Stigma

Yes, I've picked up the name from a book about one reporter's personal experience with bulimia, but I couldn't have chosen a better word to describe my condition myself. I feel like I am more than one person, hence there is constantly a war in my head between the real me and the "monster." I'm doing my best to battle this evil disease, and my binge-free periods are usually lasting from weekend to weekend, when I successfully follow a fairly healthy eating plan and only do a few sit-ups and squats per day to exercise. On the weekends, though, all hell breaks lose. And when it's all over, he still bullies me...

Today, I didn't go to class, so my breakfast got out of control and before I knew it I was binging. I purged afterwards, but then in the late afternoon, I pigged out again. My mom was trying to calm me down and talk me out of it once she figured out what was going on, but she couldn't. She even said that she could barely recognize her own child considering the way I was acting at that moment, which breaks my heart too. I have a monster inside that takes over at such times when he has absolute control over me. Only once the binge and purge is done with is the real me actually back. Sometimes I have trouble remembering what I ate, where and how I found the food, and whether I decided to consume it or not after trying to fight the monster.

I'm so sick of living like this. How can something be so powerful that it makes me choose food over everything and everyone else in my life? Why is it that food is the only thing I really look forward to? I feel so fat right now. I feel that way whenever I binge, even if I successfully purge afterwards. That's why I usually vomit, exercise, *and* fast for the following 24 hours, but today I was too tired and depressed to exercise, which is freaking me out now, 'cause I can feel my stomach has gotten flabbier.

I'm sorry this sounds like a psychotic message, but I'm in a desperate need of a vent and reassurance that food addiction can be overcome, considering that food is the most lethal drug of all...

I hope with all my heart that the rest of you had a more productive day and will manage to enjoy the weekend.