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Old 06-28-2006, 02:12 PM   #1
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Please help me. First ever 'admission' of my eating disorder (long post)

Hi all

I have been reading this board for some time and have been amazed at the help and support you all give each other, and needless to say, I would absolutely appreciate some support myself

Ok, where to begin. I have had issues with food for as long as I remember. My sister was anorexic when I was 10 and I think this did not help as I remember even at this age feeling hugely fat next to her (I wasn't remotely fat). My mum has yo yo dieting all her life, she either eats a few pieces of toast a day or eats all day long, yet she always remains over weight.
So in my childhood I either saw my mum eating huge meals, or giving everyone else a normal meal and her only eating the vegetables on something. So as you can see, I have never really seen a *normal* eating patter

Anyway, back to me. I have had issues for as long as I remember but I will concentrate on the last 2 years as that is since I have been the worst - since giving birth to my little boy. Being pregnant felt such a relief to me, it felt like I finally had an excuse to eat so I really did and gained 56 pounds!!! As soon as I had him though I was OBSESSED about getting back to my weight and as a result I was back there within 6 weeks of giving birth - hardly ate and made myself quite ill. I got back to my normal weight which is where I am now...Ii am not underweight..which I feel confuses my issue to me. Apparently I am very slim

Ok, basically my whole life, world and thoughts are controlled by what I am eating, what I am not eating, what I weighed when I first got up, what I weighed after I go to the toilet, what I weigh after a meal, what I am going to weigh the next day, who is eating more than me, who is eating less...you get the picture. Another example is that I am a bridesmaid in August and I don't think about all the good things about it, I think about how fat I am going to be or look, or if I have a slim day what I will look like. A good day for me always starts if I am 'light' on the scales... a bad day if I am heavy. Because of my constant bad eating habits my weight fluctuates HUGELY...by about 7 pounds. Because I binged hugely last night, this morning I weighed 7 pounds more than I did the day before that.

To everyone else, I don't appear to have an eating disorder (except my sister as she knows about it all too well). I am a normal weight, and I eat happily in front of others and seem perfectly happy. What people don't see is what goes on behind closed doors. For example, if I know I am going out for a meal with friends it can go one way or another. I can either not eat ANYTHING for 24 hours before so I will eat a proper meal (so then no one would know) or I can think "well, I am going for a meal and will gain weight, look fat anyway, so I shall take advantage and binge just before too".
I have days when I don't eat a thing (to me, a good day), days where I eat 3 meals a day (but that messes my head up and I end up overdosing on laxatives), days where I congratulate myself for not eating anything til 3pm....but then comes a huge binge in the evening, days where I will eat but make myself sick afterwards...the list goes on, I do EVERYTHING. I don't seem to have either anorexia, bulimia etc, I seem to have a big miserable combination of all of them

I am constantly upstairs looking at my stomach in the mirror throughout the day..if I eat a big (or is it normal?) meal I think my collar bones are not sticking out as much as they did before. I am a slave to my mirror and how slim/fat I look

I run alot too, have run marathons and love it, i run competitively but also use it to fuel my eating disorder

I have a terrible problem with bloating. If I eat 'normally' my stomach gets so bloated and uncomfortable. If I have a good day and don't eat, it looks concaved! Is this down to what I do to myself?

My main reasons for wanting to stop this is for my little boy. Like I say he is only 2 and I do not believe he sees what goes on but I want to stop before he does.
Secondly, I just want this nightmare to go for me...its no life :-(

The only thing is, the thought of eating normally TERRIFIES me...it feels like I will loose control and get massively fat...is this normal? My sister siad what I will see later on is that I am OUT OF CONTROL now, and will be in control when I am eating normally... is this true?

I have quite a few questions:
-- is this an eating disorder even though I am not underweight?
--will the doctor laugh at me if I tell him this because I am not underweight?
--Is my huge weight fluctuation down to what I do?
--Is my bloating down to what I do to myself?

