out of control - Eating Disorder Recovery Message Board

Persophone · 05-08-2001, 05:25 AM

Well I have been doing worse lately I guess... funny thing is everyone thinks I am doing better because I seem happier, more active etc... For those of you who remember I was able to lose 13 pounds in about 3 weeks and sadly I was/am very proud of that accomplishment... people said "wow! how did you do that" and I told them the truth I ate 500 or less calories a day and continued my moderate exercise routine....treadmill, rollerblading, weights... Anyhow.. I did get alot of negative comments such as...."well, that won't work you will never be able to keep it off and you will gain it ALL back plus more" My answer to that is "I have the willpower and discipline to do it in the first place then I will have the willpower and discipline to maintain it"

But now I'm afraid they were right.... I am finding myself not able to just not eat anymore....I am always hungry and worse...I know I am eating even when I am not really hungry.. I will sit down to eat a bowl of cereal and end up eating 2 huge bowls and then feeling sick because I ate soo much and I am sure that 1 bowl would have been plenty. I feel like I am out of control and just can't eat like a "normal" person anymore.. Well, it gets worse because now I have gone back to purging.....I know how bad it is...I am terrified every time I do it... I even know that it is "healthier" to just not eat but I don't feel like I have any other options once I do eat too much....I can't just let 2 bowls of cereal sit in my stomach... I have tried but then I feel worse because then I tell myself horrible things like "you are a fat pig and out of control, etc etc" at least when I purge I feel like I have a second chance at trying again....

Sorry so long. sigh

Rachel
PS..I am sorry I don't respond to many posts I do read them almost everyday it's just that I am in a place that I don't feel like I can offer any help or advice because I am not doing well myself

Persophone · 05-08-2001, 06:10 AM

I forgot to mention something else... I know this will sound really sick but it is a constant thought of mine and I guess I am wondering how unusual it is...

Whenever I sit down all I can think about is the fat roll I can feel on my stomach... I am so disgusted with it because the rest of my body is in decent muscular shape that I often have thoughts of taking a knife and just cutting it off....then calling 911 and I figure they will come and "sew me back up" and I would be fine and it would be a way to finally get rid of the fat. I won't really do this but I can't stop myself from thinking about that alot....mostly when I am sitting and can feel the fat roll...

Rachel

Running Queen · 05-08-2001, 07:48 AM

Rachel-
I know how you feel! I am in the recovery stage of my eating disorder and I have also forgotten how to eat "normally". I have no appitite and I don't know when to stop sometimes. So what I do is put food on my plate and only allow myself to eat what is on it. No more, no less.
Good Luck!

Love, Jen

Persophone · 05-08-2001, 02:53 PM

Jen that is a good idea but I just don't believe that I will lose weight if I eat. I think I have really hit bottom today...I went to my weekly therapy session (I have been going for awhile for general depression issues even before my eating problems started) and the first thing he said to me today was "Your face looks fuller" well...of course I burst into tears and he might as well have said you look as fat as you feel. I know I need help now and I plan on maybe switching to someone who is more sensitive and educated on eating disorders

Rachel

Running Queen · 05-08-2001, 07:44 PM

Rachel-
I am also self-conscience about my face getting "fuller". But it all comes with looking better. I promise, a full face lookes better then a skeleton. Trust yourself.

Love, Jen