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Old 03-10-2006, 06:59 PM   #1
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Join Date: Jun 2004
Posts: 937
LS289 HB User
REALLY need some support!

Hey guys,

Just a few hours ago I posted about how inspiring and wonderful "Life without Ed" is and now I'm here feeling horrible about myself once again...I don't understand how my perception changes so quickly.
I thought I was doing well today, but now I just feel bad about myself. Here is my question...I want to know if any of you do this also: There are some things that I have restricted and considered "forbidden" for SO long and I thought it would take me forever to work back up to them. So when I just casually eat them and don't think twice before doing it, I feel bad. Do you know what I mean? Tonight is a perfect example. I would not usually just eat chips and butter toffee almonds casually before dinner, but tonight I did. I ate some chips while making dinner and a handful of toffee almonds and I didn't even analyze it for a long time beforehand. It almost seems worse b/c I didn't. Then I had a steak and vegetables with cheese for dinner...how can I just jump into all of this as if it is nothing? It makes me feel like I've been fine all along...

I had a cup of cheerios and some berries and coffee for breakfast, a turkey sandwich with avocado, eggplant, lettuce, tomato, and sprouts (and only half of a half of the bread), dried mango, and a large fuji apple. As a snack later I had a rice cake, then all those things before and during dinner. It's almost as if I save up all day for dinner or something and it becomes this sacred time. I hate it! It's just DINNER - I need to get over it! Do you think I overate even if I did have chips, almonds, and some carrots before dinner and then a steak for dinner...???
I'm going to have frozen yogurt for dessert too with hot fudge...

 
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Old 03-11-2006, 09:51 AM   #2
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Join Date: Jan 2006
Location: Ga., USA
Posts: 182
dawgfan HB User
Re: REALLY need some support!

LS,

I just posted in your other thread and I had not read this one yet. I'm sorry you're having such a hard time. I totally understand what you're talking about b/c I have done that same thing. In fact, I just did that last night. I went to my parents for supper, and I had totally planned on eating the lasagne, salad, and even bread, so that didn't bother me too bad. But afterwards, I ate like a zillion CHOCOLATE-COVERED strawberries--seriously I ate like 10 (I LOVE those), and then had like 3 or 4 medium sized peppermint patties. Those were things I would NEVER have allowed myself to eat normally. I just ate them like it was no big deal. I HATED myself afterwards though, and am still hating myself today, so I don't feel like I should eat anything at all today to make up for it, but I KNOW that is wrong. One bad night should not mean going back to restricting, you know? I went ahead and made myself eat a slice of toast this morning and drink some milk, and today's not even a day when I'll have time to work out!!

You did NOT eat too much, and not analyzing the food was a GOOD thing. I'm still confused myself about how we were able to eat stuff all of the sudden when we've restricted it for so long (maybe we just sneaked it while ED wasn't looking ), but maybe it was a good thing. I think we need too allow ourselves that freedom, it's got to be good for our recovery in the long run. I'm sure it will take time, and maybe it will just be a little indulgence here and a little there, but it's something I really think we SHOULD do. That also forces us to face some of the painful times that we are inevitably going to have in trying to recover, and the more we face them and get through them, the stronger we'll be. You know, the more I type this and think about what I'm saying to you, the more it's helping me feel better about what I did too. Let's try to be PROUD of ourselves for allowing our bodies to enjoy some YUMMY food for a change!!! We actually deserve it, we really do!!

I think a key for us is we need to give ourselves permission to recover. I know that must sound really, really strange, but I really think that we are almost afraid to get completely better, or to get better too fast. Why? I don't really know--maybe b/c we'll feel like failures, maybe b/c we'll feel like we were fooling ourselves and everyone else and like there was never a problem to begin with and that we might have just made the whole thing up, or maybe we feel like it should be much harder to recover than to just pick up some forbidden food and eat it--I can't answer that question with a definite answer. But it might help to look at it this way: If you saw that I was recovering quickly, or it sounded like I was doing really well and was just all of the sudden able to eat alot of different foods, would you judge me and say "well, I don't believe she ever really had a problem to start with"? I don't think so, and I certainly wouldn't think that about you or anyone else here. I would be happy for you if I knew your recovery was successful.

