Ive reached a new low... - Eating Disorder Recovery Message Board

mops41288 · 08-09-2006, 08:15 PM

So Ive been restricting again for the past week and was doing okay I guess. I know its bad to restrict but emotionally I was doing pretty good. Then yesterday my mom invitied me to Souper Salad, this all you can eat place. I didnt really want to go but she talked me into it and since she doesnt know about my ED it would be weird if I refused to go. While there I felt okay, of coarse ED was on my mind but I just focused more on the company of my mom rather then the food - since eating infront of others makes me nervous. When we left ED was screaming at me I felt to guilty! I felt so full (which really bothers me for some reason) I mean what I ate was not that bad, mostly small servings of different pasta salads, bread sticks, and a small sliice of pizzia and other random things but it was waaay more then what I would eat on a normal day. Then this morning I felt TERRIBLE! So bloated, gross and I just felt FAT! I told myself Im not eating until dinner but then around lunch I was hungry again! How could I be hungry after eating 2 plates of food, a cup of soup, and a small ice cream?? I then made a ham and cheese sandwhich and felt so guilty then I did the thing I never thought I would do. I tried to make myself throw up. Being my first time it didnt go so well and I just got very tired and sore so it didnt do much. I cant believe I let myself get so low. I hope it never happens again. Right now I still feel that extreme fullness from yesterday, if it were up to me I would skipped dinner tonight but my family was around (which is probabily a good thing) I guess the being "full" thing is what really gets to me. I cant believe "normal" people actually like this feeling. I just hope tomorrows better I'll try to put this all behind me and not restrict. Thank you for reading

bling · 08-10-2006, 10:09 AM

im sorry ed is making you feel this way. but i know exactly how you feel too. ed screams at me everytime i eat too..even if its less than what most "normal" people eat. like you, i had to go to dinner the other weekend. i was dreading it all week. i ended up eating many of my unsafe foods and boy did i hear it from ed the next two days. i felt just terrible. i wish i could offer some suggestions on how to get ed thoughts out your head, but all i can give you encouragement that we have to be strong and try not to listen to them. your not alone in feeling like this, and one day, we wont have to beat ourselves up for eating normal meals. try and stay strong, dont give up and take one day at a time. i just keep thinking, one day, well be free of ed thoughts... one day!

big hugs!

binkster · 08-14-2006, 02:41 PM

Quote:

I cant believe "normal" people actually like this feeling.

I KNOW EXACTLY WHAT YOU MEAN!
I feel like I should only eat when I'm hungry because in my mind, that makes sense. I cant believe that people go sit and have a huge meal, even if they felt satisfied before hand?
Do normal people actually feel full all the time? DAMN if thats so, then I hope can finally get used to it.

tallycat · 08-14-2006, 07:11 PM

I am constantly amazed at normal people's ability to eat so much and not freak out about it. I'm not sure I want to be that way...it really holds me back sometimes. I use a food plan to structure myself, but going out to dinner is still...scary.

artjen · 08-14-2006, 07:54 PM

oh gosh...I can relate! When I first started recovery, a little over a year 1/2 ago, I felt the same way. I went to a nutritionist weekly and I constantly asked her "do normal people feel this way?" Do normal people have to eat all this food? And they just do it without thinking? I hated it. I hated the full, uncomfortable feeling. I wanted to do it gradually, like a little more each day or something like that. Well, she said that part of recovery is that I would have to feel full and feel uncomfortable. I was used to eating a bit and then stopping when I thought I should stop. She said that I would need to force myself to eat past when I would normally stop. I would have to feel uncomfortable. Also, if I hadn't reached my calories after dinner, then I would have to drink an Ensure drink AFTER eating dinner and feeling full and uncomfortable. I hated that!!!! But, I slowly noticed myself feeling better, more energetic and more stable. I gained the weight very slowly and ended up only gaining 10 pounds. She said that in the beginning I would feel uncomfortable but that the new pounds would evenly distribute themselves, if that makes sense. I just filled out a bit all over. And the ten pounds aren't even that noticeable. But I did notice that I had to get over that "hump" before I noticed myself feeling better. It is so easy to try to start eating more and slip right back into the old ways. I still have to fight it all the time. I have anxiety that escalates when the anorexia is in full force so that helps me to keep on eating! I feel more normal when I eat and I know I have to do it. I don't even mind the dreaded Ensure drinks anymore. I still compare myself to others. I see thin people and think why can't I just do what I want? But I know I have to do it because I will just get sicker if I stop eating. Anyway, thanks for letting me put in my thoughts! I love reading yours.