I also have an issue because I just don't know what normal eating is.... I don't know normal portion sizes..I don't know whether it is 'normal' to say eat 1 sausage roll or 3... I haven't got a clue

I just need some help, but don't know where to turn :-(

Today has been a bad day for me and I feel so disgusting I want to cry :-(

Last edited by mumof1; 06-28-2006 at 02:16 PM. Reason: to add a bit more

 
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Old 06-28-2006, 02:50 PM   #2
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nikki2006 HB User
Re: Please help me. First ever 'admission' of my eating disorder (long post)

WOW. Mumof1.. i so could of wrote that post! i so hear you on almost everything!

i was never really around normal eating as i was growing up either. mum was always on a diet. she always looked good. then around fourteen i would come home from school and eat and eat and eat and then throw up.. that went on for a while until i got found out and my parents asked me to promice not to do that, so i stoped and started but then eventually stoped althoghter for fear of being found out again. i would hide food instead. throw my lunches out on the way to school, skip breakfast and feed the cat my dinner.. well years have passed and i thought i was doing good but then like you, i got pregnant and used it as a reason to be able to eat and like you, eat i did! then once baby was born came that dreaded task of loosing weight . that was nearly four years ago and that hold cycles just goes around and around. I get bloated too if i eat a "normal" amount.. i look at that and i think fat! and it freaks me out. so then i dont eat for a day or so.. for as long as i can basically to get rid of it..of that feeling. im only happy (ish) when there is nothing in my stomach and the scales are being good to me. wow, i just saw so much of myself in your post and although i dont have any great peices of advice i wanted to tell you that you are definatley not alone!!!

 
Old 06-28-2006, 05:20 PM   #3
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ScreamingSoftly HB User
Re: Please help me. First ever 'admission' of my eating disorder (long post)

Hi-You definetly have an ED. I was like you also, I didnt think it was possible that I had an ED because I wasnt underweight even though I did every thing that someone with an ED would do. But just like ED's come in all different forms and variariations so do the people who have them. Your doctor would definetly not laugh if you told him, and I think you should. Good luck!

 
Old 06-28-2006, 09:15 PM   #4
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ThisIsJess HB User
Re: Please help me. First ever 'admission' of my eating disorder (long post)

I really do feel deeply for you. I hope that everything turns out alright. I definitely feel that you need to talk to your doctor because an eating disorder really doesn't have that much to do with your weight. If you eat way too much or not enough then that is an eating disorder. Your doctor will be nothing but understanding of that. Good luck with your recovery, you sound like a good person who deserves a happy life.

All the best,
Jess

 
Old 06-29-2006, 02:06 AM   #5
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mops41288 HB User
Re: Please help me. First ever 'admission' of my eating disorder (long post)

Hello mumof1.

Your post sounds so much like me in many ways its scary. I have days where I either binge or restrict. There seems to be no "normal" days for me and I tend to be an all or nothing person. Like you said if I know Im going out to eat with friends I either eat nothing for a day or just binge because I know Im gonna look fat and go over my calorie limit anyway. I have days to where Im lighter on the scales. I get like a kinda high when the numbers on the scale drop and see my stomach look concave but because Im starving Im not happy. My weight can fluctuate as much as 7 lbs after a binge which makes me freak and feel real depressed. I then take laxatives to make me "feel better" and make myself sick with that. This leads to me restricting again then the whole cycle starts all over again. its wonderful to know Im not the only one who notices when I eat larger meals I think my collar bones (or sholder blades) are not sticking out as much as they did before. I also have problems with bloating when I try to eat a normal meal and notice that my stomach expands when I do this and isnt as flat as before. Its really quite depressing and I dont know what to say since Im dealing with the same thing myself and cant handle it. Im in tears right now because of a binge I had an hour ago and Im really beating myself up about it. But I just wanted you to know your not alone. Im sure you will get great advice and support from these boards

Last edited by mops41288; 06-29-2006 at 02:11 AM.

