I can’t believe I did this… when is it ever going to stop?
I’m so upset… in the last three days I have binged twice… how could I do this? I should have had more control! I’d never done it before until a few days ago. I’m just so fed up with this constant battle with food. It’s a nightmare, and I want out. All I know what to do after a binge is purge… and exercise some more.
What am I supposed to do? Nothing works… I don’t want to become bulimic now… That’d just be too much.
I should have been stronger than this. I should be able to stop this, but I can’t even seem to control it anymore. It’s like, EVERYTHING I think about, revolves around weight. Even exercise… I do too much, and I know it, but I can’t seem to stop. I run until I can barely stand, and then I still can’t bring myself to eat.
It’s not getting better at all. This has been going on for so long now, and I SHOULD be able to recover, but I just don’t think I can. I want to, but I can’t.
I hate living like this… It’s such a battle and I don’t think I can win. I hate my life. I can't even explain how miserable I'm feeling right now...
I’m sorry to have gone on like this… sometimes I just need to get it all out. Sorry.
Oh, Ashlee, I'm pretty sure I understand exactly how you feel. Binging/purging makes me more miserable than anything else. Even though most of the time I have no desire to binge/purge, I feel like there is a monster inside that's forcing me to torture my mind and body that way, urging me to destroy myself. The only positive thing I can say is that his voice does begin to diminish in time as we learn not to listen to it, but of course, that takes a lot of effort. He wants to make us believe that he is in our blood when, in fact, he's only in our heads and that's where we need to get him out from. Are you getting any professional help at the moment? I hate to admit it, but having a structured meal plan really does help and once your body is provided with the right nutrients and on a regular basis, the desire to binge subsides...
The best I can do right now is let you know that you are definitely not alone. You give such great advice on this board and if you could just take some time to look at your own needs and take some of that great advice, I have no doubt that you'll be well on your way to recovery.
let me ask a question, did you enjoy the purge? Probably not, made you feel sicker didn't it. So why do that to yourself. Next time resist.
Remember what I said purging can do to the body. It will ruin your teeth, your stomach lining, your esophigas, your throat, etc.
You are stong enough to beat this. Fight that demon. And get your mind off of weight & food. Spend your thinking time on your studies, planning your meals (but don't obsess - think nutritionally) & helping JJay.
Stigma is right, you do have excellant advice. Follow it. If you feel yourself weeken. Pull it out, look it up & reread it.
You can do this. You have done really well in the last 3 or 4 weeks. You just had a slip (big deal). Get back on that horse & ride it. Remember it's ok to fall, just pick yourself back up, brush yourself off, & continue as if nothing happened. Cat
Oh Ashlee, I just came to the board to post a new topic to you asking how you were getting on. I kinda knew the answer already because you hadn't answered me when I asked you how it was going. Then I read your thread.
Sweetie, I think your binging is coming from the starvation mode that your body has got into. Once you eat something your body cries out for more, and before you know where you are you are giving it more and more. I know that you are not eating enough, and are over excersising, and your body will not be able to function like this. If you have started to binge then that is your bodies way of telling you that you have pushed it too far. The only way you can prevent this Sweatheart, is by eating a little more and excersising just a little less. I know how hard it is, and even as I sit here and write it I know that you have tried it all before, but you will have days that you feel like you have failed. But that does not mean you can't try again the next day. Ashlee you are intelligent. You know as well as Cat and I do, what you are doing to your body. Please please please Ash. Don't give up. You will have better days. Aww your making me cry again. No one else does this to me!
Do you think reading some of my negative posts may be unhelpful to you? I don't want to be making you worse.
Please promise me you won't give up on yourself yet. We need you here, you have so much wisdom for one so young! Take care Ashlee Love Jay
Dear Lord, please give Ashlee strength and courage. Help her to know that you care and want to help her in her struggles. Wrap your loving arms around her and let her rest in your peace. Help her to focus on you and your will for her life - which is for good health and joy. Give her wisdom in how to achieve that. Keep her safe. Amen
Ashlee, I have this idea that eating things that are as close as possible to how they grew - like fresh fruits and vegetables and nuts - is healthy. I call it a "Daniel diet" because when Daniel (from the Bible) was in captivity, he chose to eat those types of things and he was stronger and healthier than those who ate other more rich things. I don't know if it would help you or not, but maybe you could try eating lots of natural foods and avoid the processed foods that just make you crave more refined wheat and sugar. Nuts have good protein in them. Beans too. I'm a big fan of rice too. And lentils. Those are all healthy foods and you're not likely to gain weight - but hopefully you would get the nourishment you need. Try to take the compulsiveness and focus it in a new direction. I'm trying to do a lot of Bible study right now and I'm finding it very helpful. I don't know what your Christian beliefs are, but I would encourage you to consider studying the Bible and see what happens in your life. I'm reading 1st John right now.
take Mel's advice on the Daniel diet. I ate that way for awhile & the pounds just melted off. I wasn't even trying to lose weight. And it's healthy for you too. And you know what, I ate like a pig on this diet, man was I skinny. You need your nutrition.
