner- 3 sushi rolls (not cut so about 3-4 bites each) -2 salmon avo and 1 mushroom
Dessert- (was REALLY craving chocolate!!) weight watchers small chocolate ice cream (not sure how many cals but 470 KJ), marshmallows (a lot), and 2 small dark chocolate squares (about 30 cals each)
I feel so disgusting after eating all those marshmallows and stuff. I feel like I have to run for longer tomorrow now. I hate that I feel this way!!!

 
Old 01-23-2006, 07:10 AM   #5
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SorryMyNameSux HB User
Re: Am I not okay?

I know where you are coming from, im 5'11'' - 6'' and at my lowest i was 120, it felt good. But i have to tell you that its not good for you, you are way to thin, and i know i was there (almost sick looking). And the sad truth is i would love to be back there again, eventhough i know its so bad for me. Just try to get help, i know im trying to also (i know it can be hard).

Good Luck
Meg

 
Old 01-23-2006, 02:26 PM   #6
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Natalie00 HB User
Re: Am I not okay?

Quote:
Originally Posted by LS289
Just had to post one more thing...
I feel awful right now because of what I just ate. Here is what I had today and what I feel bad about:
Breakfast- special k, lowfat yogurt, berries + coffee with skim milk
Lunch- Green apple, sliced turkey, cashew nuts (over 20 of them...feel bad about this), orange
Dinner- 3 sushi rolls (not cut so about 3-4 bites each) -2 salmon avo and 1 mushroom
Dessert- (was REALLY craving chocolate!!) weight watchers small chocolate ice cream (not sure how many cals but 470 KJ), marshmallows (a lot), and 2 small dark chocolate squares (about 30 cals each)
I feel so disgusting after eating all those marshmallows and stuff. I feel like I have to run for longer tomorrow now. I hate that I feel this way!!!
Hey

I know you feel bad...but it sounds like you ate wonderfully! You did NOT overeat at all, in fact you could have eaten a lot more and still not have overeaten. And don't feel bad about the cashews, yes they are high in fat but they are a NATURAL fat, healthy fat...you body reacts differently to the good fat in nuts than the bad fat in pastries or french fries, and nuts are low in carbs and high in fiber (they are one of nature's super foods!). You got a lot of calcium at breakfast and it was low in fat and calories, berries and apples are full of antioxidants, and salmon is super healthy!
And we ALL have days where we can't get enough chocolate. Some days I get so nuts I eat like a million M+M's and lots of sugary candy like skittles. And I used to consume a lot of marshmallows back in the day
There are a lot of ice creams out now that say "no sugar added" that are WONDEFUL..low in fat and cals and low sugar so I can eat ice cream 3-4 times a week. There are also lots of sugar free or no sugar added fudge bars and popsicles and even chocolate bars. I am NOT saying this because I want you to diet or count calories...only as an alternative when you want something sweet to eat that you won't have to feel bad about later (although you should NOT feel bad about eating regular ice cream or chocolate! I do, EVERYONE does. Life is short. We might as well have some small pleasures)

I checked your height and weight online and to just maintain your weight you should eat 2,200 calories a day. You did not eat 2,200 calories in your meal plan yesterday. To steadily gain, you should eat 2,800-3,000 a day.

Keep eating like you did yesterday and add some more calories as you feel you can;get into therapy and see and nutrionist.

Last edited by Natalie00; 01-23-2006 at 04:44 PM.

 
Old 01-23-2006, 03:09 PM   #7
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Re: Am I not okay?

oh, sweetie, you HAVE to get help. immediately.

i know you're struggling and you don't feel like you're at too low of a weight, but honey, YOU ARE. you have been STEADILY losing weight, you exercise rigorously and feel terrible if you don't and you watch your eating severly. (i know i always say this when we talk/post to each other, but i've been there, done that. you seem just like me about a year and a half ago.)

you do not take in NEARLY enough calories. it's hard when you're a tall girl, i think, because i don't think we realize that 120 lbs. is WAY WAY too light since other girls can weigh that and be totally healthy. also, we tall girls need to take in WAY more calories just too maintain, and even more to gain.

anyway, your eating is terribly disordered and getting worse, you're feeling like crap about your appearance and food and i'm willing to bet it's taking a toll on other life stuff too. think about it this way, can getting help make things any worse??? sounds like your life kinda sucks as it is right now, so think logically, will gaining 5 or 10 pounds BUT being able to talk about this crap and get it out and eat more foods and not feel as crappy REALLY make life any worse? (i hope you know i'm not trying to be a b**ch. i know what you're going through and i know how much it sucks. i just REALLY want you to realize that you need help.)

