argghh!! - Eating Disorder Recovery Message Board

LilBear21 · 05-24-2001, 11:38 AM

Hello,

So a couple weeks ago I decided not to make myself throw up anymore (I don't think I am/was bulimic; I typically only eat about 800 cal. max in a day, but when I eat something "normal" like a real actual meal or something like that, I used to make myself throw it up). Anyway, I have had a few times when I felt really tempted, but I always chose not to, because of all the scary things I've heard about purging, and also because I had this strange feeling in my throat. But today I ate PASTA for BREAKFAST! What was I thinking?!? I normally eat exactly one-cup of dry cereal (110 cal.) and that's all and here I ate a whole bowl of pasta (the little macaroni kind with tomato sauce). Arggh, I felt like my day was ruined. Usually if I "mess up" it's dinner time, and...well, anyway, I felt like my day was shot, so I went to the bathroom and was going to purge, and I actually did, a little (maybe 1/8 of what I ate) and I stopped. For one, too be detailed about it, I haven't had any water with my breakfast, so I had a hard time getting anything up, but I know I could of if I stayed there for a while. Anyway, I also thought to myself that "I still have the rest of the day to do things right", whatever "right" means. So I am sitting here, still feeling like I should hurry up and go throw up before I digest too much of this pasta sitting in my stomach, but the other part of me is saying, it's OK, it's just pasta, it's not like I ate a cake or something.

Does anybody have any tips on what to do in those 15 minutes or so right after you eat and you can feel the food in your stomach, and it's begging me to throw it up...?

It's ok, I have all day to make good choices. I mean, I guess I know deep down inside that by "good choices" what I really mean is "no choices", since I guess I am pretty much done eating for the day, and I am worried that somebody will make me eat something, and then I will have to run forever tonight, and what if I don't have enough time?

Sigh...it's ok, I'll be fine. I just need to get on with my day. Sorry for rambling.

-LilBear

LilyElise · 05-24-2001, 02:14 PM

Lilbear,
I've been in that situation before I've only purged a couple times though. You sound like you have both anorexia and bulimia to me. One of the hardest things is when you feel like you started out the day badly b/c it pretty much ruins your day and all you can think about is ok how can I get ride of these calories!!!! Try to remember that your body needs the nutrients and the food. I think you did really well since you didn't purge the whole meal, it must have been really really hard to stop.
Lily

Persophone · 05-25-2001, 04:31 AM

Lilbear,

When that happens....It's likely because your body just was trying to tell you something...it probably needed those nutrients in the pasta and no matter how big that bowl of pasta was ...on top of your busy active lifestyle and your little calorie intake it will not cause you to gain weight! remember you need to eat 3500 extra calories to gain just 1 pound.. you probably ate a few hundred (if that) don't stress about it (I know easier said than done) if you denied yourself the pasta you might have eaten something far worse later on...

Rachel

californiagirl · 05-25-2001, 11:54 AM

Thank you for sharing your experience LilBear. I can really relate to your post. I “use to” let myself ingest a certain amount of calories, and if I ate anything over that, I purged it. I have tried to stop myself from throwing up. I had stopped for a few weeks, but went back, and now I have gotten back on the horse and am trying to stop again (6 days successful). Before, I didn’t even think about it. I just did it. But, reading this board has enlightened me to the harmful effects of purging. I use to lie to myself and say it wasn’t harmful to me (because I was ingesting some calories – completely ignoring the fact that the physical act of purging harms the body). I have recently become very familiar with self arguments/discussion just before/while thowing up. “You have to do it, you can’t do it.” As a matter of fact, last night I ate a meal I never would have let stay in my stomach. (I am definitely having trouble managing my food intake.) I immediately thought of purging it, as a matter of fact it was all I could think about. But, I just yelled to myself in my head “NO!” I also thought to myself what if this next time is the time that my body completely breaks down from my purging, is it worth it? I didn’t do it, and for that I am content, but I still have the guilt of eating the food. While I was lying in bed last night it was all I could think about. All I wanted to do was get out of bed and go for a run. (I didn’t, which was hard.) I am still struggling with it today. I know this doesn’t help you, but I wanted you to know that I can relate to the difficulties you are struggling with. Somewhere in myself I know I am trying to train myself how to eat again, it takes time, and I will make mistakes. Learn how to forgive yourself and remember you are worth your recovery. I know that a body tells you what it needs, try to listen. (Classic case of easier said than done!) I know I am hopeful that someday my body will speak louder than my mind! I wish you the best!

(Geez, I didn’t mean for this post to be so long. Sorry!)

LilBear21 · 05-25-2001, 04:02 PM

CaliforniaGirl,

I totally know that feeling of lying in bed and thinking of going for a run! It's the weirdest thing, if you think about it, but I really consider it. Even if I am already in my pajamas, settled in and all, I contemplate getting up and going out!

-LilBear