I am so sick of these contradicting feelings in my head! One minute they are at one extreme and the next minute they are at the other extreme.
This morning I woke up and was going to go for a brisk walk/jog, come home and eat a small breakfast, get dressed, leave the house, stop in the car and get a latte at starbucks, then drive up to the airport 2 hrs away to pick up my best friend. I figured we'd get lunch since she was arriving around 1pm.
Anyway, things didn't go according to plan: before my walk I went up to the kitchen and decided to just have a little something before I left. I ended up taking several handfuls of muesli and then several more, and then I realized I practically had an entire bowl standing in the pantry eating it dry! At that point I was so annoyed with myself that I went on my walk to try and forget about it. I got dressed and left the house and still stopped at starbucks to get my latte.
Long story short, after the latte I basically didn't eat anything until right now (5pm - dinnertime I guess) because we didn't go to lunch after the airport - we just drove straight home. I had 1/2 an apple on the way home from the airport and when I got home I was just famished! So I decided to eat an early dinner and I was ransacking the kitchen b/c I let myself get too hungry, obviously.
Here is what I ate:
Big piece of BBQ salmon
3/4 cup LF cottage cheese
1 cup green beans
2 FF kraft singles
2 Rice cakes
Earlier I had the muesli, the medium NF latte, half an apple, and a few pita chips.
SO WHY DO I FEEL BAD? The only reason is because I didn't eat normally and I felt like I was attacking my food at dinnertime. If I would have eaten normally today, even if it amounted to more calories, I still think I would have felt better.
Now I really want frozen yogurt (like I do every single night) and I don't think I should let myself have it. I feel like I would be just going crazy if I did that! I already feel out of control!!
I know I'm freaking out right now for no reason, but I need some grounding. I'm also starting to worry about how I NEVER exercise. I went from running miles a day to nothing. I hate thinking about that. How can I start thinking more rationally!?!?
I think maybe you said it right when you said you probably would've felt better if you HAD eaten normally today. Because you starved yourself, you ended up "attacking" your dinner (even though you know it wasn't too much food), so now you feel bad cuz eating it wasn't an enjoyable, pleasant, "healthy" experience, even though the food in and of itself was healthy. i've done that before too, and i always feel like crap about myself after. i really think it has to do with the feeling of things getting out of control. I feel the most "balanced" and happy when i eat at normal times and i stick to my meal plan. I'm sure that has to do in part with keeping my blood sugar stable and all that, but i really think it comes down to not feeling totally crazy and out of control. i think you really need to strive to stick to the plan, no matter what. You've gotta eat those meals, even if you don't want to or things get in the way or whatever, cuz if you don't, you know you're gonna feel even worse. I have a feeling that's also why you're feeling so bad about not exercising right now. (Side note: with the amount you've been eating lately, you REALLY shouldn't be doing any exercise at all. You're not giving your body nearly enough nutrition to sustain any sort of calorie-burning anything.) So, try to let what happened today go and focus on tomorrow. Stick to your meal plan and try to focus your mind on other things. I think you'll feel much more relaxed, happy, alert, etc. Good luck, sweetie, and remember, we all slip up sometimes. It's the grand "arc" of progress that really matters.
I definitely think that it is a bad idea to let myself get extremely hungry. Today I sort of did it again, and now, as usual, I feel bad. I ate breakfast early this morning, but definitely should have eaten more b/c I was pretty hungry, but I was going to the gym so I kept it light (by the way, first time to the gym in forever). I had a large apple, a nonfat latte, and 1/3 of a banana. In between bfst and lunch I had a few little hard candies and for lunch I had 2 rice cakes with lowfat cottage cheese (1/2 cup) sliced tomato and capers. I then had some blueberries, some dried papaya, and a green tea.
I'm having a big BBQ tomorrow so when I got home I was putting out little candy dishes with nuts and chocolate and the temptation was just too much to resist: I ended up scarfing a bunch of Honey Sesame Cashews and now I feel awful.
