Do you ever question whether you really have a problem....I mean even though you know something isn't right? I do this ALL the time. I ask myself do I really have an ED? Do I really belong on this board? Then I remind myself how much stress food, eating, and my weight causes me and then I realize that no I'm not normal. I mean I guess it's because I'm no longer super skinny. I'm 5'1" and 107lbs. That's a normal healthy weight for me. I used to be around 90lbs at my worst point when I was eating 1000-1200 cals a day and exercising like crazy. Now I eat anywhere from 2000-2500 cals a day and exercise very little. There are days, like yesterday, I just feel "fat". Those are the times I question my ED and feel like maybe I should really watch what I eat or else I WILL get fat. Then I remind myself that I don't want to go back to that...back to obsessing about food all the time and counting every calorie of every morsel of food I put in my mouth. I've come a long way....and pretty much on my own too. I did go through several counselling sessions, even though I didn't think they were that helpful and the therapist I had didn't even specialize in ED's. There are people close to me that never even knew I had an ED....my fiance for example. I mean he knew I had issues with eating and kept telling my I was getting way too thin, but I never actually talked to him about it and told him I had an ED. My mom I did come out and tell finally. But I don't feel like she is good support since she has an ED too, only she won't admit it like I did. My mom is actually very triggering and I HATE to eat with her. She makes me feel like a pig because she eats so little and I eat ALOT more than her. I mean she's 55 years old, 5'2" and 115lbs. She complains all the time that she thinks she's fat and talks about diets and thinking she needs to go on one. She doesn't realize her age is a huge factor now in how much she should weigh therefore for her age and height she is actually underweight. I can't get that through to her and she always complains that she is tired and has no energy. I just want to scream at her.......JUST EAT!! I mean she can't eat more than probably 1000 cals a day. She also always puts down people that have "put on some weight". Old friends of mine and people we used to know. She makes them seem like terrible people because they "got fat". Being thin is like her biggest priority in life...she values thinness more than anything I think. And for me trying to recover from and ED, this makes it really hard. When I was about 13 or 14 I started putting on some weight because I was going through puberty...it's only normal. Well, this bothered my mom like crazy because I was always this small, little petite thing and then all of the sudden (heaven for bid), I was getting "chubby". Well she tried to make me go on diets with her and constantly put me down for how much I ate. I can still hear her voice...."Everytime I look at you, you're eating!" Those words have stuck with me. I felt like I at times I had to sneak food because if she caught me she would be upset. I mean yeah, I ate ALOT, and basically all junk, but I was young and shouldn't have had to worry about diets and losing weight. I believe my ED stems from all of this. In fact, I know it does. My mom also put me in pageants at a young age and I did them until I was 16. The pageants taught me that looks were everything and I should always be thin, beautiful, and perfect to impress others. That is all pageants teaches girls. To this day I hate pageants. And my mom wanted me to put MY daughter who is only 19 months in a pageant.....H*LL NO!! You know what.......I just revealed so much about where my ED stems from....stuff I didn't even plan on writing.....stuff that just came out and it all has ALOT to do with my mom. I didn't even realize this before. See how much good it does me to post here. Well, that's all for today. If I keep going this is going to end up being a novel. I just need to vent. Thanks for listening!
I find myself question whether or not I have an ED all the time. I always felt like I was making a big deal out of nothing and that I could really stop if I wanted to, but I just didn't want to. I started getting help on my own after only maybe 6 six months where I was really into my ED, so that made me feel even more inferior because if I thought that if I really had one, then I wouldn't want to give it up. And I think it's hard to be at the stage of recovery that you and I are at because the worst of the ED is over, we're pushing our way through recovery.. and then, at least for me, it feels like the ED never happened at all. Did I really have it? Do I still have it?
Well the answer is yes. Even when we are doing well in recovery, I think it's easy to slip, it's easy to start obsessing about food and weight. And I used to believe that it didn't matter if I cut back a little bit on my food.. I could just stay at the level of eating less and I would be fine. That proved that I didn't really have an ED. Well.. a few weeks ago I proved myself wrong. I started cutting back a little and then by the end of the week, the amount of food I was still eating seemed like too much and I wanted to cut back more. That is pure ED, and it really surprised me. When you give a little bit of power to that evil voice in your head, it just wants more. So I know that no matter how recovered I am, I have to stay on guard a little.. I have to be ready to battle back that ED voice.