So does that help at all? I hope so, it helps me some, b/c I really do think that has been part of my problem too. Anyway, please let me know how you're doing.

 
Old 03-11-2006, 12:30 PM   #3
Senior Veteran
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Join Date: Jun 2004
Posts: 937
LS289 HB User
Re: REALLY need some support!

You're so right - if anything, it's good that it is not taking me an agonizing 4 months just to get myself to eat a steak...I guess I'm lucky for that.

You know what my therapist told me the other day and she was SO right on? She said "Did you ever think that maybe you are just too smart and logical to do that?" And I realized that I sort of am. Not to say that I am this incredibly intelligent genius who is above everyone else...I'm not saying that AT ALL...but maybe I just know that what I have been doing is harmful to my body and I am not going to be one of those people who sits at the dinner table and has to have a pea shoved down her throat, ya know? It's sort of like I see that as "stronger," when really that is just ridiculous. We know what we have to do and what is healthy and we are trying to do it - there is nothing wrong with that.

Like your chocolate covered strawberries and mint patties - I think deep down inside you know that you NEED calories and you have been starving yourself for so long and you are just plain sick of not being normal. By eating those desserts you were being COMPLETELY normal and enjoying food and life!! Chocolate covered strawberries, by the way are a wonderful dessert - berries have tons of antioxidants (as does chocolate!) and fiber...not to mention vitamins! And even if they weren't good for you, WHO CARES!!??!? Obviously, we do. But that is what we need to get over! It has been proven that as long as you eat enough healthy things in your diet, there is more than enough room for stuff that has no nutritional value, like candy and stuff. So why is that so hard for us to understand!?!?
I'm really proud of you for eating the toast and the milk this morning, though. In "Life without Ed," one of the things she says is that you're recovering only when you can contradict the feelings you are having internally - like eating breakfast, lunch, and dinner even on a day when you feel fat. Or still having dessert even when Ed tells you you've eaten too much that day....Seriously, you should get this book. I can't wait for you to start reading it!

 
Old 03-11-2006, 01:34 PM   #4
Senior Member
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Join Date: Jan 2006
Location: Ga., USA
Posts: 182
dawgfan HB User
Re: REALLY need some support!

LS,

I know exactly what you mean when you say that you and your therapist think you're too smart for this. That doesn't sound conceited or anything, it's just the truth. We have a tendency to think we're strong and smart for being able to lose the weight and keep from eating, but we have to change that thinking around and realize we are stronger and smarter for being able to beat this!!! You probably are higher on the IQ scale than the average person, sometimes I wonder if that's true of the majority of people with ED's, something to do with that whole "perfectionistic personality", you know? We feel like we have to perfect at everything. I'm sure you were probably always above average in school or anything else, right? I think that's the case with most anorexics/bullemics, you know? We just have to realize, we ARE smarter than this, and we DO know better than to harm our bodies like this.

As far as eating the toast this morning: contradicting that ED voice, that's what it's all about, right? It's a constant battle, that's for sure, and I know I'll win some and lose some, but right now, I feel like I am winning more than "he" is, and I hope the same goes for you.

Please let me know if you need anything, and thank you sooooo much for all of your encouragement, it has helped me more than you know!!

 
Old 03-11-2006, 05:34 PM   #5
Senior Veteran
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Join Date: Jun 2004
Posts: 937
LS289 HB User
Re: REALLY need some support!

It's true - almost everything I've read about people with eating disorders says they are more of the Type A personality: smart, logical, perfectionistic...etc...Everyone I've come in contact with on these boards fits this description, as far as I can tell.

It's weird - in my head, I feel stronger if I restrict and have COMPLETE control over my food, but when I am around people like that I feel annoyed and uptight - no one likes to be around someone who can't just relax and have a good time!! I feel like my friend who can just walk up and order the meat lovers pizza simply because she WANTS it is stronger than someone who restricts and controls, you know!?

I'm glad what I said helped you - you're helping me so much, too!