See - here is the thing: I had just gone to the Dr. today and she was telling me how I need to gain weight and I was really thinking that I need to stop harming my body and just EAT more, but then when I try and put that into action, all h*ll breaks loose! She meausred my RMR and it was 1350 or something -is that good? And my body fat was 9.5%. The main reason I feel bad about those cashews is that it's late in the afternoon, I'm going to a big dinner with my friend that's coming into town tonight, and then we are going out drinking, and then I have my bbq tomorrow - so many calories lined up for the future!!! It makes me anxious. How do I just let loose for this weekend and enjoy time with my friends and not worry about stupid calories!?!? And is it really that big of a deal to scarf down all those honey cashews? Do you think my body was just NEEDING them or is that a lame excuse?
Here I go again - feeling bad about what I ate. I had a big bbq tonight with tons of old friends and I ended up having a few too many margaritas (oops) and eating more than I wanted to (double oops), but what should the big deal be!? I was with friends, I was having fun, and everyone was happy! But nooo, of course I freak out, go hysterically cry to my mom, and now I feel just horrible for numerous reasons. One, because I ate so much and two, because I didn't enjoy every possible minute with my friends that I could have becasue I was upset over CALORIES.
I can't take ti anymore...i'm so sick of these feelings (as i said before). I'm definitely reaching my breaking point...
hey, i'm sorry it was such a tough weekend for you, hon. you're starting to hate the ED it seems, though, and that's good. it's tiring and it's stupid and it ruins your life (not just you, me too!) i think you're close to the point of wanting to get rid of it, so please, now i urge you to just fight with all your might against your ed. you're done with it, aren't you? i know you don't want to continue feeling guilty and alone and sad and anxious and nervous about every little thing going on in your life. i know you're sick of starving and counting every sugar-free candy and 1/2 cashew you eat and then feeling bad about it regardless of what happens.
so just do it now. commit to getting better. no, it's not easy, but no, it ain't that hard either. it's not like it's a million and a half life-altering changes immediately and you know that. really, right now, all you gotta do is follow the meal plan that you have NEVER actually followed and start being honest with yourself and your therapist. that's it!!! that's all "recovery" means right now - honesty to yourself/your therapist and eating what you're supposed to. it doesn't mean giving up all control, going hog-wild on food, being expected to eat completely "normally" starting today with no support or help and having to suffer the consequences on your own. all it means is following some guidelines and giving in to the fact that you are VERY sick/that you're slowly killing yourself - mentally, physically and emotionally.
so just take this one little step and DO IT. force yourself to work against your mind and stop feeling like crap all the time. eventually, you've gotta just suck it up and i think now is the time. i'm sorry if this post seems a little unhelpful, but i can't really think of what to say/how to say it. i just want you to give in just a LITTLE bit so you can start getting better. so please do it and stop messing around, you know? you and i both know you're gonna feel better. good luck and let me know how everything's going.
I honestly love reading your posts b/c for some reason you always make me see things so much more clearly. Most of the time I already know that I should be doing EXACTLY what you tell me to do, but I just need that little extra encouragement to actually DO it.
I can't even tell you how I feel right now about this weekend. It is making me so depressed thinking about how on saturday night (granted I was a little tipsy) I completely flipped out (in private) about what I ate and was seriously crying hysterically to my mom. It was as if I could not even control it. And I did eat a lot, but it wasn't anything horrible and it wasn't an insane amount. I had a ton of friends in town and everyone was having such a wonderful time at my house and I spent part of the night obsessing over stupid calories! And the thing is, I still feel horrible that I even wasted my time doing that, but I ALSO feel horrible about what I ate still and I wish more than anything that I could go running right now! I feel fat and gross, but I also feel ridiculous that I got upset over what I ate. It's like I'm feeling two opposite things at once!