more fun facts about me to try to convince you that you NEED to be eating more and you NEED to be in therapy. I'm still hanging around 123 lbs, and i'm f***ing sick of it. even though i know i'll hate gaining weight, i'm sick of this dam* ED and i'm sick of being so dam* skinny, i just want to move on! i've been restricted from ALL forms of physical activity (and i'm talking no more than a walk to the mailbox), but i have been able to keep my running (only 3 miles, 4 days a week, which i know is A LOT less than you do)

well you know what? for three or so weeks i've been eating 3000 cals a day, and i haven't gained one stinkin' pound. so now i'm jumping to 3500 for this week and if i don't gain, i've agreed to give up running for the time being. i guess i'm just telling this to you because we're the same height, age and we both run, and i know that i didn't realize how high my metabolism actually was. i don't think you do either, but trust me, it's VERY high and you NEED many more calories just to maintain (as evidenced by the fact that you've been losing) and even more to gain.

i feel like i'm starting to sound like a broken record, so i'll stop. but please get help. i haven't posted to anyone in awhile, but i feel like i can really relate to you and that's why i so desperately want you to get help. you cannot do this on your own and you need guidance and love and support. we're all here for you, but get somebody professional asap. good luck.

 
Old 01-23-2006, 10:57 PM   #8
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LS289 HB User
Re: Am I not okay?

Joni-
Thank you so much for being so adamant about helping me! That is what I need. It's so frustrating for other people, but I think I just need someone to tell me every second of the day that I CAN eat more and I WON'T get fat and I NEED to gain weight!!! When I'm left to my own devices, things get bad.
You're really lucky (from my point of view) that your metabolism is so high, but I really doubt mine is like that. I have this feeling that the second I let my guard down I'll gain 5 lbs. Because more often than not, doesn't your meatbolism slow down when you eat less?
All of my friends eat really healthy, too, but they are "normal." It's so hard to go out to eat with them and be able to order a burger, a pizza, or even just a sandwich, for that matter. It's always "chicken salad with dressing on the side" or "eggs with wheat toast." And none of them have eating disorders and they eat chocolate and snack on other things, but I just think that it will be hard for me to be recovering in that sort of environment. I will feel like such a pig!
Anyway, I guess that is the least of my worries. I am definitely going to get help when I get home. I'll keep you updated on what happens...
Thanks again for caring so much. I really want to get better. I'm so sick of this...

 
Old 01-24-2006, 07:44 AM   #9
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Re: Am I not okay?

i'm so glad you're getting ready to get help. it's so scary, i know, but you know its the right decision. i totally understand what you mean about not being able to do it on your own, because as hard as you try, you just can't actually eat more, etc. (That's just how i was . . . what a surprise!)

Try not to fret too much about the metabolism stuff. I felt the same way, that no way could i eat more than 2000 calories a day because i'd blow up like a ballon in an instant. But my body has proven me wrong. Everybody's different, so who knows what'll happen, but i guarantee you won't gain weight instantly. Plus, even if you do, you'll have a therapist and a nutritionist who can tweak things in your diet and help you cope. It will be okay!

Also, about the friends thing. I wouldn't worry too much about that either. One of the biggest things with me and my therapist is challenging myself (like in restaurants for example), but NOT doing anything i feel uncomfortable with. So yeah, often (because it takes away the anxiety) i'll order healthy things with dressings/sauces on the side. And i just try not to care what anyone thinks, because i know that's what i can handle, you know? So you'll still be able to order healthy stuff (no force-feeding of bacon cheeseburgers and fries dipped in mayo!), but the accomplishment will be in going out to eat and feeling increasingly comfortable with yourself. It'll be okay. Plus, the more friends you can tell about what's going on (i've finallly told all of my close ones), the easier it'll be. mine understand and they won't make comments about anything i eat, they don't try to convince me to eat appetizers,etc. there's no pressure when we go out to eat, which is really nice. so i'd recommend telling some close friends when the time comes. it's nice to have as many shoulders to lean on as you can.

good luck and let's keep talking. even though we're at slightly different points in recovery, i still feel like we fighting the same demons and i can really related to what you say. how long until you're able to start therapy? talk to you soon!

 
Old 01-24-2006, 03:56 PM   #10
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Re: Am I not okay?

Hey there,
I'm glad you want to keep talking b/c I feel like I'm really going to need it. I can start therapy in about a week (or start to seek therapy, at least). I'm ready, but not. I don't know if I'll ever truly be ready. I keep thinking if I lost just 5 more lbs THEN I'd need help and it would be justified. But then I reckon I'd probably say the same thing after I lost those 5lbs, right?
I still feel bad about what I ate last night, but I guess today is a brand new day. I had a tiny bit of dry cereal this morning, and, if you can believe it, I feel bad about that, too! Because I had in my head that I wanted to eat nothing when I woke up and wait until lunch or something...oh well.

Anyway, I've told most of my close friends. It's actually been sort of an ongoing issue for a while, so they already know this is something I struggle with. They are all extremely supportive and I couldn't ask for better friends.

I feel like I can't really tell when I'm hungry anymore. It's not that I never feel hungry, it's just that sometimes I'll feel llike I want to eat or have a stomach ache or something weird and then I'll eat a bunch (like last night) and I'll realize that I was hungry. Is this normal? This may sound weird, but how do I know when I'm hungry!? Oh and about the running, I don't do it nearly as much as I used to (b/c I've been traveling, etc). If I work out it's usually just about 30 minutes of jogging or on the elliptical....sad.

