feelingfatandtired

Hello! My real name is Denise and I'm fairly new to these health boards. I have never posted in this topic section, but have posted a few times in the Thyroid Disease section because I am Hypothyroid.
Anyway, when I was a teenager, I was extremely depressed and suicidal-and probably borderline anorexic, though I was never diagnosed officially. I had so many problems then that the anorexia may have gotten lost in the shuffle since I was never drastically underweight.
Anyway, my whole life I have been thin, or if I felt I was too big, I could easily lose the weight by going for a few days without eating. It was no big deal to me. I've never been a big exerciser, though I guess I was probably more active when I was younger.
In my mid 20s, I went through a period of about three or four years where I had very little money because I couldn't hold a job due to my psychological problems. As a result, I became very mal-nourished and began passing out and feeling sick all the time. I was very proud of how thin I was though.
I eventually was able to get on disability for my Psychological problems, which gave me more money to buy food with. After so many years of feeling deprived, I went crazy for many years and ate whatever I wanted and in very large quantities and the weight started creeping up. About three years ago, I found out I was Hypothyroid which makes it very hard to lose weight. I am still on medication for depression and anxiety attacks, but lately, I've begun obsessing about my weight again. I don't know exactly how much I weigh because I'm afraid to weigh myself. I think I was 148 when I had my thyroid levels tested about 4 months ago. I feel like I must've gained 100 pounds since then (I know I really haven't, but it feels like it).
So now, I am on the other end of the weight war. I can't lose the weight no matter what I try and I can't seem to stop eating.
I go through this cycle where I'll do very good for a few days or even weeks and lose a few pounds, then I'll start feeling deprived and eat a whole pint of Haagen-Dazs. I also repeatedly have failed at my attempts to make myself exercise. I just can't stick with it.
I have dreams about taking a knife and cutting all the fat off of my body like you do with a piece of steak. I think I'd probably go completely nuts and become suicidal again if not for my boyfreind, who is very supportive and tells me he loves me no matter what. In some ways, it was easier before because I had no one else to worry about. If I wanted to die, it didn't matter to me what anyone else thought. But I could never hurt him that way. I really don't want to die anyway, I just want to lose some weight. My life is really the best it's ever been, except for this weight thing. I seem to have become obsessed with it. It's all I think about all day. I usually force myself to go all day without eating and then I binge all night. I've thought about throwing it up and even bought some of that syrup they give you to make you throw up if you've swallowed poison, but I haven't used it yet. I know how dangerous it is and I know that once I start down this road, I may not be able to get off of it. I'm really scared because I don't know what to do. I've done some very stupid and dangerous things to myself before when I was desparate, so I know what I'm capable of.
Sorry this post is so long, but I wanted to give some detailed background, so my problem would be understood better. Any advice would be appreciated. I feel like I'm losing my mind--again.