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Old 05-30-2006, 07:53 AM   #1
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LS289 HB User
I'm having a hard time

Hi Girls!
How was everyone's long weekend!?!? I was in Palm Springs and it was GORGEOUS! One of my friends' friends has a house out there so we stayed there and just laid by the pool and ate all weekend. Soooooo, now that I am back I am feeling awful. I feel like I have gained all this weight and I am a big blob. I didn't exercise, I ate, I drank...I just feel gross.

The truth is, I was more restrictive than anyone else there and I definitely didn't eat very badly (I think I just FEEL like I did), but I weighed myself when I got home and the scale was up. And I actually didn't exercise at all for only 2 days b/c I went for a jog yesterday as soon as I got home. But then last night at home I even ate a big dinner and this morning I ate a big breakfast. I just feel like I can't stop and I'm out of control! I had steak with portabella mushrooms, salad, cauliflower, and some rice for dinner and this morning I had a bowl of cereal with 1/2 cup lf cottage cheese and berries.

I had to sign this weight contract and exercise contract at my outpatient program last week - I am supposed to do no more than 2 hrs of exercise a week and I have to gain 1-2 lbs a week or else they refer me to a "higher level of care." I'm so confused though. I WANT to gain weight b/c there is no way in he** I am going to a higher level of care, but I also am still so terrified of gaining weight!

Should I just try to continue eating normally today and not compensate? That is what I need to learn to stop doing - compensating when I really don't need to.

Hope you're all having a WONDERFUL day!!

LS

 
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Old 05-30-2006, 09:16 AM   #2
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cryingskies HB User
Re: I'm having a hard time

hey hun, i know how you feel, i really do. I'm right there with you, going well I ate this and this and this today so I need to either just not eat tomorrow or work out enough to make up for it, But you're right this is the "behavior" that ur trying to get away from. I just got done with my inpatient treatment at the beginning of May, and believe me inpatient is not a fun place to be, I will never tell neone that, but its not "the end of the world" either, it is a place to get urself together enough that you can take care of urself and deal with all the thoughts and feelings when u come out. Dont worry so much about if they are going to put u inpatient from ur outpatient program, just think and try to get thru this minute........dont try to even take it a day at a time, break it down.......dont think about it as ive got 3 meals i have to eat today, but when u wake up and get to breakfast just think of it as I have to get thru this bite........take it one bite at a time.....take baby steps hun....but keep going ur doing really well....dont give it up right now...
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peace and love
Chrissy

 
Old 05-30-2006, 01:07 PM   #3
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PinstripedBabe HB User
Re: I'm having a hard time

Hey ls!! It sounds like your doing great!! and no, DO NOT "COMPENSATE!!" that would be giving in to those ed voices that you should be fighting. Keep telling yourself that your doing the right thing by following your meal plan and your getting HEALTHIER which is the most important thing in the entire world!! I know its like the hardest thing to do right now but just fight through it. ive expierienced the same thing over and over again and ya know what, in the end after fighting through, you feel sooooo much better! hope this helped :-) !

 
Old 05-31-2006, 08:26 PM   #4
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LS289 HB User
Re: I'm having a hard time

I'm still pushing. I know I can beat this thing and I will NOT give up. Now that my true personality has started shining through again and I am having glimpses of my former self, I have to have it all. I want my life back!!!!

Dawg, where have you been?
Joni, where have you been?
Don't everyone leave!!..........haha
LS

 
Old 05-31-2006, 08:34 PM   #5
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texascowgirl8 HB User
Re: I'm having a hard time

i LOVE your positive attitude... your words from here has helped me stick through the fact that i really do want recovery... use the higher level of care threat to your advantage to push you.... if you know you DONT want to go IP then do what you need to do to keep yourself out of there! you can do it! i see the determination in you

 
Old 06-01-2006, 04:22 AM   #6
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sunshine18 HB User
Re: I'm having a hard time

LS,

I hope you realize you good you're doing! But I do understand your struggles. I think since your determination is there you'll be able to continue doing what's best for you...and you know what that means!

I agree with texascoxgirl, the threat of higher care should be to your advantage...let it be your motivation to NOT compensate/overexercise/engage in any ED behaviors.

Good luck!

 
Old 06-01-2006, 10:55 PM   #7
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Re: I'm having a hard time

My weight contract is definitely motivation not to exercise/restrict/or do anything to sabotage my weight gain, but it is still really hard to follow my meal plan without feeling terribly full and terribly guilty.
Tonight I had dinner at the Outpatient Clinic - big, cheesy quesadillas with guacamole and salsa. I don't typically like cheese (or maybe my ED doesn't like cheese), so I never eat quesadillas. I don't even remember the last time I had one! And you know what - it was delicious. We had to eat 100% of it (as opposed 90%, as usual) and I was excited that we were forced to do that b/c I WANTED it all. I still feel really bad right now about having had that for dinner, but I enjoyed it. I can't understand where the disconnect comes in. It was delicious, it was satisfying, and I wasn't overly full...so shouldn't I feel great? Any normal person would? But all I keep thinking about is cheese, cheese, cheese, fat, fat, fat, tortilla, guacamole, cheese, fat, fat, fat!