 
Old 01-25-2006, 10:25 AM   #11
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Jonistyle2 HB User
Re: Am I not okay?

oh honey, i don't really have anything to say, but i just want to say hi and let you know i'm here. i'm so glad your friends know. even though they don't have ed's, ALL girls can relate to weight issues and it's awesome that you have a tight circle of support around you. don't be afraid to lean on them when you think you might fall. this is SO, SO hard to beat (i'm really feeling it today) and sometimes it's the only thing you can think/talk about. you're friends are there for that, so don't keep it all bundled inside. anyway, i'm just glad you've got them! have you told your parents at all? my mom is great about it, my dad doesn't get it but he tries to understand, you know? i think it helps having them know (esp. my mom . . . TONS of support), but it totally depends on your relationship with your parents, you know? my idiot stepmother knows and is NO help at all (long story), but it's nice to have it all out in the open.

as far as the not feeling hungry, yes, that's totally normal. i think it's some combo between mentally not wanting to eat and physically having a body that is used to some degree of starvation. and then major eating when you do eat a little something is a natural response, because in fact your body's starving even though you don't feel hungry. does that make sense? anyway, i used to do that ALL the time (remember, i ended up with MAJOR binging problems. that sucked) until you can get into therapy (it's awesome that it's only a week away!), make yourself some sort of meal plan that A) is ENOUGH food (really, 2000 calories) and B) consists of foods/quantities you feel comfortable with. i don't know how feasible this is on the road, but do the best you can. make sure you're eating regularly and you'll find that you have more energy, are less tempted to do an overeating session, etc. and just tough it out, girl. you're gonna have help soon (also, not feeling 100% ready to get help is totally normal. sometimes i think you just gotta kick yourself in the butt and do it and then you realize how ready you are and how much you need it.)

anyway, i should really get back to work (apparently me not having much to say amounted to a lot!) really quick (cuz i need a little support today!), i weighed in this morning at 125. i actually feel okay about the number and okay about how i look, which is really awesome. (i know i'm still way underweight, but every pound is gonna be hard to copy with, i think, but this 125 is sitting pretty good with me right now!) here's my issue: on Saturday, i weighed 122/123, which means i've put on 2-3 pounds in 4 days! i'm okay with the 125 now, but if i keep increasing at this level i'll have gained like 5-6 pounds by Saturday when i go into therapy. that's too much for me to deal with in the course of a week. what do i do? do i stick to the meal plan and no exercise plan until saturday, knowing that i may get all the way up to 128 lbs.? do i change something? i'm just confused and really anxious about continuing to gain weight out of control, you know? we're trying to get me to 130 lbs to start with, but i can't handle it all happening in one week! plus, i really can't grasp the idea of going that weight at this point, even though i know it'll probably have to happen eventually. i just feel like my stupid body is going to go out of control and just keep gaining like a pound a day if i stay on this 3500 calories/no exercise plan. help! i need some comforting thoughts and some support and probably some common sense, i don't know! talk to you soon!

 
Old 01-30-2006, 09:17 AM   #12
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Re: Am I not okay?

Joni-
Sorry it took me so long to respond...I've been traveling home and I finally made it! Haha. Part of me is really happy and excited, but another part of me already misses traveling and am getting really nervous about the recovery process that is about to happen...
I've only been home for 2 days and my parents are already really cracking down. I haven't exercised in a while, so I got up this morning at 7:30 to go for a run/walk and my dad drove out in the car and picked me up when he saw I wasn't at the house. I was so mad (and I still feel like it's sort or ridiculous), but I know it was out of concern that he did that. I just don't really think that the answer is to not let me exercise. I don't want to get fat...if I have to gain weight, I'd like to gain MUSCLE, so why is running such a big deal!?!? I think I might go later while he's at work and my mom is out...is that crazy??? I just feel like all I've been doing is eating and NOT exercising...

Anyway, on to you. I know I sound hypocritical giving you advice, but obviously we both know a lot more logic about EDs than we like to pay attention to...haha. First of all, 125 is still EXTREMELY low and if anything you should be HAPPY that you're there. I know it's hard to see the number, but I'm willing to bet your clothes fit exactly the same and you LOOK exactly the same. Trust me! Even if you gained 10lbs at our height you wouldn't look that much different. Stick to your meal plan and don't start restricting b/c that is EXACTLY the kind of behavior you are trying to stop...
You are not going to just keep gaining weight out of control and become a huge fat blob, even though it really feels that way. I promise you. Your body is a very smart machine and it knows what it needs and where it is healthy. It will balance out as soon as it feels comfortable. It's just been starving for so long!!! Feed it!!!

I hope I helped and I hope you are feeling a little better about everything. I'm looking forward to taking my own advice and feeling more comfortable with not exercising and eating more...

 
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