I know it is starting to get bad. - Eating Disorder Recovery Message Board

crosslea · 05-18-2001, 07:49 AM

I keep up with the board everyday but I usually don't post, but today I am. I have been fighting anorexia/bulimia for almost 7 yrs. I helped myself recover when I was at my worst because I didn't like living like that. But over the past few months different emotions and feelings of depression have sparked my eating disorder. I am fighting it or at least trying but It is starting to take over. I have been binging the last week with a couple of purges.
The problem is that today I ate breakfast and was going to eat lunch and then dinner and had it all planned to use laxatives and b/p tonight. I just finished breakfast and I feel sick to my stomach and want to purge...but I am at work and I have never done that before..... I just got back from the bathroom. I am so embarrassed.
I know I should get help and I am not in denial but I I am not ready to get help b/c I have always been the fighter and never let it beat me. I think my selfesteem is so low right now, but most people don't see it b/c I put up such a good front.
Thanks for any help or ideas.
Tricky - We can be recovered but like you said it is always there lurking for an opportunity to come out.
Good luck and God Bless everyone.

Running Queen · 05-18-2001, 07:56 AM

Sometimes it's hard to admitt that we need help. I am also a very proud person and it was hard to say that I had a problem and needed help. But I am sure that you don't like living your life this way. There are people out there that would love to help you. Please find them and get the help you deserve! God bless!

Love, Jen

Emilia · 05-18-2001, 06:23 PM

It is really great that you have helped yourself recover when you were at your worst, which just proves that you can make it through this, and eventually overcome your ED. No one should have to go through this alone, everyone could use a little support and help from someone else. Maybe what you need is to see a therapist or doctor? Seeing them would not mean you are not a fighter, because clearly you are! You are able to maintain where you are right now, but maybe just need a little extra help from someone who understands you to make it all the way there. I suffered from anorexia for only about 1 and half years, then "recovered". I never saw a therapist or doctor, but I really wish I had. Mentally, I am no where near fully recovered, I still count calories 24/7 and pay way too much attention to food. My friend Jenuine suggested a therapist, and although I don't look anorexic, I am going to have sessions with her to help me fully get over this ED because its the most annoying thing in my life! Anyway, I guess what I'm trying to say is maybe you can just try some professional help, and also you should be proud of yourself that you have come to terms with your ED and are not denying it. That is a big step! You pulled yourself out of the worst of it, so you surely can get over it and be healthy again!
Emilia

Jenuine · 05-18-2001, 06:23 PM

Dear Crosslea,

You know, before I sought professional help, i thought just like you. I had always been a fighter, never ever letting anything hinder me from achieving. I guess i really was a perfectionist. I overworked myself to the point where people were telling me to stop cuz they were knew i would burn out. But i didn't think i would...I wouldn't let that happen, not me! I'm a fighter! heh...I burned out. After years of overworking and over-exerting myself, my body and mind just collapsed. that's when things really got rough on me...so rough that i resorted to suicide. After that incident, i knew that I could not fight this on my own.

What i'm trying to say is that anorexia/bulimia is a POTENT bug. It leeches on to you, and no matter how much you try to kill it, it only eventually kills you. I guess its sorta like HIV...you can't fight it on your own. When you said you had fought the ED for the last 7 years, that shows me that you are a very strong person for having been able to withstand it for THAT long. (I only lasted a year.) But over time, as you got weaker, as the "HIV" evolved to "AIDS", the illness has gotten to the point where medical attention is needed. (I don't think theres much difference between physical illnesses and mental illnesses) Sure, you may be able to just get over a common cold on your own, but once its this serious, I don't think its possible. I don't think its possible for anyone. I know that getting help is kinda...annoying and troublesome. I mean, its time consuming (to look for one thats fit for you and to see one regularly), expensive, and somewhat...embarrassing. I felt that way completely, but hey, i eventually realized that its ok. Anyone would feel that way cuz its only natural. But you really gotta think about it and see whats more important. If you really want to get over this stupid illness, then getting treatment, realistically, is the only way. I guess I would really urge you to seek help cuz i know that it wont be a futile task. I don't know you personally, but from what you've said, you've proved to me that you're a VERY strong person, and that shows me that you can overcome this with treatment. You're lucky to have that character. Make use of it. Hang in there...I'm here for you all the way.

Love, Jenuine