Hello everyone! I haven't posted in awhile but I just wanted to give you a little update. I just started a new job this week. I'm working in a hospital now doing phlebotomy (drawing blood). I like it so much better than my last job. I HATED my previous job, it was a nightmare and was really hard on my stress levels and therefore also ED. I love being in the hospital setting. I'm going to be an RN so it's great experience also. I've only noticed one problem so far this week. It seems as if everyone I work with is on a diet. And I'm always watching what everyone else eats at lunch, either in the break room or cafeteria. I notice people that are quite a bit bigger than me and taller are eating ALOT less and it makes me feel like a complete pig. I have gained a pound this week which doesn't make me feel much better. I feel like a cow and I've been all bloated too. But I'm wondering if the extra pound isn't because of an increase in activity because I get ALOT more exercise at this job. I walk miles around the hospital everyday. But back to my main point, why do I compare myself so much to everyone else??? I was eating lunch in the break room the other day and the other new girl was in there also. She's taller than me and just a little bit bigger and she was eating a small baggie of wheat thins, a banana, and a piece of string cheese for lunch. That made me feel like crap about what I was eating and I seriously felt like restricting, but I didn't. I also have a friend that is a size zero, she's so tiny. I wear like a 5 now. And I compare myself alot to her too. She just doesn't eat much at all and skips meals and has admitted that she's scared of gaining weight. I wonder sometimes if she doesn't have an ED too. I've even found myself wishing I could be a size zero, but then I remind myself that when I was a size 1 I looked like crap and felt like it too. I mean I'm short and small framed but I'm just not meant to be that small.
One very very positive thing I would like to add is for 2 weeks now I have not counted calories!!!!! That is such a HUGE step for me. I'm so proud of myself for that. That may be why I'm also a little more anxious right now and comparing myself to others alot. But I'm not going back to counting!! It's just so nice not to think about how many calories I've eaten a day and how many I can eat for my next meal or tomorrow. I've probably been taking in a little bit more and I have been eating things that I don't know how many calories are even in, but the freedom of it all is just so nice! Like at my new job people bring in alot of sweet treats that are just so yummy. And I've been eating it too (little pieces though) but still I used to never touch things like that. There is a nurse in ER that brings in all kinds of treats. My first day she brought in a delicious cake and the other day she made homemade rice crispy treats. I've also noticed that more and more I've been going by what I truly want to eat instead of what I think I should eat. Not always without guilt though, that part I still need to work on a bit. It's a big step though. I'm feeling more normal now. The comparing thing is the biggest thing that is bothering me right now though. I feel like I do it way too much and I know that I shouldn't. I'm sure most of you can relate. How do you stop yourself?
Anyway so there's a little update. The good and the bad. Overall I would say I'm doing pretty good. I just need to stop comparing and feeling guilty.
first i want to say a huge WELL DONE not having counted yr calories is a major achievement i shud know, for the last week and a half i am doing the same working on instinks etc yet i am confused cos i think i may be developing compulsive exercising but for the moment the huge relief and release that i can finally allow myself foods that others class as healthy is big achievement i think the comparring could simberlise a similar desire to mine to actually want to cope like others and ur wish to change i still struggle to understand how others can eat what they can at the mo i am trying to lose weight but my achievement is it isnt destructivly i want to do it constructivley and some1 said to me i ma an expert on loosing weight but i relplied not safley, and cos i feel i am actually being healthy then i am not comparing as much though my issues r slightly differnt but i understand how heartaching it is to not fill like others if u learn to accept yrself and know why u r eating and be happy with what u r having ur less likely to desire to have others take care and i mean it well done
piscean, first of all, i want to remind you how personally proud i am of your progress. (lots of "p's" in that sentence, lol!) seriously though, i have SO much respect for how far you've come and how hard you're still fighting. and not counting calories? way to go, babe! seriously, you are doing REALLY well and are an inspiration for all of us.
