KStorts

Okay, I have been down the road of eating disorders in the past. I thought I was passed them. It started when I was a teenager with anorexia. My parents soon caught on that I wasn't eating and because I was so afraid of them I started eating again- but it made me feel sick to have food in my stomach, so I started throwing it up to feel better. Then they stopped paying attention so I started doing both. Friends of mine caught on to the anorexia thing and told my guidance counselor who then sent me to a school psychologist- he looked like my dad so I was afraid of him and only met with him once and never went back. Luckily they never told my parents, otherwise I may have been kicked out of the house. This continued for a while. Somewhere I found easier more convenient ways to hurt myself (cutting and drugs), I think this is where the eating disorders stopped. When I became pregnant with my first child I went into a depression and was suicidal after I had him. I gained TONS of weight (90lbs) while I was pregnant. I ate all the time, even when I wasn't hungry. I would force myself to eat. I have always had issues with diet pills and excessive exercising. I am now afraid to go on diets because when I do I get carried away. It becomes a contests for me. I tried weight watchers and was allowed like 25 points or something and I would see how few points I could eat in a day. I was a failure if I ate all 25 points I was allowed.

I lost half of the weight after my first son, not from trying though. I am still overweight but cannot seem to do anything about it. I feel like I deserve to look like this. I don't know if I am just simply lacking the motivation to lose weight, or if I still have a problem with food. I keep thinking I could just go back to throwing up- but I have been there and I remember how hard it is to stop that. Plus, I remember all of the problems it caused with reflux and stuff. I also keep thinking I could just go back to taking all the diet pills, but I did that a few weeks ago and got a really bad headache from it. I sit here thinking I want so badly to exercise, but then I will eat a crapload of candy, the whole time thinking that I don't really want or need it. Somewhere I am thinking I deserve to punish myself with it. I also can't help but think that the time I put into exercise won't give me the results that I want, so I feel like there is no point.

Part of me thinks that I do this because I am afraid to lose weight. I was raped when I was a teenager (I am 26 now, this happened 10 years ago)and I think I feel safer this way. As long as I look like I do I will not be a target. I almost feel genderless the way I look.

I realize that I do have a distorted body image (mainly because my husband says I do) but I can't get passed how I see myself. I just don't know what to do with myself. I want to lose weight, and sometimes I feel like the only way to achieve my goal is by finding another way to punish myself with food. But like I said, I don't want to go down that road again. It is just so frustrating.

I have been to counseling. Not for ED's though. But I just don't know how they could help me. I mean, I am not even sure this is one. I think I am probably just a pig. I am just really frustrated with myself and as much as I think that I am not going to force myself to eat the next time food is around, I do it anyway. I eat way more than I need to, most the time I am stuffed after eating.

I don't exactly know what I am looking for by posting this. I am sorta venting I guess, and wondering if anyone is having the same problem I am. I hope I am not being inappropriate by posting this on and eating disorder board. I mainly posted it here because of my problems in that past with eating disorders and because I am afraid of slipping back into them.

I am also having a hard time with a comment a therapist made to me a couple months ago. I had mentioned to him that I wanted to lose weight and that I was afraid to go back to bullemia because I was afraid of my husband finding out (which is true, I don't want to get him mad, it would cause trust issues between my husband and I) and my therapist said, "If you really wanted to do it you would find a way of doing it without your husband finding out" Maybe he was right, but that just sounded like a challenge or something. I tell my husband everything because I feel like I am lying to him if I don't. So, while I could do this w/o my husband finding out, it would eat at me. I would need him to know I was doing it regardless of what he though about it (I did this with the cutting, he knew, and got ****ed everytime I did it, and adding a eating disorder to it would send him over the edge- I have pretty much stopped the cutting though)

I hope this hasn't sounded like I am considering starting my bullemia up again. I really don't want to, I just don't know what to do. *sigh*

Sorry this is so long.