Peeka Boo

I realized after struggling with my weight all my life that even when I lost it I still didn't stop dealing with the emotions and the problems. By the time I was a sophmore in High School I Was 295 pounds...that's where I peaked...I fluctuated for the next four years and then with the help of my college councelor, the school nurse, and an eating disorder specialist I began to slowly lose the weight and discover some truths about myself...I came out of the closet as a gay man and started to see myself as someone who could attract other people rather than being just the nice fat kid. Over the next four years I would go from 295 to 170. I began to stop focusing on everything else and was obsessed with my looks and my weight. I was happier for awhile and much healthier but I still had some insecurities. I would go out with very physically attractive men to make me feel better and instead I only felt more insecure. Time went on and I finally met the man that I would want to spend the rest of my life with...he's honest, caring and gives me the support I need. My problem is that since I have been with him I still find myself binging and trying to convince myself that the weight I am gaining is alright because I have someone who loves me for who I am...what I am noticing though is that I still don't love myself enough to stop binging and start taking control over my life...I don't weigh myself anymore but all my clothes are so tight and I feel very scared that I am going to put myself back in the same position I was in over five years ago. Everyone will always tell you how great it feels to lose weight but where does the obseesion stop...I have spent my childhood years getting fat and my early adulthood getting thin and when I finally reached my so-called "goal weight" I didn't know where to go next since looking "thin" and "good" was all I ever tried to do and was all I knew. I feel uncomfortable in my own skin, my body is so stretched out from my weight loss and I was told by medical professionals that the only way to get rid of the excess skin was through surgery. I want to end this obsession with food and my appearance. Is it possible? I believe I know what is healthy for me since I have been researching it most of my life and yet I still will take a bunch of cash and go to the store and buy anything that is sweet and unhealthy and binge until I have to lie down and I can barely breathe. My boyfriend is still a strong support but it's very easy for me to keep on doing this because he tells me he loves me no matter what. The problem is I don't love myself and I don't think I know how to start? I know that if I could have only accepted myself at 295 then maybe when I reached 170 it wouldn't have been so big of a deal. I just want to feel sane...feel healthy and feel attractive to ME! I have great respect for the struggles women have had with this issue for ages and yet I feel alone here because as a man I find less people I can turn to who are also male and struggling with their weight. If anyone (male or female) would respond to this posting with any ounce of advise for someone like myself I would be very grateful. I apologize for such a long introduction to the page but if you met me in person you would find out that I can be pretty talkative in person as well. Thanks again for any support or encouragement you can provide.

Peeka Boo

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Peeka Boo