I know I sound really discouraged right now, but I'm not. I'm actually doing really great with everything. I have STOPPED weighing myself, I'm following my exercise contract and limiting time at the gym, and I am eating more freely. The most amazing part of it all is that my personality and spark is coming back! I honestly feel 1,000 times happier than I did just a month ago.

But all that being said, I still have my struggles, like dinner tonight. And it's hard, too, because I STILL do not see myself as too thin. I am honestly a fine weight (to ME). The other underweight girl in my program (the rest of them are bulimic and of normal weight) said she was trying to follow her meal plan very precisely, but then admitted later to having had a Lean Cuisine for dinner. Those have no more than 300 calories in them!! There is no way in he** that would meet my meal plan and so it definitely wouldn't meet hers! Part of me is jealous of her. She's a better anorexic than I am. But another part of me thinks "Well, she's just sicker and is going to take a long time to get healthy, and I'm going to restore weight and move on to bigger and better things." That thought lasts for about a second, though, and then I'm comparing how much of the dinner she's eating to how much of it I'm eating. Compare, compare, compare. That's all I do. I hate it.

 
Old 06-02-2006, 12:16 PM   #8
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PinstripedBabe HB User
Re: I'm having a hard time

o, ls i totally can relate with comparing comparing comparing..and i HATE IT too! one of my friends says that she anorexia and yesterday she told me that she went out to dinner. then when she got home she pulled out her calculator and then hopped on the tredmill. she made it sound like she was being superior. Like "haha ima better anorexic than you." and i got really mad and i thought to myself, i dont know about you but im trying to get better and lead a healthier lifestyle. so whenever you start comparing, think "me compared to you is healthier!" i dunno i hope that helps, it helps me some times.

but yea, im so happy for you about the feeling 1000 times better thing! i have some days when i feel 1000 times better too, but then there are others when i feel like blehhh...just awful! but on the days when i do feel better..its like, YAY me again! i just wish i felt that way ALL the time. it just really sucks sometimes.

 
Old 06-02-2006, 04:11 PM   #9
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Re: I'm having a hard time

You're exactly right.
Yesterday when I was in with my therapist I told her how I go bananas if I find out someone hasn't eaten. Even if it's my brother or my dad or someone I'm not even "competing" with, per se, it bothers me. If my brother comes home from playing golf all day and says "Man, I'm starving. I haven't eaten all day." That is an IMMEDIATE trigger for me. What!? You haven't eaten and I've eaten breakfast, lunch, and snacks!?!? Eat, Eat, Eat!!! It's like I can't stand being one step ahead of anyone else. Or behind - whatever you want to call it.
BUT, I'm starting to change my thinking and say "Lauren - STOP. Why would you be jealous of someone who skipped lunch if you didn't?! They are just going to be starving and binge later and you had a healthy sandwich and your blood sugar is stable and you are energized!!!!" Ya know?

Anyway, that is my 2 cents on the subject that I started - haha. I am so hypocritical sometimes, but not intentionally. I really do try to practice what I preach.

I am NOT weighing myself and it feels great!!! (Although I am SOOO curious b/c I feel gigantic)....

 
Old 06-02-2006, 05:20 PM   #10
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Re: I'm having a hard time

I'm back! And i've missed you all SO much! Sorry i haven't been around lately, but i've been absolutely crazy-pants SWAMPED at work (my primary posting time, lol) so i haven't had time to write anything. i've been reading, sort of, but i've barely even had time for that. i do have a general idea of what's been going on with ya'll though, and i feel like everybody's keeping a positive attitude and fighting, which i LOVE to hear. especially you, ls (my girl!), i'm REALLY happy to hear what's been going on with you lately. you just SOUND happier, you know? i can tell you're feeling it and recognizing how GOOD recovery can be and it makes me just feel relieved to see you really making some progress. all those new "rules" (having your family help, limited exercise, no scale, etc.) seem awesome. i really think that's what you've needed all along -- structure. this thing is too tough to beat without it, you know? anyway, i'm really glad to see you're sticking to all the guidelines and fighting through the bad feelings that Ed brings up, you know? you're doing really GOOD, girl!