 
Old 06-29-2006, 02:06 AM   #6
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sumi HB User
Re: Please help me. First ever 'admission' of my eating disorder (long post)

Reading your post reminds me of how I think and act. I too have a nine and a half month old little girl and know so well how you feel.
First of all let me tell you that you are not alone. Welcome to these boards and know we are all here to help.
Like you I had an older sister who was not anorexic but overweight and my parents spent all their time and effort trying to help her loose weight and overlooking me altogether. I have had issues with food since I was about 11 years old. I remember hiding chocolates in the school bathroom and eating them alone so nobody would see me and tease me.
The only thing I can say is try to get rid of your scale for one. It becomes such an obsession. I used to weigh myself in the morning, after coffee, after lunch, before dinner, after dinner, with clothes, without clothes. It would dictate my mood for the entire day. And then I realised how unfair it was to my baby girl. I don't want her to grow up with issues like mine. It's not healthy and not fair. I know its hard in the beggining but its the best thing you can do for your own sanity.
The other thing I got rid of were laxatives. Although the last two days I binged like crazy and took a ton of laxatives last night I have to admit I haven't done so in a very, very, long time.
Normal eating is different for everyone. I don't know what "normal" means to you, I haven't found the balance yet. Still searching....
But as far as the bloating goes I think you should look into IBS (irritable bowel syndrome) which is what I have from abusing laxatives. I think if you figure out what bothers you and avoid those foods you won't have issues with bloating. I know that if I have certain foods my stomach kills me. One of those foods is ***** sweet or anything with aspartame.
Try not to focus on the wedding in August, try and focus on one day at a time. I find it easier that way so I don't become to stressed. If I do well on one day then I try to do the same the next and see how long I can do it for. One day at a time.
Seeing a therapist is not a bad idea. Do it for your child, he deserves to have a mommy who is better and happier.
I hope this helps, a little.

 
Old 06-29-2006, 07:43 PM   #7
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case1 HB User
Re: Please help me. First ever 'admission' of my eating disorder (long post)

hi, it is so amazing by your post how many of us are out there with the same problem. i to started obsessing about my weight after my daughter was born and that was 12 yrs. ago. i am never happy either a)because i am restricting myself so much b)i can't enjoy my family or fun outings like to dairy queen, mcdonalds, camping, trips, etc c)or if the scale says even 1/2pound higher than the day before i flip out. i too am miserable, so finally after much pleading from my mother i talked to my gyno yesterday at my annual visit. i think she sensed a problem, because i am thin for my height right now(but i like it), so i told her exactly how i feel, and i told her i didn't think i had an actual eating disorder because i do eat, and i nver binge,purge,etc. she said i do have a problem, anything that interferes with your life and your thoughts so much is not normal. she told me to see a psychiatrist who specializes in ed, but i told her i do not feel comfortable with that, i would feel like i had a stigma attatched to me, so she said how about a nutritionist? i agreed to that even though i don't know how they can help, i feel like iam am destined to live like this forever, but maybe you would feel more comfy talking to your doc, mine was very caring and supportive and will refer me for help if i want it. you are not alone!! case

 
Old 07-31-2006, 12:54 PM   #8
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bling HB User
Re: Please help me. First ever 'admission' of my eating disorder (long post)

i so could have written this post too! thank you for helping me realizing that im not all alone out there. that there are those who act perfectly normal in public but might not have it all..you know.
like you i obssess about how i look. almost everything you described in your email is the same...the way we see ourselves based off of what we ate or didnt eat. how we compare, the cycles we go through, our moods based off of food. its amazing how simliar our situations are to each other and others that have posted. so now, at the same time, we can all fight ed together as well! give each other encouragement along the way.. i know im gonna need it. thank you again for reminding me, im not alone in this. take care of you..

