Feeling unreal - Eating Disorder Recovery Message Board

fiona · 02-12-2002, 02:41 PM

Lately I've been having this strange feeling of being removed and unreal, like I'm incapable of feeling anything, good OR bad. I feel like I'm just existing, going through the motions day by day. I have felt this way before, but not for a long time. Last time, it was meeting my boyfriend that snapped me out of it. I don't know how to snap out of it this time. Also, I'm started to get terrible cravings for drugs and alcohol!! What's wrong with me? And this is even worse . . . (I'm so embarassed to say this . . .) Lately when I go shopping I have this huge urge to shoplift. I am scared to go into stores because this urge makes me feel so terrible. I didn't want to post all of this because I'm really humiliated by it . . . but I really need someone to talk to about this. I am turning into a horrible person. Why now? And what can I do about it? I just want to cry at what I'm turning into . . . And I'm restricting again. I'm a big fat failure

Don't feel bad if you don't want to talk to me anymore. I'd completely understand.

Fiona

Stigma · 02-12-2002, 08:02 PM

Hi, Fiona.

Some of those feelings you're experiencing must be making you feel very uncomfortable. It would be unfair of me to say that I completely understand them all, since I haven't really been there myself and I don't want to minimize your distress or offer you empty promises. What I can do, though, is just to let you know that we are here to listen and offer support while you're trying to sort out these feelings. I think it's quite a corageous step recognizing, let alone admitting "out loud" some of the urges that you consider wrong. Has something happened to triger all these things? Can you see things changing for you at all? If your boyfriend has been there for you in the past, maybe you can rely on his support now as well. One thing I do know is that it's really hard going through such problems alone.

I'm sorry that I can't be of more help and that I don't have any concrete advice, but I just thought I'd let you know that just because you have a problem (which you even acknowledge) does not mean that you are a horrible person and it especially doesn't give me a reason to think you're a horrible person.

Hang in there and keep in touch.

Stigma.

rhody · 02-13-2002, 09:36 AM

It could be some inner emptiness, which leads you to try an escape from reality. That may be why you are looking towards drugs, and alcohol. Don't do it; that will make it worse - much worse.

The shoplifting again might be a way to escape reality (the everyday same old routines). I've read that some people have a rush, where shoplifting gives them excitement. A lot of shoplifters really don't even need what they take. Shoplifting is stealing, and it hurts someone somewhere. Eventually you'll get caught, and it could be real embarassing.

Do you also still have an eating disorder as well? My philosophy towards eating is to eat well and to choose healthy natural foods that are highly nutritious. I often write about this on the diet and nutrition board.

What's the solution for this inner emptiness? That's a tough one. For me it has been my faith in God. As such, subjects as this may be limited since this is a healthboard site, so you may want to ask friends and family how you can bring yourself closer to God (Love). I hope that helps.

Also helping other people through love, can be an antidote towards your feelings of failure and despair. How can you possibly fail, when you help another person feel better? You can't. Keep trying and look at these kind of things in a positive manner.

CloudyDaze · 02-13-2002, 04:45 PM

Oh Fiona! I've missed being here and talking to you all so much! I know how you feel. If I had access to it I could easily become an alcoholic because I have an urge to just do something that will take me away for a while. I've being doing slightly better for a couple days now and whenever I don't b/p I get feel feelingless and not even totally human. I feel even more depressed than usual and just more quiet. I have to think that if I can go long enough I will eventually break through this, and so will you. It's just going through withdrawal I bet, so if you can make it through things will get better. When the addiction is taken away we have to deal with what's underneath. I guess we can't handle going through giving up the addictino and dealing with the emotions at the same time so until we get over craving the addiction we are just sort of numb from all the feelings. I really have no idea, but I do know that trading your ED for something like alcohol or drugs will only make things worse. If you have to have one, the ED is the one to have because it won't get you in trouble with the law and ruin all your relationships. Give yourself a few days to restrict all you want. Plan to start again Saturday and get things under control before then. Right now you can experiment and see if there's anything that makes you feel at all better that's healthy. Make a list of those things so that you have it when you need it. Nothing will feel quite as good as the addiction, but the little boost from something like coloring or taking a walk or whatever will be able to get you through. You can make it Fiona. You're not a loser. You've made so much progress! Haven't things changed at least a little since October or November? Any progress is worth the effort! I believe in you, and I still love you even if you fail every day.

rad916 · 02-13-2002, 05:23 PM

oh fiona, i feel so sad for you. but sweetie, never feel like you can't tell us these things. we all know you're an awesome person and we all have desires. but i know that if god forbid you gave in to your desires, you would be unhappy after. please hon, talk to someone who can help you. and let yourself be helped with this. professional. and never ever think we wouldn't want to talk to you. never.
luv and luck,

rachel