HElp, or just someone to listen?..... - Eating Disorder Recovery Message Board

longandmissing · 03-20-2002, 12:31 PM

Hi, i 've never been to this board b4, but am in the middle of sooo many problems.. too, includeing eating, not eating, purging, exercise, am completely messed up, with months of anorexic, then... weeks of binging... and sometimes throwing it up and then sometimes, not!, Being in a constant state of caring bout it and wanting change, and then NOT!.. . horrible feels of this.. today am at home.. b/c i was completely tired from taking, pills, which am not suppose my physc. consulor said NO but the yesterday was the first day of that.. and at bout 5:00 pm, after track i needed those friggin.. painkillers, 2 b4 track.. then what i thought was a stomach thing..diet pill i usually took it, wasn't i told my friends, they know bout my probs. and my pill habit.. they r not in support of me taking the pills but they can't control me neither...i got scared after i took it, cuz i had no idea what it was...i was going to throw it up..but for some reason i didn't want to .. i alway say when asked y? do u take so many pills? "am finding my limit." not funny but true, will this one be my last.. i have been sent to the nurse 3 times this year. for an eating disorder.., for depression.. am sick of people always in my face. i 've been eating... but not normally over eating is more like it. i dont want to thou.. i hate i tell my self everday "UR NOT EATING TODAY, U LOOK GROSS".. somedays i feel great... i love that.. <when i don't eat i feel better...? when i do.. eat. i eat way too much i feel like my mind is an extremist.. am TOO much or TOO little.. my mind is falling to pieces.. i have just started going to an out patient thing at the physc. hosptial...LOL, it's not goig to work i it.... so stupid., it takes bout a month to even get to the phycrist. the dr. that gives medication for depression.. i want them i want to be normal.. i want to be happy... my mind is in pieces... it like i have no control over it.. i have become addicted to pain killers... my consulor told me i am using them to TRY To fix a mind prob.. with a physical pain killer... i selpt. for 17 hrs. yesterday and only 2 hours. the night b4 that.. am only eating.. i don't want to.. am not hungry.. i need something... it sux, i know what right and what is wrong... am seeking help... but i still feel hopeless....i feel like a washing machine i know what i suppose to do.. i start out and i continue to do the same thing over and over again.. it stops! and i start again.. it 's pathetic.. worthless. am worthless... all i want to do today is NOTHING... no friends w/ them i have to be entertaining.. am hiding behind.. laugher i have become the "funny one".. it's hard act to keep up.. and not at the same time. I feel no understand me, y? would they, y? should they... NO one could survive being in my mind... I CAN"T !!!!!! i have had this for 4 yrs. now it's out am not caring i am numb to feels of love, hate, fun, caring of any kind. Running away is a constant idea of mind..... i want somehting.. that isn't there somethign to fill the holes in me... Lately i have become a cutter.. it hurts i won't lie.. but then again, it a pain, something i know is real something i can show i can prove... MY DAD went to get my depression meds.. will they make me better? will they change me? HELP ME HELP ME.. am desparte.. i don't know y? am writing this.. i guesss i just wanted to say this to someone anyone.. even if no i know will c it.. or if no one understands it.. i ramble alot!!!!!!!! the quiestion asked to me "do u want to die?"..... Me "NO" the real me "I DO , I DON"T , I DON"T CARE, am waiting... for it to happen, i want it to happen NOW, i want to go away... i want everythign to go away... ". i've never attempted sucide i just want something to stop it from beign a possible in my mind... am not going to die from an eating prob. am under control of that.. pills, whaaa now there i have oppuntities to take of them.... and since my dad is very sick he has a lot of meds. that could easily kill if taken alot of them am sick of beign the good one, the nice good, the innocent one.. i want to be anyone but ME...i have panic attacks in school.. i cry, i lie, i fake it, i hate it, i eat it, i don't eat it... am a friggin nut..!!!!! my friends want to help? my parents want to help?....................i just want to be OK in all sinces when will this happenn?
well sorry if i took up space w/ ppl. with probs. and actual questions.. i just wanted to say that i need to vent i guess w/e sorries, am sorry really i am... am patthectic i apolgilze way too much sorry ........
maybe someone can empathize
am sick of sympathy !!!!!!!
so if ya wanna talk to me.. or if i can help u out my listen to ur probs. or if ya have any words of advice for me am open to that too? kk,
bye
thanx
and i am sorry if i bother anyone really i am
bye bye
thanx again
ME

bailey123456 · 03-20-2002, 12:55 PM

Hi, I haven't been here very long so I'm not an authority on how this board works but I don't think you have to ever apoligize for venting your feelings here. I think, for me anyway, that this is the place where we can say what we really feel without worrying what others will say.

purplethoughts123 · 03-20-2002, 05:35 PM

i can completely relate to always having to be the "funny one." literally, if i am quiet for just a little while or not in the best mood my friends are like why are you talking...like i constantly have to be entertaining. anyways, just wanted to say i know what it's like to feel like you always have to be on stage and can never be yourself. i am sorry you are going through all the s***t that you are going through. i cannot say that i am at the same place that you are, but i can say that i have been at that point where you almost feel like you are gonna go crazy, where you can't even get a clear thought in your head, everything is just jumbled and confusing and you'd give anything just to make all the thoughts go away. maybe this is not how you feel, and sorry if i am being presumptious by assuming that it is, it's jsut what it sounded like from your message. it's good that you are trying to get help, even if your not sure that's what you want. i'm sorry i dont really have any great advice to give or anything...please continue to use this site, i havent used it for long, but i think that it is a big help just knowing there are people out there that can listen/relate to some of the stuff you are dealing with.

[This message has been edited by moderator1 (edited 03-24-2002).]