Another thing, Mel also stated to turn your compulsiveness towards something else. Turn it towards fighting this battle. You can do it. Jjay, Mel & Me have faith in you, plus you got us all praying for ya.
Once again; Stigma, Catgirl, Jjay and Mel, thank you for all of the help you have given me. You’re offering me so much support, and I really do appreciate it.
Stigma: Yes, I am getting professional help for this. My weight is also being kept track of, and I am on medication (which has been increased now yet again http://www.healthboards.com/ubb/rolleyes.gif ). Still… nothing seems to be helping. And how can it? I mean, what is it honestly going to do for me? I know I’m completely contradicting myself now, as I’m always encouraging people here to go and seek professional help… I just don’t know anymore…
Anyway, thanks for all the nice things you said. How are you going now?
Cat: You’re right, I don’t ‘enjoy’ purging… but at the same time it sort of makes me feel better. Like more confident, like I am doing something ‘good’ for myself (I know, what a joke!). It’s hard to explain. But if I don’t purge, I just feel so completely disgusted with myself. So miserable and useless… I guess it’s sort of like self-injuring in a way… I self-injure in an attempt to make myself feel SOMETHING; even if it IS pain.
Thanks for the words of encouragement. You’re an inspiration!
Jjay: I know exactly what you mean. If I eat any little thing I start thinking, “I want more!” Wow, doesn’t that sound greedy! If you really believe it will help me to stop binging… I will try to eat a little more tomorrow… lol; I’m getting anxious already! No promises though! But I will try. I’m not cutting down on the exercise, however! I need to keep my fitness up as well.
Oh, and sorry for making you cry, Jjay…
Mel: That was a really kind thing to say for me. It means a lot. Actually, I basically live on the diet you just mentioned anyhow. So, thanks! I’m the hugest rice… and fruit fan, too! Yum yum. One question though… what on EARTH are lentils??? Never heard of them!
I want to try… but how exactly do I change my way of thinking so that I can turn my compulsiveness in another direction? I will try… but I’m not sure how to go about it.
lentils are like beans....but there vegtables, they come in a bag just like dried beans do & you fix them just like beans, more their more of a vegtable group & high in vitamins.
To turn your thinking around...think that everytime you eat & not purge you are being healthy & avoiding the consequences of this disease that I have mentioned to you before. You need to tell yourself positive thoughts while eating...I need this fuel, I'm not going to ruin my teeth by purging afterwards, etc., etc.........repeat as often as necessary.
Did I tell you that my days of severe anorexia that I was so malnutritioned that I lost my periods at the age of 16, doctor told me I would never be able to have children & I was so skinny that I was growing fur on my body. That was nasty. What finally did it for me was when I was walking to my next class & I passed out in the school hallway midstep.
I'm telling you this to give you incentive & so you will avoid what I had to go through to get better. I don't want you to get as bad as I was. I was a walking skelaton. I was so ugly.
And I know if I can do it, so can you, & so can JJay. You hear me JJay. I believe in both of you.
Hey Ashlee, Sorry love, I've not been around for you much lately. Everything has been such a spiral lately. A downward spiral, but I ate a little today,and I feel a little stronger, I guess maybe I've come through this time. Did yo u manage to eat a little today without bingeing or purging. Cat is wonderful isn't she? I wish I could help you more. Love Jay. xxx
Did you read Mel's post on the SI board? Do read it. It may help you.
Hi Cat, Jjay and Chrys. Thank you all for the support and advice.
Well, yesterday, I ate dinner… only about half a cup of soup… but that’s enough for the mean time. Anyway, my point it, I didn’t purge! It was horrible… just the thought of it still being in my body… making me gain weight. My anxiety went off the roof! Nevertheless, I did it. I know I know… you’re going to tell me it wasn’t enough. But I also know you’ll understand. Honestly, I’m barely managing this at the moment, so I suppose it’s still something. Ohhhh… I’m so worried about that meal now! That was the first time I hadn’t purged my dinner in MONTHS! Yuck yuck yuck…
Oh, about the competitions, Cat. I’m actually thinking of dropping out of the team… I know… dumb, huh? But I just don’t seem to enjoy playing the game anymore. I have no energy… and my coach is becoming concerned about my weight, and how much the game is taking out of me. She’s already talked to my mother. What do you think? I mean, I’ve waited so long to make it into this team… and now I just feel like I’m throwing all my dreams out the window.
Also, I’m very sorry to hear just how severe your anorexia got, Cat. I’m so happy for you that you made a recovery! Well done!
Jjay, you help me so much! Quit thinking you don’t, okay? Seriously, you’re so wonderful and supporting to me! And I will go and read Mel’s post soon. Thanks for reminding me.