this comparing thing is really tough and if it's any comfort, know that we ALL suffer from that problem. i don't know that i have any great advice cuz it REALLY bothers me too, but i think you just need to have confidence in yourself and your decisions. like, for example, there's one of those "naturally super skinny" (for real, i don't think she has an ed) girls at my work, but it REALLY bothers me cuz she hardly eats ANYTHING. seriously, everyday she'll have a packet of oatmeal for breakfast, a lean cuisine for lunch and maybe pretzels for a snack and THAT'S IT. that's like 600 calories tops! and here i am eating 3500 a day. i wrestle over and over with, "she gets to be skinny and hardly eat, why can't i???" but here's the thing -- first of all, i'm prettier than she is. so i remind myself of that. (lol) second of all, she's got a sit around all day, never do any healthy physical activity lifestyle. can anyone say LAME?!?! and finally, what am i comparing myself to??? do i honestly WANT to eat her measely little poo diet? heck no! i LOVE food and feeling nourished. i think lean cuisines taste like crap. and eating what she eats, i'd be miserable not only cuz it tastes like crap and is boring, but because i'd be STARVING. so i try to find the confidence in myself (easier said than done) to say "i want to eat this much. it makes me feel good, healthy and happy. and maybe she doesn't mind this "diet" to be skinny, but i CHOOSE not to do that."
does this make sense? i think it comes from an inner confidence that even though others are "dieting" and eating measely, untasty foods, YOU choose not to do that cuz A) you don't need to and B) you don't want to. everybody in my office (even 25-year old men!) eats lean cuisines all the time and it DOES make me self conscious about how much i eat for lunch (and breakfast and snacks and treats and ... sigh ... lol!) but then i have to step out of the situation and remind myself that what they're eating tastes LAME, what i'm eating tastes GOOD, AND it's healthier for me and better for my particular needs. hope this helps a little at least. just keep reminding yourself that you don't WANT to "be skinny" and all the ed-crap that comes along with that goal, you CHOOSE to be happy. good luck!
The story of my life!!! Honestly, Piscean, I don't think this ED would be half as hard to beat if comparing didn't exist. I compare myself to anyone and everyone...size, food intake, exercise, you name it. And it drives me CRAZY. Like Joni said, you have to realize that you are completely different than they are and your goals are completely different than theirs, too. The women who are larger and eating smaller lunches than you are are probably on some diet rollercoaster b/c they can't shed the extra weight and can't find a balance between what they need and what they want and they most likely go home and binge at night b/c they are so starved and unsatisfied by what they eat during the day! I'm serious! I've been going out to lunch with friends more often lately and it really sends me into an inner frenzy when they order a chicken salad with dressing on the side and I'm not allowed to do that (or just plain don't want to!) You have to use intuitive eating using both your mind AND your body. It's just as important to satisfy your mind with a craving as it is to satisfy your body, you know?
And you need to remember where you came from. You are recovering from an eating disorder! You NEED to be more consistent and conscious of your food and you NEED to be eating good, solid meals. I truly believe that anyone who doesn't do that right now will fail in some way shape or form b/c their body will just go crazy from eating wheat thins and string cheese (or oatmeal and lean cuisines, Joni). You are NOT fat, you are NOT going to gain weight and you cannot compare yourself to anyone else but Piscean.
I am so proud of you for not counting calories!! I have not been reading ANY nutrition labels and so I can totally relate to that "free" feeling. It's incredible. I'm staying away from the scale, for the most part, too. I actually weighed myself today for the first time in a week or so and I really shouldn't have done that. The numbers really throw me for a loop.
Anyway, you sound so happy and I am so elated that you are doing so well in your recovery. Trust me- you are not the only one that struggles with this comparing thing and feels like you are eating more than every single person around you. It especially bothers me when I eat more than GUYS, but whatever. If it works, it works. Everyone's body evens them out one way or another. That person might just become famished later on and scarf down a bag of chips mindlessly while you are more stable, you know?
Hope we helped! Let us know how things are going..
PS- so happy you like your new job! that is so important!!