Not sure...may need help - Eating Disorder Recovery Message Board

MusicianMartha · 03-31-2002, 11:12 PM

I've never done anything like this before, so forgive me if my question seems a bit dumb. I'm 17 yrs. old, 5'7 and I weigh 82 lbs. Now I know that that's very much under my recommended weight. But I don't purge or anything. I'm just afraid to eat...afraid to gain any weight. Oh, I wasn't always like this. I weighed 150 lbs. 2 years ago. So my question is, do I really need help? I read somewhere that anorexics always have some "underlying problem". Some issue with their emotions that they never got cleared-up, and they're anorexic so that they can hide from their real problems. But I don't have that. I've seriously had a good childhood. I just got tired of looking at my fat a** in the mirror one day and said "I want to lose weight....like a LOT of weight." So I did. I just wanted to be thin, that's all. And at first I loved the praises I got. "Martha, you're so thin! You look great!" But then it all stopped. No more compliments. So I tried harder; lost more weight. And then people started saying that I looked ill and TOO thin. How could I be too thin? I didn't know there was a such thing. So i got depressed and stopped eating for a couple of weeks. That's bad, I know. But now I just can't stop. And every night I have a battle with my parents over the dinner table. I'm so sick of it all. But since I don't have that hidden reason for being thin, I really never thought that I needed help. What do you thing? Please give me some sort of advise! And thanks a million for even reading this much of my rambling! -Martha

MusicianMartha · 04-01-2002, 12:13 PM

Thanks you so much for your kind words. It's good to read posts on this message board and know that I'm not completely alone.

But unlike most people here, with their considerably healthy attitudes, I feel like I'm crazy. A part of me came and posted on this board because I felt like giving in to the suspicions of my friends and family and admitting that I most likely have a problem. But another part of me wanted someone to prove them all wrong and tell me that I'm just thin and getting thinner, that's all. Because while my mind tells me that I should stop, my will won't let me. I don't WANT to gain back the weight that I spent so much precious time and effort losing. I'm fat as it is and being fatter would only depress me. I like stepping on the scale and seeing that I've lost just one more horrible pound. My family pretends that it would be so easy for me to stop losing weight. "All you have to do is eat!" they say. And as most of you know, it's not that easy. Especially since I don't want to. But then again I can't stop, and that scares me. I don't want to be consumed by a lack of consumption. I'm so torn between the two. I know what I should do. But then I tell myself that I'm just giving in and becoming a weakling. Does this make me crazy?