My mom is really worried - she suggested a couple of clinics (far away!) and I told her there is NO way I am going to an inpatient clinic, let alone an outpatient clinic. I guess I'm considering some kind of outpatient program right now, but I really don't want to have to resort to that.
My DR. gave me the name of this nutritionist that is supposed to be really great, but apparently shes supposed to be really strict,too. She likes to see weight gain almost immediately and is really serious about recovery (I guess b/c shes had a patient die from anorexia before). So I was supposed to call her a week ago, but KEEP putting it off. It scares me. I don't want to go to someone that is going to be that strict with me, but maybe it would be good. I can't tell - what do you think? Should I go to someone who will be more comforting and let me take my time or someone who is going to cut to the chase?
oh hon, i'm so sorry this is so tough right now. i'm glad some of the things i say help though. i really want you to get better (as i know you do too!) and i hate seeing you go through this, cuz i feel myself going through it too. it's so f***ing hard, you know? try to let go (as much as you can) with what happened this weekend. i think your breakdown was actually a relatively predictable thing and probably very healthy for you. just think, you've been keeping this all bottled up, and it's been building and building and finally, it all just poured out. yeah, it stinks and it brought everything right up there on the surface, but just try to focus on feeling like it's all out of you now. you're free of all that pressure and it's not weighing you down as much anymore, you know? also, try to forgive yourself for not being able to have 100% fun with your friends, okay? you did have fun, right? it's okay that you couldn't totally relax, because you're sick. so don't beat yourself up about it if you can. you didn't do anything wrong, you have a TON going on right now, so just try not to feel bad about not being able to just join in the fun and party it up like everybody else. i have events like that all the time, and i always feel so crappy after cuz i wish i had been able to "let myself go" more, you know? but then i try to focus on "well, at least i did it and didn't back out." that thought helps cuz then i realize that i did as much as i could handle at the time.
i'm sorry your mom is so worried (mine was like that at first too) cuz it adds a lot of pressure/guilt, doesn't it? somehow it just seemed to make me feel worse cuz i didn't want to be worrying my mom too, you know? but try not to let it make you feel bad if you can. think of her as a ready-made rock of support you've got any time you need her. that's how i thought of my mom when i was just getting into therapy and although i felt kind of guilty at first for needing her so much, that feeling went away quickly when i realized how much i DID need her. it really helps to just get a hug, a shoulder to cry on, etc.
if you really don't want to do outpatient/inpatient, then i think that's cool. BUT, i do think you need to realize that if you decide not to do these programs, you have to take it upon yourself to commit to recovery. do you think you can do that? can you follow your meal/exercise plans against your will no matter what? if you honestly think you can, then regular therapy is great. if you doubt that you can do that at this time, then i really think maybe outpatient might be good for you. just think, why go on in limbo like you have been - breaking your plan, feeling like crap, but unable to really do anything to make yourself feel better - if you could just get EXTRA support from an outpatient program and feel happier sooner? basically, you'll have to think about it a lot and decide what's really best for you. i definitely understand not wanting to do outpatient, but maybe it's necessary, you know? that's definitely up to you to decide though. i think you CAN stick to a meal plan and stuff from weekly therapy, you just gotta commit. in terms of the super strict nutritionist, YES, i think you should go to her. i REALLY think you need more structure and guidance than you're getting from your current nutritionist and therapist. (ps - i think you should look for a more pro-active therapist too, as this one doesn't seem to be working for you). the way it is now, you haven't changed anything (actually, you're eating less!) since you began therapy and since you met with this nutritionist. this is not good! they should be helping you make progress, not allowing you to just stagnate, you know?
anyways, lots of things to think about, huh? but just try to listen to your heart, talk it out a lot with your mom (especially pros and cons of inpatient vs. outpatient) and trust that you will make the right decision. i'm definitely thinking of you and sending you lots of cyberhugs and good thoughts. i REALLY hate eating disorders lately (mine and others, especially yours!) and i just wish they were easier to get rid of. man, if only we could just "flip the switch," you know? thinking of you!