Time to face the music - Eating Disorder Recovery Message Board

lizharlan · 08-14-2006, 08:05 PM

Hi. I'm new to this board. I need to face the fact that I probably have an eating disorder and right now this seems to be the easiest first step.

To begin with, medically speaking I am obese. It is a medical term and fact for me based on my height and weight and BMI. There is no avoiding that. About six years ago I actually lost over 50 pounds and got down to a healthy weight. I did it so I could have children. I have two beautiful girls - and now I am 75 pounds overweight. I am involved in a weight loss program. It worked wonderfully the first time around. This time it isn't...

I am sabotaging myself. I actually managed to lose 15 pounds and right now I am in the process of gaining it all back. In the last few weeks I have once again found myself binge eating and hiding food. I'll buy a box of Swiss Rolls and eat them all in a day. I hide when I am eating them. The really strange thing is the last time I did this, my husband was in the house and I was worried he would walk in on me. This made it all the more thrilling! Now I know that can not be healthy.

Tonight I told myself it would be one last binge and then I would get back on track. So, I downed a double cheeseburger and medium fry and shake from McDonald's. Then I ate a four pack of Reese Peanut Butter Cups and an extra large Snickers bar. All in the car while I was running errands without the kids or my husband. I didn't really want to do it, but I felt compelled to do it.

I am in professional counseling for a series of other problems including depression and emotional abuse as a child. I briefly mentioned my concerns about my eating to my therapist several months ago, but I couldn't bring myself to admit how bad things were. Things seemed to get better for a while (like I said, I lost 15 pounds and started eating healthier), but over the last 3 to 4 weeks I have been spiraling out of control again - worse than before. There have been so many things to discuss in my therapy that it has been easy to ignore the eating disorder. I know it is probably tied in to a lot of my other issues and it is critical that I deal with it.

So, here I am, admitting that I probably have an eating disorder. Why here when I have a therapist? This is a test run for me. If I can do it here, maybe I can admit it to my therapist. I can no longer chalk this up to just plain old stress eating or something like that. It is out of control and I need to get help. This is my first step. I just needed to share.

Thanks

MANNO · 08-15-2006, 08:45 AM

Hello and Welcome lizharlan-

First, let me say that whether you realize it or not you are so brave for admitting you have an eating disorder. That is the first step. Sounds like binge eating disorder. You need to talk to your therapist about this ASAP. You are right, this obsession with food is affecting every aspect of your life. Maybe you and your therapist can get to the REAL issue here because I can promise you it is not food. You probably feel comfortable here on this board expressing just how out of control you are because we all have messed up food issues. I know exactly what you mean about the "one last time" binge. I have done the same thing and boy would I go out with a bang. Atleast two fast food meals and about 20 dollars worth of junk from the convenience store. You need help and believe me if this was about will power I would have already been cured. Please keep me posted and you are in my prayers.

God Bless You

MANNO

tallycat · 08-15-2006, 09:28 PM

Oh I understand so well, I have a hard time talking to people about things but doing a 'test drive' of the words on forums really helps me rehearse saying it out loud. I know it's a difficult thing to share with your therapist, but they can help you so much with the emotional and addictive problems that the food is linked to. It's hard but I know you'll feel so relieved to share this with someone.

rag_doll · 08-15-2006, 09:44 PM

Hi Liz,
I just posted before you. I am in the same boat. I used to run, and bike, and play ball, and now, if I can walk uo 5 steps, I am ready to die. Just hearing you talk about my problems makes me realize I am not the only one. It truly helped me have hope, by reading your post!

Jonistyle4 · 08-16-2006, 08:21 AM

Hey, i think it's great that you did a "test-run" here. I remember that it was really hard for me to even take that step, so i really respect the fact that you're recognizing the problem and able to admit that you need help with it.

i definitely think you should talk to your current therapist about it. don't be ashamed and don't be so hard on yourself about the disorder. eating disorders are just that: "disorders." they are not a representation of you as a failure or a "pig" or a loser, you know? try not to feel embarrassed about it (and yes, i realize that's hard to do cuz you feel like some sort of freak.) but just try to take comfort in the fact that you are NOT a "freak" in any way. you are sick, very sick. it's the same as other disorders -- depression, obsessive-compulsive disorder, etc. you wouldn't look at somebody suffering from those illnesses and think they're weak or freak-ish or abnormal, would you? just trust that your therapist is going to understand (better than the average joe) the depth of what you're fighting against. and don't beat yourself up too much. you WILL be able to be happy and healthy -- what you're going through now is not an indicator of your ability to be healthy, you know? you've just gotta beat out this sickness first.

good luck and definitely keep coming here for support. i used to have some major problems with binging and there's a lot of girls still actively fighting those urges, so we can offer some suggestions and things to try out as you recover and over come it. thinking of you and wishing you the best!!