 
Old 03-13-2006, 09:35 AM   #6
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Join Date: Jul 2005
Posts: 524
Jonistyle2 HB User
Re: REALLY need some support!

hey girls, i really like this thread. i think i can relate to it a lot, although i don't really have much to add. (so i guess i'm just typing for the sake of typing!) i completely relate to the shock and confusion you're going through right now. it's like, "what?!? i've been restricting this FOREVER and now i can suddenly just eat it like it's no big deal? what the he**?!" fortunately, i think that's actually very normal. for me, it was never as much about certain "bad" foods, it was always just about total calories. so in other words, i would eat pretty much ANY food (ls, remember the Ho-Hos? lol), but i would NOT under any circumstances let my total calories surpass a certain number. i remember when we first started increasing my calories it seemed so EASY for me to do. my body and mind didn't really have a problem eating more every day, but then all of the sudden i was like, "What?!? Why in the he** don't i have a problem with this? i'm gonna get fat!" so then i was stuck (mentally) in this weird sort of limbo where i didn't know how i felt about it. did i feel good cuz i was able to so easily eat more? or did i feel bad because this just didn't seem right and recovery should have been more challenging? i think somewhere in here lies a difference between what joanna was saying and what ed was saying, you know? joanna felt okay about it, ed was questioning away and chipping away at that feeling, trying to make joanna think it was "wrong" or "strange." (i haven't given that last bit much thought, but it might be something to think about more. i really think it ties in with this situation.)

anyway, contemplation aside, i think it's pretty normal to experience this and i think the best way to deal with it is to just "go with the flow." sure, you'll still question it a lot, but try to just accept the weird feelings you have (ie: feeling okay about it all) and keep on moving. try not to dwell too much and, as dawgfan said to me a while back, "keep on keeping on." also, definitely something to talk about it therapy. maybe therapists understand what actually causes these feelings.

in terms of people with eating disorders being "smarter than the average bear," i think that's true. or at least, i think i've heard/read it somewhere before. so i guess, kudos to us! although i'd rather be a little "dumber" and not have to fight this monster, you know? anyway, that's all i've got (for this post at least!) I hope you both have a wonderful day!

 
Old 03-13-2006, 02:28 PM   #7
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Join Date: Mar 2006
Location: california
Posts: 6
ns64 HB User
Smile Re: REALLY need some support!

hey LS, i know how you feel. recently i have been dealing with anoerxia and bulimia. i have been starting my recovery and having problems eating food without feeling bad. i have talked to my mother and ther family members about my problem and have even consulted a therapist, but i still can't eat my regular food. i try to eat healthy,but i even feel bad about eating that stuff to. i'm always here if u need someone to talk too! good luck!
ns
Quote:
Originally Posted by LS289
Hey guys,

Just a few hours ago I posted about how inspiring and wonderful "Life without Ed" is and now I'm here feeling horrible about myself once again...I don't understand how my perception changes so quickly.
I thought I was doing well today, but now I just feel bad about myself. Here is my question...I want to know if any of you do this also: There are some things that I have restricted and considered "forbidden" for SO long and I thought it would take me forever to work back up to them. So when I just casually eat them and don't think twice before doing it, I feel bad. Do you know what I mean? Tonight is a perfect example. I would not usually just eat chips and butter toffee almonds casually before dinner, but tonight I did. I ate some chips while making dinner and a handful of toffee almonds and I didn't even analyze it for a long time beforehand. It almost seems worse b/c I didn't. Then I had a steak and vegetables with cheese for dinner...how can I just jump into all of this as if it is nothing? It makes me feel like I've been fine all along...

I had a cup of cheerios and some berries and coffee for breakfast, a turkey sandwich with avocado, eggplant, lettuce, tomato, and sprouts (and only half of a half of the bread), dried mango, and a large fuji apple. As a snack later I had a rice cake, then all those things before and during dinner. It's almost as if I save up all day for dinner or something and it becomes this sacred time. I hate it! It's just DINNER - I need to get over it! Do you think I overate even if I did have chips, almonds, and some carrots before dinner and then a steak for dinner...???
I'm going to have frozen yogurt for dessert too with hot fudge...

 
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