i've been doing okay lately, not great, not terrible. a lot's been going on, but i'll try to recap somewhat briefly. i've had a lot of "big" events lately -- out to eats, BBQs, camping weekend, etc. -- and all went pretty well. all of that stuff still makes me SO nervous though and i feel like i'm always still fighting the "Ed" voice telling me to just stay home and never do anything at all. do you girls get that? i fight it, just saying "no" and going on with the plans, but i can't say i actually WANT to do these "risky" situations, you know? it's like deep down, i still just want to stay home where it's "safe." it's frustrating -- when is it gonna lighten up a little and i won't have to argue with Ed (and myself) to convince myself to go out to eat, etc. i know it'll happen and the day will come when someone'll say "do you wanna go shopping all day and then out to dinner?" and i'll be able to say "sure" instead of fighting the immediate impulse to say "HE** NO!!!" but i want that to happen NOW. or at least not be such a struggle, you know? so that's been tough with all this "activity" lately, but i'm still fighting it. i just wish it wasn't always such a FIGHT against that voice.

my weight? (ta da!) i weighed myself today and i was 130 (finally!) do i feel good about it? eh, sort of. actually, i feel bloated and FAT because my period's coming (probably in like a couple hours, ugh), but i've been fighting those "fat" feelings all day and winning like 85% of the time (not too bad for period day, lol). i'm a little confused on the weight thing though and here's why.first of all, i'm recognizing that it could be period weight. secondly, we just had a MAJOR heat wave in chicago (like 90+ and HUMID!) and my stinkin' 3500 calorie meal plan dam* near killed me. do you girls sort of naturally "lose" your appetite in hot weather? i (and i SWEAR this isn't Ed talking) REALLY do, so eating all that was basically like binging. it was horrible. i was sweating, bloated, belching (ick!), swollen really bad in my legs. i felt like CRAP basically, but i just stuck to it despite the heat. anyway, here's why i'm confused: one week ago, i was 127 pounds. now, all of the sudden it gets hot out and i gain 3 pounds in less than a week?!? can this happen or do you girls think it's something weird like water retention? (i have been getting REALLY swollen in my ankles, knees, tummy, etc.) i know i'm probably being stupid, but i'm really weirded out by this and i don't know how i feel about it. given my history of EXTREME difficulty gaining weight, i basically feel like my body has just "betrayed" me and ballooned up like a big fatso (just like stupid Ed tells me it will). i'm really struggling with this! do you think it could be real? and if so, why did my body just do that all of the sudden? my weight gain has been SO slow and SO tedious, how on earth could it suddenly speed up like two million times expontentially? (and yes, i'm sort of freaking out, so some advice/words of wisdom would be of help, lol) it just doesn't seem right, you know? BUT, on the happy side, i feel pretty okay with how i actually LOOK. actually today, i feel quite bloated, but YESTERDAY, i felt really GOOD about my body. yeah, i'm "softer" if you will, but i'm still THIN and HEALTHY and i still look BEAUTIFUL in my eyes. i just keep telling myself this and it's actually working pretty good. but that 3 pounds in like 5 days thing is REALLY getting to me. why? how? huh?!?!

anyway, i gotta go, but i just wanted to tell you all that i've missed you and i'm back now and we are gonna fight to win this war! hurrah!! (that was my rallying cry, lol) have a great night everyone!

 
Old 06-02-2006, 11:31 PM   #11
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dawgfan HB User
Re: I'm having a hard time

Hey LS, Joni and everyone else!

Joni,
Just wanted to respond to what you said really quick: Of course the sudden weight gain is due to the heat. Think logically for a second---there are 3500 calories in one pound. Do you honestly think you had 3500 calories MORE than the daily amount it requires for you to just maintain your weight? Just think realistically about how many calories per day it would take you to gain just one pound. There is just no way you gained 3 real pounds in less than a week. I know your meal plan requires that you take in a whole lotta calories, but still not enough to gain that much that quick.

Anyway, still don't have enough time to post all I want to say, but just wanted to say that to you cuz I wanted to try to help you feel a little better if I could. I'm so proud of how well you and LS are both doing. Keep it up!!! I'll "talk" to you both again soon.

 
Old 06-03-2006, 05:29 PM   #12
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Re: I'm having a hard time

Yay!!! I was so excited to hear from you, Joni, and you, too, Dawg. I feel like you girls have been MIA!!
I've had a lot less time to come on here, too, because I just got a part-time job working with little kids this summer! It's absolutely perfect b/c it gives me structure, it's FUN, and it is flexible enough that I can still go to my outpatient clinic 3 times a week. I'm so happy!
Seriously, I can't even explain to you how well I'm doing. I have been eating well, going out more, and actually feeling like myself again. That's not to say I don't still have a hard time with everything, but I definitely feel like a change within me has taken place and I am more committed than ever to my recovery.
Because of that, however, I am having a hard time figuring out where my weight is. I know it can't be up THAT much (and I am trying my hardest not to weigh myself), but I FEEL gigantic.