Oh… and a little deal… I will try to get over this… “obsession”, but you have to promise to try your hardest too. That means NO GIVING UP! You can and you will get past this. Take a look at Cat. She’s done it. If so many others have recovered then why shouldn’t it be possible for us? LOL, there I go contradicting myself again! Seriously though… I believe that one day we will both overcome this disorder. Even in our darkest moments, we must never give up hope.
Thank you for dropping in to say hi to us, Chrys.
Hmmm… how can I get Chrys frustrated with me today…? Okay, here goes… I MUST go running for at least one and a half hours today… I SHOULD study until at least 2am… Haha… Just kidding! Okay, I know what your saying. Too many “must’s” and “shoulds” <--- (Is that a word???). I just told Jjay, that we must never give up hope, however. Is that okay? Sorry! I’m just being my usual irritating self! You’ll get used to it, trust me!
Okay… serious now. No more “musts” or “shoulds”, I promise! Thanks for all the support!
Well, I think I’ve yakked on for long enough by now. Sorry I take a while to reply. When most of you are on here, I’m either at school or I’m sleeping. Damn this stupid time difference!
don't you dare drop off the team. You know why your drained of energy. (lack of nutrition)
Why throw out all that hard work it took to make the team and giving up your hopes & dreams just to allow this disease to continue to eat you alive.
YOU MUST FIGHT THIS - DON'T THROW EVERYTHING AWAY.
Ash, you are not going to gain all that much weight by eating a balance diet (I have no idea how much you weigh, now), but picture me who is currently at 5'4 & 120 pds (you said I didn't need to lose weight) at 5'4 and 85 pounds. A walking skeleton. That is not attrative. Men are attracted to women with a little meat on their bones. They don't want to date a skeleton.
By the way, congrats on fighting that urge to purge. My goal for you is to increase the amount you eat each day (slowly of course) & continue to not purge.
Please don't quit the team, eat so you have the energy to fulfill your dreams.
Life is so dull when you don't have the energy to participate in it. Cat
Girl, you had better get a grip on your situation, let me tell you, I had the same problem for about ten years. I made myself so so so so so sick. I had constant sinus infections and even developed TMJ, constant ear pressure, I can go on and on. It's so totally NOT worth it. Now, I have a wonderful husband a great job, a beautiful baby and sometimes I can't even enjoy it because of all of the damage that I've done to myself. Do you get it? For every short cut you take, I promise you will pay double....... It's just not worth it.....
Okay… so it’s a dumb idea then, huh Cat? I don’t know… just playing in that tournament we had last made me realise how little I enjoy it anymore. Maybe it just wasn’t for me. Well, I won’t quit yet; I’ll give it a fair chance.
And thanks for your input, Lydimir. Believe me, I’m trying. I don’t want to live like this either.
You're right; I did used to enjoy it. I used to LOVE it. It was something I really looked forward to every week. I won't quit now. That'd just be too much of a shame.
I'm sorry to hear about all the things that your eating disorder has left you with... I know I don't want any of that... still; it doesn't seem to be enough to get me to stop. I promise you I am trying.
Sometimes just thinking about giving all of this up makes me so afraid. It's like it's a part of me, and without it, I wouldn't be anybody. I know it's stupid, considering I'm a nobody already, but still it terrifies me. I keep thinking that this is who I am now, that this is the way it's supposed to be for me. Other times, I realise that nobody should have to live with this, and that I should (sorry, Chrys!) be able to give it up. I'm afraid of living with it, but at the same time, I'm afraid of not having it there at all. I don't know... it's all so confusing.
I'm not sure where JJay is... I hope she comes soon. I think it was today that she had that appointment of hers. JJay, when you're back, tell us how it went, okay?
Cat, thanks for all you support. And thank you too, JJay, and all the rest that have supported JJay and I through this.
Your confused cause your tired. And your afraid cause you have the disease demon in your head telling you how you should feel.
You need to tell this demon NO..GO AWAY, I'M NOT LISTENING TO YOU. It's the same w/fighting depression. Your gonna have your good days where you can fight the demon & then those bad days. But it will eventually get easier if you make it a habit to tell that mean ole demon off.
Carry note cards with you if you have to when your afraid to eat your lunch, dinner, etc., pull that card out & read it (if your in public or among those who understand), if your alone shout it to the demon out loud. Create sayings to yourself to combat this....set goals for yourself to combat this.
Have you been learning about this disease. If not, start. Knowledge gives you power.
The biggist incentive I can give you to combat your anorexia & binging is DEATH. If you don't stop, you will eventually die. I was one of the lucky ones, there are many out there that are not lucky & this disease isn't choosy. It will take anybody.
You say your a nobody, but your not. God put you here for a reason & you need to live to serve out his purpose.
Fight this. I know you can because you keep coming back & posting, therefore I know you have the desire & the will, you just won't allow yourself to believe you have the power, but we both know you do.
Listen to Chrys, no more of these, shoulds, woulds, could have, etc.. We know you have it in you to fight this.