Ok, another bad day. I stayed home all day yesterday. Usually I have classes on Thursdays but the weather here was so bad that I didn't go. So I stayed home with my daughter. The day started off just fine. I felt ok. Then it started to go down hill after I was starving again just 2 hrs after breakfast. I was hungry all day long yesterday but I ate more calories in all than what i normally do. I obsessed about food all day too....something I usually don't do anymore but used to all the time. I was so crabby with my daughter and that makes me feel like absoulte ****** because I never get to spend an entire day with her anymore just me and her and then when I got the chance all I did was obsess about food and that put me in a bad mood therefore I had no patience. I feel horrible!!!! I didn't weigh myself yesterday but couldn't resist this morning...still 107. I desperately want to lose those 2 pounds to get back to 105. I feel like a cow to be honest. I know 2 pounds is nothing but I serisously feel like I've gained 10. I know it's not fat, only water, but still, it's there! I felt I couldn't be trusted with food yesterday and actually had the urge to binge last night (but I didn't). I haven't felt that way in months!! Why is this happening now? Why is it when I try to let go of my strict eating habits I only get worse? Maybe I wasn't bad to begin with. Yeah, I eat healthy and basically all low-fat stuff, but do make exceptions when we go out to eat or when we have family get-togethers. I was maintaining my weight (a healthy weight) just fine and felt good about what I was eating and never felt deprived or the urge to binge, I didn't obsess about food. This was all not even 2 weeks ago. Maybe I should have just left it at that. I was MUCH happier with my eating, my body, and myself just 2 weeks ago. I think I'm going back to my usual eating habits today. Not being restrictive or obsessing about cals, but eating what I normally eat. Lately I feel like I've been trying to make myself eat stuff I really don't want to eat just so I will feel "normal". But I feel anything but normal.....I feel like crap!! I'm sticking to my healthy eating...without being obsessive with it, and also not too strict with it either and allow myself treats when I really want them, not because I think I should eat them just to feel normal. I just hope today is a better day........
Oh, honey.. I think you really need to see a nutritionist to help you push through all of this stuff. It's really hard to fight all of the eating disorder thoughts and a nutritionist can sort of give you a jumpstart back into recovery.
i'm sorry you're having such a rough time, sweetie! anterrabae had a good suggestion. a nutritionist would be REALLY helpful if you could get into one (even it's it's just for a couple visits). she could help you feel more secure eating the "non-safe" foods, you know?
that being said, is there anything else going on in your life right now? anything that's stressing you out/making you anxious? any major events? you might need to look into this stuff to see why you've been slipping mentally a little lately. they say our ED's come from that stuff, so i think it'd be good to look deep into yourself right now. you might be able to identify what's causing all this anxiety, you know?
in terms of your eating, i kind of agree with your plan. you need to get a little more stable in your mind and if returning to what you were eating a couple weeks ago (as long as you don't start counting calories or get too restrictive) will help you gain confidence, then i think that's a good way to go. (kudos to you on that too, girl! i wouldn't say that to most girls, but you seem to have a good grasp on intuitive eating and responding to your needs and desires. just don't let it get too controlled, you know?) also, i really believe that you shouldn't be eating "junk" just cuz you think it's normal. you should be eating what you want, when you want. and a lot of times, that's gonna be healthy food, you know? however, i doubt anyone's body ever craved "light" ice cream, so part of that IS eating the regular (full fat, full calorie) stuff. if you want ice cream, eat the real thing, if you want carrot sticks, eat the real thing, you know?
my only fear with saying that is that you might just be stagnating with your "comfortable/safe" foods and therefore not making any real progress. loss of control is what is causing all this anxiety, am i right? but unfortunately, loss of control is what it means to recover from anorexia. if you can't give it all up and just LIVE, then the ED is still with you, you know? i think the toughest times, when you're experiencing the most anxiety and frustration, are the times when you are most directly confronting your eating disorder. in other words, in order to really recover, you might have to go through a few weeks of absolute hellish anxiety/nervousness/low-self esteem/etc. because that's what the disease wants you to do. it wants you to pull back when you start getting too anxious, but if you pull back, then you can never beat it down. so maybe you've gotta stick it out and keep challenging yourself and keep fighting. it'll all get easier, i promise!
i don't really know, so don't take anything i'm saying as advice . . . more just like some things to think about. anyway, good luck and keep us posted on your progress. you're really an inspiration and you've come a LONG way, so make sure you pat yourself on the back for that daily!