Reaching my breaking point... - Eating Disorder Recovery Message Board

LS289 · 02-20-2006, 10:07 PM

I'm really reaching my breaking point and I wanted to start a new thread b/c I want all the feedback I can get.
I had a big breakdown this weekend (as I said in one of my other posts) and it made me realize how emotionally draining this problem has become. After eating a pretty normal meal and having an incredibly fun BBQ with margaritas and all of my best friends, I freaked out about how much I ate and left the party for over an hour to cry hysterically. I felt fat and disgusting and like I HATED myself. I was literally crying uncontrollably and I restricted myself (not too badly) the next two days to make myself feel better. My parents still aren't letting me exercise, but I've gone on a 3 mile walk everyday (NOT enough at all b/c I don't even break a sweat).

I am obsessing over the fact that I have not exercised in over 2 weeks and I feel like I am getting fatter and fatter and fatter. My mom, my dad, my brother, my friends...EVERYONE is worried, except me. I just feel like if I lost TEN or even just FIVE more pounds, I would need help, but right now I am just thin and sometimes freak out about exercise.

My mom suggested a clinic in Minneapolis today, but I told her that was ABSURD. There is no way that I would need to do something that intensive for this b/c I am NOT that bad. I just know I'm not.

Today, for example, I should have eaten less to make up for this gluttonous weekend, but this is what I had:
Breakfast/lunch (12pm):
About 1/3 cup Brown rice, about 3/4 cup black beans, chicken, and steamed zucchini, and a few bites of friend's omelette
Coffee with milk
Dinner:
Macaroni and cheese lean cuisine (300 cals)
cottage cheese (3/4 cup)
steamed broccoli and grilled onions
3 whole grain crackers
Dessert:
Frozen yogurt
1 mini mini snickers

Exercise: 2.5-3 mile walk

I know what most of you think I should do, but I honestly just cannot convince myself that I need serious help. I just want to lose a little tiny bit more weight...I feel like I just need to....

Jonistyle2 · 02-21-2006, 10:15 AM

i already wrote back on your other post, so definitely read that one. (This one'll be shorter.)

you've gotta stop. now. you are going to kill yourself if you continue down the road you're on (i'm not exaggerating). how much do you weigh now anyway? i'm honestly suprised you even have the ENERGY to walk 2.5-3 miles given how little you're eating. you are 6 feet tall and young and i'm willing to bet you BARELY surpassed 1000 calories today (which by the way, you feel BAD about cuz you see it as a "normal" amount after the BBQ. seriously, ls.). why are you doing this? seriously, sit down and try to write down the reasons you are doing this to yourself. are there any? is there just one? "to be thin." YOU HAVE TO GET HELP. you are f***ing miserable, you're starving (trust me, i'm as tall as you and i KNOW how hungry you must be with what you're eating), you're lying to everyone around you, you're anxious, you're sad, you're lonely . . . do you want me to go on??? so, why are you doing it?

i'm sure you know that i'm not trying to make you feel worse. but i need you to question and examine if this is all worth it anymore. if you continue to decide that it is worth it to starve and obsess and refuse to even TRY to get better, no one on these boards can help you at all. i'm sorry, but you know that's true.

in the other post, i wrote that i didn't think you needed out-/inpatient. now i'm starting to wonder if that's the only way you'd be able to get better. you've got it REALLY bad right now and it's getting worse rapidly, i hope you can see that. a month ago, you would have viewed what you ate yesterday as "not enough." it ISN'T enough, so you would've been right, but you at least would have recognized that it was NOT ENOUGH food even though you wouldn't have changed anything about it. now, you see that amount as "normal." you even see it as "more" than you should have eaten after a big BBQ (which i'd be willing to bet wasn't too many calories either . . . ) do you see where i'm going with this? your perceptions and feelings about food, weight, body, exercise are getting more disordered daily to the point where now, you are in very serious danger. please do SOMETHING. don't rule out outpatient so quickly. i think you might need it . . .

girlygirl11 · 02-21-2006, 10:40 AM

Look into that clinic. That's all I'm going to say. Everything else I've posted over the months has fallen on deaf ears, so i hope that something someone else says gets through to you. You 'know' you're not but you're wrong- you are that bad. You need help and you need it now. You have a full fledged eating disorder and losing 'jsut a little more' won't make you any more disordered or have any worse of a problem. Look into that clinic and consider others as well.

LS289 · 02-21-2006, 11:24 AM

I'm going to get help...today. I am calling the lady that runs the outpatient clinic and getting an assessment. I can tell that this is starting to really eat away at me and it's becoming impossible to live with.

Can I just tell you what happened last night? Ok - I posted what I had eaten and I thought that was it, but NO...at around 1am my dog woke me up to take him out. I went upstairs with him and while he was outside doing his thing, I noticed an apple pie my mom was throwing away sitting out on the counter. It was a dutch apple pie with the crumbly topping (mmmm). So I started picking at the surface and before I knew it I had eaten almost all the crumb topping off the top!! I felt SO disgusting after that that I couldn't go back to sleep. I tossed and turned and finally just had to get out of bed at 3am and watch TV, do some situps, and paint my nails. I can't stop thinking about it today, either. How many calories do you think those crumb toppings have? A ton I'll bet. I almost wanted to make myself throw up b/c I felt so disgusting but I don't know how to really and I was afraid to.

I'm not going to eat anything today until dinner and I know that is extreme, but I HAVE to do it. I'll get help - I promise - but today just has to be a restrictive day, even if it's my last one. I just can't even imagine my body even NEEDING any food today. It's so gluttonous...

Jonistyle2 · 02-21-2006, 11:36 AM

*********, ls! i shouldn't even justify that last post with a reply, but for some reason i can't help myself. STOP DOING THIS TO YOURSELF. call that woman NOW and stop acting like a f***ing immature child about this. what's the point of restricting and feeling miserable today, huh? please just write down an answer to that question for me. do you want to go out with a real BANG or something? you know you're gonna actually have to eat food, and you're just making this harder on yourself. recovery is tough and you're making it tougher every day you refuse to eat. please just call that woman. there's nothing more i can say.