I don't know! Is anyone else confused? - Eating Disorder Recovery Message Board

UMLMicrobe · 10-02-2001, 04:36 PM

Hi, this is the first time I've ever posted anything so I don't know if this is what it's supposed to be like, but I figured I give it a try any way.
Well, I've been diagnosed with anorexia. I guess that's a start. Right? I've lost over 70 pounds in about a 6 month period. And it's bizarre. I don't feel any different other than the fact that I feel "off". I guess that's why I titled this "I don't know", because I don't know how to describe what I'm feeling.
I guess the first thing I feel is that I'm stupid. I'm a senior in college and am a pre-med/biology major. I know what I should be doing and I know why. But what I don't know is why I can't, don't or won't. It's so aggrivating.
Then to hear half the people I know say how I look great (I was a little chubby before) and the other half say I look like I'm wasting away isn't helping me feel any better about myself. It's weird. Growing up you hear about eating disorders and it's this big huge deal. And I know that if my best friend were to develop one I'd be so concerned for her. But to be honest, I don't care what happens to me. I don't feel like I'm in any danger or that I'm sick. I just kind of don't think I'm worth all this big fuss. My doctor wants to see me every week but I've been avoiding her because I'm too busy with school. She says that if I lose 10 more pounds she'll put me in the hospital. I don't want to. I can't miss that much school. But she said that about a month ago and I know that I've lost some more weight since then. But like I said, I'm not one of those skinny models. I'm not a twig, I won't break. In fact, I think I could stand to lose a few more pounds. I don't know!
I feel all out of control. Do you feel that way too? I'm sorry to kind of come on here and complain, I just didn't know where else I could go to vent how I'm feeling without having to justify my feelings to someone face-to-face. So I'm sorry!

yves · 10-03-2001, 05:53 AM

This message has 'rock bottom self-esteem' written all over it *hug* er...yep, I know what that feels like. Try and treat yourself as you would treat others... it's damn hard, but it's a much more logical approach to life. Objectively I *know* I'm not the one loathsome slug in a world of otherwise valuable human beings, and I doubt you are either.

Sorry I don't have any more practical advice, I've never been more than borderline anorexic myself, and I came out of that by breaking down and bingeing a lot, which I wouldn't recommend :S

Stigma · 10-03-2001, 10:05 AM

In order to help out anyone else and be available for them, not only do you have to look after yourself, but you also have to set a prime example of a good treatment. I know this is much easier said then done, but it's achievable.

While I was reading about your excessive and obsessive weight loss, your somewhat overweight body beforehand, and the two completely opposing types of comments from friends and family, it was like I was reading about myself! And now, even though I'm so relieved without the weight complex all the time, I don't feel happy. Is this what you're experiencing too? Maybe you can start taking care of yourself one step at a time, so you don't feel overwhelmed. I am now at a point where I don't want to gain any weight, but I also don't want to lose any more, 'cause I'm beginning to look weak, and that's just not me. So I decided to take vitamins every day, to SLOWLY increase my protein intake and SLOWLY cut down on exercises I do. It's scarey sometimes, but I'm also a college student with high academic goals and in order to achieve these and enjoy life in the long run, I really can't just "not care about what happens to me" and I think you should think along the same lines. Best wishes to you and let us know how you're doing!

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"When there is no enemy within, the enemies outside cannot hurt you."

CloudyDaze · 10-03-2001, 12:17 PM

It's good to see so many newbies here! First, welcome to you all. Second, most of the time people with an eating disorder, especially anorexia, feel the exact same way that you do, so don't feel guilty or that you are all alone and there is no way out. There is hope!

Have you gone to a therapist? It sounds like along with your anorexia you have clinical depression, which is very very common with an eating disorder. See a counselor and ask their opinion on what you should do.

About your friends, that is one of the hardest things about anorexia is that while you are trying to get better friends make things worse and are detrimental to recovery by telling you that you look good. You know what is right for you. Maybe you were a little chubby before, but 70 pounds is an extreme amount of weight to lose and losing it in 6 months, no matter how heavy you were, is not good for you.

Try to hold out hope and know that you WILL recover. When you do it will be like you are living for the first time. Talk to a therapist. Reevaluate your goals. Maybe you don't want to be a doctor. Don't make any major changes in your life right now until you get help for your depression because once you recover you might become very interested in things that you just don't care about right now.

Whatever you do get help as soon as you can. Don't the days just continue to drift by in a fog of 'who cares'. We are all here for you too. Post whatever you feel, it's all anonymous!

rad916 · 10-03-2001, 06:56 PM

I just want to agree with everyone. And be careful sweetie, cuz I don't know about anyone in your life, but none of us on this board want you to get hurt. We all know what you're going thru. I'm here forever if you need anything.