getting worse I think - Eating Disorder Recovery Message Board

Persophone · 05-21-2001, 12:44 PM

Hi.. I haven't been around as much these last few days because I haven't been doing very well. Physically this is catching up to me... I know there are people who eat even less than I do... how do you get through the days? There are some days that I do have bursts of energy and when this happens I take full advantage and get as much as I can get done done because I know it isn't going to last. It is getting harder to do cardio workouts..I am very weak and soo tired all the time... Sunday my husband and I went to the zoo (I was looking forward to this because I promised myself I wouldn't workout Sunday and then thought to myself...Hmm..walking at the zoo would be good..sort of a way to sneak it in) Well, halfway through the zoo I literally thought I couldn't stand anymore...had to sit down and if he had let me, I could have fallen asleep right there on the bench. My hair is dry and ratty..my skin is acting up. and I have bags and wrinkles under my eyes that I never used to have. Yeah, I'm skinnier but you know what...I am also uglier in return. I am angry at myself that I cannot just stop. I keep telling my husband that when I reach my goal weight (4 more pounds to go) I will go out for Chinese food with him (that was my fav food) but in my heart, I kind of know that I am not going to be happy with 4 more pounds...I have lost 18 already (I won't say where I am at but I started my "diet" as a size 6) and honestly don't think I look any different so why would 4 more make me happy? and also, the closer I get to my "goal" the more I worry that I am not really going to be able to eat chinese food and I am worried and scared that he is going to be very upset with me if I don't keep my word now. I am happy that therapy is tomm. Honestly, I don't think once a week is enough for me right now..seems like all I do is count the days until my next session.

I know there is nothing anyone can say or do for me ... I just wanted to update you all and thank you for being there to listen and understand.

Rachel

Peeka Boo · 05-21-2001, 01:30 PM

I have been thinking a lot about what you wrote and I know I can't be the one to solve your situation (I can't even solve my own at this time)but I just wanted you to know that I feel the pain and I, too, have struggled with the loss of energy and the physical examples of this illness showing up. I am not anorexic, I am a binging overeater but I wanted to say that if you need any support you have it right here...you are on the right track by knowing that losing those few extra pounds is not going to make you happy because it won't....it will only show you that you have the ability to keep losing. I hope that you try that chinese food you have been craving because it will definitley give you more energy than you have now and you will feel so much better. I know that is easier said than done but eventually I have faith you will make it...keep moving forward and take those baby steps...you're worth it!

Peeka Boo

LilyElise · 05-21-2001, 07:04 PM

Rachel,
I don't know if this is appropriate but I take energy pills. I'm sorry if that was inappropriate for me to tell you. I budget my energy too. I know what you mean about the being tired when you work out, do you get muscle pain? You sound like you're getting close to the point where your hair falls out~not trying to scare you just so you know. Therapy will help you, but your right losing 4 more pounds won't make a dent in the way you feel about your body. You'll just get that little happy when you see that you lost a pound, the one that gets shorter and shorter each time. You're only going once a week? I don't think that would be enough for anyone in our situations!!! I know it's hard to believe now but one day you'll look back on this and you'll be at that Chinese restaurant eating your favorite foods thinking Gosh I can't believe i'm doing htis!! I have to warn you I think it will be a while.
you have my prayers,
Lily

Persophone · 05-21-2001, 07:28 PM

Lily,

May I ask how often you go? I guess I didn't realize there was anything in between once a week and inpatient treatment...

Rachel
PS.. I am afraid to take any supplements because it seems like no matter what I try, no matter how safe they claim to be, I end up with scary side effects. My energy boosters are coffee and diet coke right now ... (I do also drink lots of water)

Emilia · 05-21-2001, 11:57 PM

Dear Per,
I have been reading some of your posts, and I can hardly imagine what you must go through each day. You live off of about 500 cal. a day! Thats very very little, and you work out on top of that! Plus you are married, and it is very hard to have an ED and be emotionally involved with someone. I used to have a boyfriend, and it was difficult, but that is nothing compared to a live in husband. I am worried about your health, because it is true you will start losing hair, and your skin will look pale and gray. There is no need to diet, a size six is perfect! I wanted to ask does you husband know about your ED? If he doesnt, maybe you should talk to him about it. I'm sure once you make your goal weight, you will not want chinese food. Thats what I told myself too, but once I reached 100 lbs, I was way too afraid to touch any grease, because I thought that would make me gain another pound. I can tell that you are a very strong person, and I know you can overcome this! Hang in there
Emilia