 
Old 07-31-2006, 07:53 PM   #9
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acutee2 HB User
Smile Re: Please help me. First ever 'admission' of my eating disorder (long post)

I started running to help my weight go down when I was anorexic. then I grew to love it. This was my first post that no one answered but I had a similar mix of bulimia and anorexia. please read it.

I am over 200 lbs but under 300 (thank god). And I'm a older teen. I have strungled with over exercising since middle school. It go worst in high school when I lived on the west coast and everyone pressured me to be fit. Then sophmore year, in December, I got really into it, a handful of lettuce for lunch, half hour exercise in the morning, 4 mile running in gym class, and two hours of exercising very late at night. Then on my b-day(!), I got stomach pain and final April 5th 2005 I got my gallbladder out. Junior year I started at a new school in the southern east coast and had a hard time fitting in at a mostly black school (I'm white) and was sexually harassed by another student ( he ask me to have sex and give him blow jobs, then tried to physically force me too!!!) and I was very stressed with three honors classes and the lead in the school play. This cause me to have pain again and develop upper-ibs. I vomit every day now and am on lots of meds. I had to drop out of school and am now taking three missed class online to make up.

Throughout this whole time I struggled with food. For a while nothing stayed down so I would go weeks on half a bagel. Then things would stay down so I would binge on all the food I missed. Next I figure out that if I ate certain foods or large amounts I would natural vomit (before this sometimes I would vomit for hour so I learned to stick my fingers down my throat to get it to go faster).

I was at my physical worst in december the weeks of Christmas, New Years, and my b-day. I was pale, could not sleep, couldn't eat, hard wierd vision, lost 66 pounds since my over 300 lb weight during my summer bingea nd purge fest when I was recovering form my gallbladder surgery, and my hair was falling out. My dad decided to put me double doses of vitmanins and a vitman d pill, because he saw I looked healthy during the summer between sophmore and junior year (I really b/p-ed all the time but no one knew). I b/p-ed for a week and then went ana again and stayed that way until July. The week before the forth I had to eat because I was at a theatre camp and I didn't want any one to find out (even my therapist). Then I started bingeing, then laxatives, then b/p, and now I'm half b/p and half ana. My therapist found out and since I'm not visually that ana or b/p (I didn't tell her how bad it really is for me), so she just said and I agreed, that I needed help, she said I shouldn't go to a clinic or see a specialist I should try celebrate recovery and maybe find a support group.

I guess I'm pleding for help and advice on what to do to get better. Like what did you do and how did it work, or do you have any suggestion for me?

Has anyone had an ed after a trauma (moving, sexually harassment) or a major health issue (like gallbladder failing or ibs)?

Is there a group I could met with (online or in person) for support?

Should I seek medical help ie a hospital, clinic, or maybe just more therapy and a nutrutionist?

Please, please, please respond with anything you think may help.

Love to all those suffering too,

acutee2

Well maybe this was helpful.

Acutee2

 
Old 08-03-2006, 02:49 AM   #10
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cfrances HB User
Re: Please help me. First ever 'admission' of my eating disorder (long post)

Hello: I am not a mother - maybe if i had gotten control of my eating earlier, I would be a mother, do not know. like many people on this thread I had an obcessive mother also - and similarly, if even less reality-based, i thought if there was no perfect situation for child bearing (meaning a perfect weight) no child would come along - and 'lol & bhold...

So, the marathon, that's great. I hope you are okay. I read there's generally a death every year in marathons - in fact, here in San Francisco this week a 43 year old male died - and he was said to be in perfect health. Maybe he had a 'hidden secret' about food, you never know.

Good luck. I've battled every food disease that was made available to me. I still over exercise, but believe in other things as well now (vitamins, check ups, nutrition labels, all the things I used to skip over, or be completely unaware of - but i still step on the scale backward at the doctor's office, but people are aware of idiosyncratic behaviors and are even grateful i am honest about my problem(s)....very much wish u luck...there's never a good time to get better i guess.

 
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