And Joni, I totally know what you mean about having to sort of FORCE yourself to go out and do things. I hate how I feel that way most of the time. It's like I constantly am battling what ED wants to do and what I know I SHOULD do. The most important thing is, though, that you are not letting ED win. You may want to stay home and not go to the BBQ, but you go. You may want to eat safe foods and not worry about scary camping foods, but you go camping anyway. You are doing awesome! And soon enough it will be unfathomable to stay home alone and miss a social event with all of your friends. It will be comfortable, safe, and fun. I already feel that way about certain things and I know you do, too. Remember when going to a restaurant was HORRIFYING!? It may still be a little uncomfortable, but can you believe you really feared it THAT much?

And about the weight thing - I TOTALLY agree with dawg. I hope it is real weight (b/c 130 is still not even where you need to be!!!) but obviously there is no way it is. And you kown what, if it IS, so what!?!? You are healthy, beautiful and you have been deailing with this dam* thing way long enough.

Anyway, I have to run, but i wanted to just post those comments to put you at ease. I hope everyone's doing well!! Talk to you soon,

LS

 
Old 06-04-2006, 02:01 PM   #13
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PinstripedBabe HB User
Re: I'm having a hard time

Hey everyone i just got home and ive been reading everything..

Joni-about the weight thing..the weight was NOT real weight. promise! it was really hot where you are so think, did you drink alot more water than usual? that could have made the scale go up. was it your period? it could have been anything. thats why i never look at the scale because when i wake up the morning, it will say one thing and then at night after i've eaten and drank everthing for the day, its like 4 more pounds. then i go to sleep and wake up in the morning and its back to the lower weight. so yea, dont even worry about it. but GREAT job on the 130! keep going!!

so ive been reading about the whole scary feelings when going to an event and boy can i relate!! ive been doing really good lateley though! like the hershey trip, i wasnt even gonna go because of the "bad foods" and no excersie but i totally fought those feelings and went and had a great time. i have my dance recital next week and my friend asked me today if afterwords we could go for ice-cream. immediatley i thought, UH-OH!! and i was trying to find some excuse but then i just said to her "definetley!!" and im gonna go..im sick of ed telling me no. but i mean, its still hard to like, look foward to the events. ya know what i mean. like, i always used to be so excited for ice-cream with friends over the summer. now i practically dont even care for those events anymore. hopefully ill get those excited feelings back.

 
Old 06-05-2006, 02:27 PM   #14
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hubby HB User
Re: I'm having a hard time

LS Ihave know idea what you are going through.I'm new to EDs But you sound like your going in the right direction. stick with it. The fact that you try to help other people with this sickness tells me you are a beautiful person.Thanks for the help!

 
Old 06-06-2006, 01:54 PM   #15
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Jonistyle4 HB User
Re: I'm having a hard time

hey girls, thanks so much for your kind words. you all are right, i'm sure. sometimes i think i need to make sure the ol' "logical" brain is still workin', you know? what you all said really gave me a lot of comfort though, so thank you!!

i've been having a pretty good week/weekend so far. had a really productive therapy appointment on saturday where we talked about all sorts of stuff and she helped me see that i'm really "on the fence" right now in terms of recovery. what i mean by that is that i don't hate my body's appearance, but i don't quite LIKE it either ... i'm on the fence. i feel like i can/should push myself in certain situations, but then i either do and feel a little funny/confused or just back down and don't "push" and stick to my plans. i don't really know if this all makes sense, but i can tell i'm making good progress with recovery right now ... i'm just in this really weirdo place for the timebeing. i think i'm right on the brink of a break-thru, honestly. you know how you can just feel that stuff? all of the sudden, everything feels a little different in your life, a little goofy and then BAM! all of the sudden a whole bunch of stuff changes/happens and you come out of the whirlwind like, "whoa! what was that?!?" anyway, i think i'm there sort of. like something's coming ... we'll just have to wait and see what ...

i'm sort of rambling, but mainly just cuz i haven't posted in awhile and i just wanted to let you all inside my late-in-the-afternoon-want-to-leave-work-now brain. (work, by the way, HAS calmed down, thank God!) on a more tangible note, guess what i ordered at my out-to-eat last night??? a cheeseburger? oh yes i did! WITH fries, not "veggies" (which was an option on the menu). and it was so f***ing good, seriously. the fries were not so good but that burger ... man! life is made for burgers like that and it ain't worth living without them, lol! so anyway, i felt REALLY good about that, especially cuz it tasted SO good, you know? so that was my fantabulous night last night and i wanted you all to know.

have a great afternoon/evening and i'll talk with you all soon!

love,
joni

 
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